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Am I wrong?


ancor288

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I need some advice and I tried to get it from people in my real life, but it leads no where.

 

Am I wrong? One my best friends and I had an argument. We have been best friends for 15 years and we do have our differences at times. As we get older obviously we become less argumentative with each other about petty things, but we do become more vocal about very important topics like religion or rather the lack of it from my part. 

 

Let me start by saying that I am an Atheist (no ifs of buts about it). I have been for as long as I can remembers (which is probably by age 11). She on the other hand is very devout (christian) and believes in God. I respect that about her and she respects my believes or lack of them. However, it seems that every time we meet up to hang out and catch up with each other (she is married with kids and I am single, so we only hang out when we both have a day off) every conversation we have, ends up being about God or spirituality. It never really bothered me before, that whenever I had an issue and I needed her ear, she would turn the topic into a religious one. But yesterday I got fed up with it and I called her out on it.

 

So, as you may gathered, it didn't go well. I told her it annoyed me that every time we hung out, every conversation we had would turn into a religious one. She told me she was hurt that I wouldn't allow her space to be who she is, but I told her that my issue is not that she speaks about God and comes from that point of view, but that it bothers me that everything we talk about she turns into a God discussion knowing I don't believe in it. I told her she wasn't considering my feelings about the topic. Anyways, she said I hurt her feelings and that she will not talk about God anymore. I told her it isn't about not talking about God, but about turning everything into a religious conversation.

 

So was I wrong on calling her out on it? Needless to say, I think we are going to be giving each other more space after this.

 

Please advice.   :rlytearpls:

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Nope, you are not wrong. She is forcing her religion on you and it's not fair to you. When she talks you don't speak about your disbelief in god to her.

 

Haha and that's the part that gets me. I don't talk about my lack of faith at all. I respect her so much that I try to keep from commenting on topics that I find absurd about religion. It baffles me that she thinks that I am doing this to hurt her feelings when she isn't taking mine into account. 

 

Thanks. 

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No not really your friend should respect your feelings. It's not like you told her you were completely against having conversations about religion but you were just tired of every conversation being about religion. Your friend should be willing to compromise with you as you have done for her.

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Nope, you are not wrong. She is forcing her religion on you and it's not fair to you. When she talks you don't speak about your disbelief in god to her. She should be more respectful to you because you are her friend.

^^ this is spot on.

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No not really your friend should respect your feelings. It's not like you told her you were completely against having conversations about religion but you were just tired of every conversation being about religion. Your friend should be willing to compromise with you as you have done for her.

 

It really hurt me to hear her say that. She was even crying and I hugged her tightly letting her know that I wasn't trying to belittle her or anything. I honestly got frustrated because it just seemed like she didn't care about how I must be feeling every time she talked about it. I will reach out to her in a few days and hopefully we will have a conversation that can clear the air. 

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back when i confided my ~life problems~ to someone and she kept telling me about Buddha's teachings... so one day i got mad and told her i wanted ~practical advice~

 

i think she was hurt a bit  :rlytearpls:

she talks less about religion now but sometimes she still quotes several Buddha's teachings & i listen but i'm neutral about it... she seems to want to take me to see this man who does preaching... i think i'll go if there's a chance lol

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It really hurt me to hear her say that. She was even crying and I hugged her tightly letting her know that I wasn't trying to belittle her or anything. I honestly got frustrated because it just seemed like she didn't care about how I must be feeling every time she talked about it. I will reach out to her in a few days and hopefully we will have a conversation that can clear the air.

Yeah be sure to do that just tell her you got caught up in the moment and you meant no harm. You just want to make things less about religion and more about other things. If she's truly your friend she'll understand where you're coming from. Good luck ^^.

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back when i confided my ~life problems~ to someone and she kept telling me about Buddha's teachings... so one day i got mad and told her i wanted ~practical advice~

 

i think she was hurt a bit  :rlytearpls:

she talks less about religion now but sometimes she still quotes several Buddha's teachings & i listen but i'm neutral about it... she seems to want to take me to see this man who does preaching... i think i'll go if there's a chance lol

 

That's what I honestly wanted out of our conversations. I know the feeling! She isn't the only person in my life who does it though, but she is my best friend so I would have expected her of all people to be a bit more caring about me. Everyone around me is religious or devout and I'm probably the only person in my family and circle of friends who doesn't follow religion. So I learned to roll with it, but I believe that as I age I'm becoming less apologetic about it. 

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I think you have to take into consideration that she may be so used to hanging out with other religious people, that these discussions are considered normal to her, so she doesn't actually realize what she's doing.

 

 

back when i confided my ~life problems~ to someone and she kept telling me about Buddha's teachings... so one day i got mad and told her i wanted ~practical advice~

 

i think she was hurt a bit  :rlytearpls:

she talks less about religion now but sometimes she still quotes several Buddha's teachings & i listen but i'm neutral about it... she seems to want to take me to see this man who does preaching... i think i'll go if there's a chance lol

 

Buddhism is not really a religion.

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That's what I honestly wanted out of our conversations. I know the feeling! She isn't the only person in my life who does it though, but she is my best friend so I would have expected her of all people to be a bit more caring about me. Everyone around me is religious or devout and I'm probably the only person in my family and circle of friends who doesn't follow religion. So I learned to roll with it, but I believe that as I age I'm becoming less apologetic about it. 

 

i guess you and her needed that talk though it was a bit painful.. as people age they become more straightforward & i think it's a good thing because #yolo

 

I think you have to take into consideration that she may be so used to hanging out with other religious people, that these discussions are considered normal to her, so she doesn't actually realize what she's doing.

 

 

 

Buddhism is not really a religion.

 

then what is it?

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I know everyone has already said it, but you're definitely not in the wrong here. If something like that bothers you, then it's only right you speak up (especially to someone as close to you as she is) and the issue you brought to light isn't one you are in the wrong about. It's understandable that her faith is really important to her so she relates it to a lot of things in her life, but I hope in the end she realizes that you don't intend to hurt her with what you said and that your problem isn't in her faith or wanting to talk about it, but that you don't always relate to it and would like more conversations in the future that don't always include it.

 

That said, space isn't always a bad thing between friends and sometimes it does us more good in the long run. It gives us time to think and realize what's important and then come back together closer and over any negative feelings. Good luck to you and your friend.

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You're not in the wrong, but she isn't either. You kind of led her on to think you were comfortable with the God talk. Maybe if you spoke up sooner, like the second time she "forced her religion on you," then this situation might be different.

 

The thing is that she isn't forcing her religion on me (at least I don't think she is). It is just who she is and I accepted it because she is my friend. However, she should also respect that I am not a believer and that perhaps not everything we discuss has to be about God or religion. Again my problem isn't that she believes in God and that she is devout, is that everything we discuss somehow ends up being about God and religion. I know she isn't in the wrong, she is who she is and for years I have accepted that part of her, but as I mentioned to someone else, I believe that as I age I am starting to just realize that I matter and people should also consider my feelings. I don't think I have to tell someone "hey you know I don't believe in God as you may remember, can you like not talk about it?" If you as my best friend already know that I am Atheists, wouldn't you by logic just think to yourself, "hey maybe I shouldn't talk about GOD so much" and just let our conversations be? 

 

Sighs I don't know. I guess this is what people call growing pains. 

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It's annoying when someone tries to push their beliefs on you. It's good that you told her about it, even if it hurt her feelings for the moment. Could be that because there are so many devout and religious people around as you said, that she doesn't realize there's anything strange about what she's doing. Talk through it so you both know where you stand and what you want from each other.

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I know everyone has already said it, but you're definitely not in the wrong here. If something like that bothers you, then it's only right you speak up (especially to someone as close to you as she is) and the issue you brought to light isn't one you are in the wrong about. It's understandable that her faith is really important to her so she relates it to a lot of things in her life, but I hope in the end she realizes that you don't intend to hurt her with what you said and that your problem isn't in her faith or wanting to talk about it, but that you don't always relate to it and would like more conversations in the future that don't always include it.

 

That said, space isn't always a bad thing between friends and sometimes it does us more good in the long run. It gives us time to think and realize what's important and then come back together closer and over any negative feelings. Good luck to you and your friend.

 

YES, thank you!!! this is what I was trying to get her to understand. But to be honest I probably didn't say it as nicely as you put it. We were a bit heated so, after a few days of calming down, I will reach out and talk to her. Thanks for the advice. 

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YES, thank you!!! this is what I was trying to get her to understand. But to be honest I probably didn't say it as nicely as you put it. We were a bit heated so, after a few days of calming down, I will reach out and talk to her. Thanks for the advice. 

 

I totally understand. I've been guilty of not putting things as well as I could have with the people I'm closest with in a moment we were both heated. Sometimes it's just hard to think of the right words as clearly! I'll be rooting for you that you are able to clear it up in the end and this just ends up as another growing experience for your friendship with her. :)

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i guess you and her needed that talk though it was a bit painful.. as people age they become more straightforward & i think it's a good thing because #yolo

 

 

then what is it?

 

It's a philosophy.

 

The thing is that she isn't forcing her religion on me (at least I don't think she is). It is just who she is and I accepted it because she is my friend. However, she should also respect that I am not a believer and that perhaps not everything we discuss has to be about God or religion. Again my problem isn't that she believes in God and that she is devout, is that everything we discuss somehow ends up being about God and religion. I know she isn't in the wrong, she is who she is and for years I have accepted that part of her, but as I mentioned to someone else, I believe that as I age I am starting to just realize that I matter and people should also consider my feelings. I don't think I have to tell someone "hey you know I don't believe in God as you may remember, can you like not talk about it?" If you as my best friend already know that I am Atheists, wouldn't you by logic just think to yourself, "hey maybe I shouldn't talk about GOD so much" and just let our conversations be? 

 

Sighs I don't know. I guess this is what people call growing pains. 

 

Just keep changing the subject  :hurr:

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The thing is that she isn't forcing her religion on me (at least I don't think she is). It is just who she is and I accepted it because she is my friend. However, she should also respect that I am not a believer and that perhaps not everything we discuss has to be about God or religion. Again my problem isn't that she believes in God and that she is devout, is that everything we discuss somehow ends up being about God and religion. I know she isn't in the wrong, she is who she is and for years I have accepted that part of her, but as I mentioned to someone else, I believe that as I age I am starting to just realize that I matter and people should also consider my feelings. I don't think I have to tell someone "hey you know I don't believe in God as you may remember, can you like not talk about it?" If you as my best friend already know that I am Atheists, wouldn't you by logic just think to yourself, "hey maybe I shouldn't talk about GOD so much" and just let our conversations be? 

 

Sighs I don't know. I guess this is what people call growing pains. 

i think you missed my point. your friend probably thought you welcomed the God talk because you never didn't welcome it. she knew you were not religious, but many non religious people love to discuss and debate religion. You should have told her you did not want to hear about her talk about God the second--or even the first, fuck--time it started bothering you.

 

Here's some advice: if you're uncomfortable with something someone is saying, tell them you're uncomfortable. they're not going to know otherwise and will continue to talk about the uncomfortable subject matter.

 

changing my previous answer, you are a little in the wrong. learn to speak up for yourself.

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i don't think she is forcing her religion on you like some dumbasses said she lives to meet god @ the end her life centered mainly on that religion

 

religion sets your life style, decisions, thinking etc.. she did nothing wrong

 

it's just both of you are different

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