Anyone dealt with an abusive relationship before? Could use some advice

[ScaredMango]

Hi guys, I recently broke up with my ex about a month ago. I met him online 9 months after my father passed away. In some ways, we trauma bonded because he talked about his cousin who passed away. And in some ways, I avoided accepting what happened to my father as my ex was a distraction of some form even though it was very toxic 

 

In the beginning, he showered me with a lot of love. I always thought of myself as an ugly person and because I am not used to receiving attention from guys in general, I fell for him quickly. I told him about all my hardships from dealing with my father's death, to getting bullied about my appearance, to almost becoming homeless. Little did I know he would end up using it against me later on

 

3 months later, he started showing his true side. He would get upset with me if the weather is too hot, if I was talking too much, and so on. When I talked about my dad, sometimes he told me why do I always talk about my dad, that my dad is not his dad. He even said that I used my dad as an excuse to form a relationship with his best friend whom I was becoming close with it.

 

He would call me pathetic and drive me to the point of severe anxiety. Then he would cry and call himself a monster and tell other people i call him a monster. He admitted to abusing me and then if we get into argument he would deny ever saying he abused me. He would mock my mental breakdown saying that I was doing it on purpose as a way to ruin him. He would threaten to hurt himself saying I am the reason he would die, that I did this to him. He never takes any accountability for his actions and blames me for everything. He would take like 10 Tylenol and call me and tell me he is trying to overdose when I tried to leave him before and then he sent voicemails to me as if he was planning a goodbye just to say he tried to hang himself but he survived because apparently he did it wrong 

 

Now he's on a smear campaign against me. In our last fight he called me ugly, i blocked him from everything. He found my post on Reddit and publicly wrote that I am bipolar, I'm a liar, I'm manipulative, and I use my dad death for sympathy. He also has voice recordings of me of when he would often drive me to the point of no return and uses that to convince people I'm crazy 

 

It really hurts a lot and I don't know how to deal with it

[starsocks]

First thing you should do is report the false posts he's making about you to whatever platform he's doing it on, to moderators, etc.

As for recovering, are you able to get therapy or if not maybe mental health support through your school or workplace?

That sounds really hard, I'm sorry you had to go through that 

Edited February 9, 2022 by starsocks
grammar

[Nelkoya]

Hi, first of all, I am very sorry that you are going through all of this. 

You met him online, but have you met in real life? Or does he know where you live? Your full name or any personal info that could compromise your safety? If that's the case, I strongly advice you get the authorities involved. Might be just to "let them know" about the situation, but it's better to take this kind of measures as soon as possible. Also, are your relatives aware about the situation? It's important to be surrounded by people you trust in those situations.

Regarding the whole situation, I want to say you did great by blocking him from everything. It's already a good step to distance yourself from him.
He is trying to guilt-trip you and seeing it doesn't work the way he wants to, he's taking it out by ruining your social network. All I can say in this case is, stand your ground. It's gonna be hard, but don't give in. Don't let him guilt-trip you to the point of going back to him, don't let him pressure your friends enough to make you believe the problem came from you. It might be a long and difficult period, but time resolves many things.

This is my own experience with a -bit- similar situation, maybe some things in here could help you with this situation.
I had a friend harm himself after I rejected him when I was a teen, this friend was someone I cherished a lot and sadly he got in a desilusion about me. I'm still very sorry that he hurt himself because of the feelings he had for me, but those were his feelings, I never wished he would develop those feelings for me and even less that he would act like that. I felt very sorry and guilty for a very long time, but reflecting back on it years later now, it wasn't my fault, it was his issues. After the self harm, the whole social pressure came in too. We had common friends and they all turned their back on me because he made them think I played with his feelings and flirted with him just to reject him. It was very difficult for me back then because I felt powerless, no matter what I could do or say, our friends just took his side because he was physically hurt and blamed it on me. But things just calmed down eventually. I totally parted ways with that group of people and eventually his obsession about me disappeared. We crossed paths in the following years and none of us ever talked about this time again. I lost several friends but luckily I still had a few people around me that knew I wouldn't ever want someone to hurt themselves over me, and they stayed by my side all this time.

So my point is, just get yourself safe, and try to distance yourself from him as much as possible. You're not guilty for his actions, and do not cave in to his manipulation. Hopefully, time will fix this. Also, don't hesitate to seek psychological help. This kind of situation weights a lot on the mind and with all the things you went through even before that, it might be something truly helpful for you.