Honestly I want to vent here because I feel safe

[Shalnark]

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Edited June 20, 2022 by Shalnark

[Thigh-high feminist]

He sounds like trouble. I'm glad you got away from that situation, continue to stay safe.

Edited October 31, 2021 by Thigh-high feminist

[Nev Schulman]

Oof this is a classic abusive man. It is best that you cut off your friends and him too. Do not communicate him and change your number and emails if you can. Currently reading a book about men like him and it helped me a lot to cope with reality. It is called; Why does he do that? by author Lundy Bancroft. 

Even if you know now I'd still read the book.

Sorry to hear about all this.

 

[Shalnark]

On 10/31/2021 at 5:07 AM, Nev Schulman said:

Oof this is a classic abusive man. It is best that you cut off your friends and him too. Do not communicate him and change your number and emails if you can. Currently reading a book about men like him and it helped me a lot to cope with reality. It is called; Why does he do that? by author Lundy Bancroft. 

Even if you know now I'd still read the book.

Sorry to hear about all this.

 

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Edited June 20, 2022 by Shalnark

[Nev Schulman]

7 minutes ago, Shalnark said:

I cut them all off but I realized the abuse cycle was still going on because through threats he was keeping me in silence. I did something that maybe wasn't the best option but I exposed him. That was what he wanted to avoid and why he was threatening me, his ex had done it in the past.

I didn't call him abusive nor name him, I called him toxic and controlling and said that using abuse as an excuse to be violent wasn't ok and neither for people around him to justify this behaviour because he was nice to them. I honestly don't care because he knows I have way too many screenshots against him that I can send his ex girlfriend. He would joke about killing her but since he said she abused him (she accused him of abuse too) it was his way of coping. I'm no longer scared of him and it honestly was healing, since there was no mention of his name there's basically nothing he can do but all the people that know him know it's about him.

I blocked him everywhere, and I don't think he's going to try anything because he knows next time I'm going to mention his full name and he's a musician so he can't put his accounts on private, he's told me about this before. He's just going to slander me with people around him but I already shared what he did so I don't care anymore. He's the one that is accused of being violent by two different women.

I understand what you did and why you did it but I don't agree with that. Simply because it could have led into a gaslight tango. The best thing you can do with people like him is just to stay silent because they can manipulate anyone in their favour especially when he doesn't see that he is wrong and doesn't consider what he did to you abuse. To get through it I really do recommend you to read that book I suggested. Regardless of what he does do not give him a response and if anything you can go ahead and get a restaining order and file a police report. But whatever he does refrain from responding even if he is spreading rumors. Just gather and keep all the evidence and do not threaten him since he can physically abuse you if you do or who knows. When he slanders you, you may actually care because you will want to protect your name but again do not respond. People who talk trash about their exes like that are trash themselves. His threats are evidence but if you respond you put yourself at risk in terms of validity and how it will uphold. I really do understand your feelings but it is best not to let them take over no matter how hard it is because it will put you in a tougher position. I have dealt with a mentally abusive man and I've gone through it but I learned that no response is actually how you win since they can't stand being ignored or rejected. Keep it that way.

[Shalnark]

On 10/31/2021 at 3:47 PM, Nev Schulman said:

I understand what you did and why you did it but I don't agree with that. Simply because it could have led into a gaslight tango. The best thing you can do with people like him is just to stay silent because they can manipulate anyone in their favour especially when he doesn't see that he is wrong and doesn't consider what he did to you abuse. To get through it I really do recommend you to read that book I suggested. Regardless of what he does do not give him a response and if anything you can go ahead and get a restaining order and file a police report. But whatever he does refrain from responding even if he is spreading rumors. Just gather and keep all the evidence and do not threaten him since he can physically abuse you if you do or who knows. When he slanders you, you may actually care because you will want to protect your name but again do not respond. People who talk trash about their exes like that are trash themselves. His threats are evidence but if you respond you put yourself at risk in terms of validity and how it will uphold. I really do understand your feelings but it is best not to let them take over no matter how hard it is because it will put you in a tougher position. I have dealt with a mentally abusive man and I've gone through it but I learned that no response is actually how you win since they can't stand being ignored or rejected. Keep it that way.

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Edited June 20, 2022 by Shalnark

[abra]

Good thing you stood up for yourself!

[Nev Schulman]

13 minutes ago, Shalnark said:

Hi, I understand and I'm going to avoid him from now. I already have him blocked everywhere. I decided to do it mostly because for example, one of my female friends that stands up for him is just 20, he's tried to manipulate her before while she was drunk and turn her against her own partners.

Through her he gets in contact with people her age and younger. But he can't keep himself from mentioning false accusations from his own abusers. Now that it has happened twice with two different women that's not going to work with playing the victim.

I feel free. I was worried about him doing it to young girls and having to watch through my own friends and also having to stay silent. Now it don't, I was able to speak and I cut everyone off, only kept my friends that aren't in common with him. I can move on without thinking of what he's going to do next because I was able to finally speak without having someone blame me for everything.

Thank you for the advice, but this was honestly healing for me because as I have gone through abuse as a child myself it made me feel just like that, a helpless kid that couldn't do anything. I'm going to listen to you now and cut contact completely now that I feel better. What scared me is that he's still obsessed with his ex for example, two years have passed and he hates her with passion but misses her. Stalks her socials and is jealous of her current boyfriend. He was jealous of mine and happy when we broke up, my partner was trying to help me but I kept lying to him because I didn't want him to have to deal with him getting obsessive and violent with him.

Out of this I lost a relationship with someone I loved, we are on good terms now because I contacted him and thanked him for everything. But I want to take time to heal and move on from that now.

This man is an awful person but abusive men are like that. 

20 is still of age in most countries so idk where you are located and if what he is doing is legal. Here being with a 20 year old isn't considered illegal so I can't speak on that matter. There is also nothing you can do about that situation unless she recognises that she is being abused unfortunately. 

Let's just hope that it IS seriously the end and that you won't engage with him. Easier said than done and some end up going back so I hope you do not.

These men will always be obsessed with their exes. I've dealt with it and he'd say his ex allegedly cheated on her and call his other exes whores but he'd still talk about them in a loving way at some points. These people are messed up and his ex can hopefully take care of herself and actually stay away.

You've learnt a lesson and I really hope you actually heal from this. See or talk to someone if necessary and if you can. And just stay away from people like that abuser. Nothing good will come from it.

These men don't think of anyone but themselves and are obsessed about themselves. He doesn't think of anyone else unless it benefits him and that is likely for attention since they feed off that. They just need supply to feed off from.

Been there and the only thing that helped me cope is when I read books and articles confirming that the person is in fact abusive. It is still hard for me to accept since I still think I am acting like a victim but it's whatever. The best is just to move on and minimise the time spent thinking about these people since they really do not think of anyone but themselves at all even when they think of others. 

[Shalnark]

On 10/31/2021 at 4:37 PM, Nev Schulman said:

This man is an awful person but abusive men are like that. 

20 is still of age in most countries so idk where you are located and if what he is doing is legal. Here being with a 20 year old isn't considered illegal so I can't speak on that matter. There is also nothing you can do about that situation unless she recognises that she is being abused unfortunately. 

Let's just hope that it IS seriously the end and that you won't engage with him. Easier said than done and some end up going back so I hope you do not.

These men will always be obsessed with their exes. I've dealt with it and he'd say his ex allegedly cheated on her and call his other exes whores but he'd still talk about them in a loving way at some points. These people are messed up and his ex can hopefully take care of herself and actually stay away.

You've learnt a lesson and I really hope you actually heal from this. See or talk to someone if necessary and if you can. And just stay away from people like that abuser. Nothing good will come from it.

These men don't think of anyone but themselves and are obsessed about themselves. He doesn't think of anyone else unless it benefits him and that is likely for attention since they feed off that. They just need supply to feed off from.

Been there and the only thing that helped me cope is when I read books and articles confirming that the person is in fact abusive. It is still hard for me to accept since I still think I am acting like a victim but it's whatever. The best is just to move on and minimise the time spent thinking about these people since they really do not think of anyone but themselves at all even when they think of others. 

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Edited June 20, 2022 by Shalnark

[Nev Schulman]

1 hour ago, Shalnark said:

It is legal and I wouldn't say anything but it's looked down if you are in your 30's and since he's a professor to people that are around that age it's very looked down at. The fact that he's abusive is what makes it worse, girls that age aren't ready to deal with this so I left a warning, this is the second one that follows him around.

And yes, he would do the same. Talk about how much he loved her, say he wouldn't show proof of her being abusive because of that and how he couldn't get over her. Tell us about the amount of men she cheated with, some of his friends that left him for her. When I met him he barely had friends, just his coworkers, all the friends he has now he made through me and they are around my age. I honestly think he was trying to replace her with me and that's why he hated my partner so much and tried to isolate me, he wanted me to move in with him when he left me because I was having a hard time at home to take care of me. He kept looking for young girls in their early 20's that were from Venezuela like his ex. I'm not, and I don't look like her but he used to tell both me and my other friend that we were beautiful.

He hated women, and would call me a misandrist sometimes but since he was abused by women you couldn't call him out when he was being disturbing, it was his way of coping. Honestly, I'm able to cope with this once I free myself. I have childhood trauma, he knew and that was what he used to manipulate me. I've been on therapy and I've learnt coping mechanism and I've started talking about it during it, the thing is that during the period this started was when I got discharged ?) by my old therapist because she said I was ready to be on my own. I was in a healthy relationship, happy with college and keeping a good relationship with my family. And had learnt coping mechanisms with her to try and keep it that way from now own, but I guess he saw that as an opening and started using my trauma against me.

I'm sorry you went through abuse, what helped me cope with what happened to me when I was little was trying to find my own personality and how she wanted to work with it. That's why I'm so into confrontation, I decided that it was never going to be too late for me to stand up for myself. Once I do, I'm able to stop thinking about it and move on.

That second paragraph is sooo familiar. People like this are ALL the same. The person I dealt with also said he looked for women just like his exes and it didn't work out. Like if she "allegedly" cheated(which they likely have ZERO proof of, mine said he just felt like she cheated), why would they still look for women like their exes. This is some contradicting BS and this is evidence that they even lie to themselves and that their value system is beyond messed up. I really liked my exes when things were good but never in my life will I look for men like my exes since that includes their bad habits too. Like that isn't what someone with a good value system in life will say EVER. If they shit talk and still supposedly like their exes that's a sign to leave them. That's strange AF. This isn't their way of coping but rather their way of avoiding the reality and the fact that they need to hold themselves accountable. People around them including us face the problem of being enablers for people like that. Even though it isn't our responsibility. They feed of attention and validation that they aren't messed up so getting people to tell them that it "isn't their fault" is part of the enablement process. Ignoring and saying little to nothing when anyone talks about their exes is the best thing you can do.

One thing I've learned from that experience is to never open up about your deepest scars to anyone anymore. I too did so and ended up regretting it. Sorry you went through it. Mine was also quite a misogynist but through that book I learned that they see women as nothing but trophies/objects. These people will never be satisfied or able to stay in committed relationships at all. They will claim it's because their exes cheated on them but that's their excuse to get away with reality they need to face.

Also sorry to hear about your childhood trauma. But with abusive people it is best to stay silent as people have been killed for speaking up. You really have to be careful with people like that since you have no idea what they are capable off. Many got hurt trying to leave because they announced it or made a fuss about it. So in the future and for your own safety please just silently block them and move on.

[Shalnark]

On 10/31/2021 at 6:14 PM, Nev Schulman said:

That second paragraph is sooo familiar. People like this are ALL the same. The person I dealt with also said he looked for women just like his exes and it didn't work out. Like if she "allegedly" cheated(which they likely have ZERO proof of, mine said he just felt like she cheated), why would they still look for women like their exes. This is some contradicting BS and this is evidence that they even lie to themselves and that their value system is beyond messed up. I really liked my exes when things were good but never in my life will I look for men like my exes since that includes their bad habits too. Like that isn't what someone with a good value system in life will say EVER. If they shit talk and still supposedly like their exes that's a sign to leave them. That's strange AF. This isn't their way of coping but rather their way of avoiding the reality and the fact that they need to hold themselves accountable. People around them including us face the problem of being enablers for people like that. Even though it isn't our responsibility. They feed of attention and validation that they aren't messed up so getting people to tell them that it "isn't their fault" is part of the enablement process. Ignoring and saying little to nothing when anyone talks about their exes is the best thing you can do.

One thing I've learned from that experience is to never open up about your deepest scars to anyone anymore. I too did so and ended up regretting it. Sorry you went through it. Mine was also quite a misogynist but through that book I learned that they see women as nothing but trophies/objects. These people will never be satisfied or able to stay in committed relationships at all. They will claim it's because their exes cheated on them but that's their excuse to get away with reality they need to face.

Also sorry to hear about your childhood trauma. But with abusive people it is best to stay silent as people have been killed for speaking up. You really have to be careful with people like that since you have no idea what they are capable off. Many got hurt trying to leave because they announced it or made a fuss about it. So in the future and for your own safety please just silently block them and move on.

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Edited June 20, 2022 by Shalnark

[Nev Schulman]

14 minutes ago, Shalnark said:

Yes, my mother once told mentioned that it was weird how obsessed and in love he was with her once I mentioned it. Because he was pretty much stalking her. Honestly I do think he had similar plans for me as what he did to her, that's why he hated my partner so much and wanted me to move in with him. His coworkers liked me and he started getting a lot of attention when he had me around. Basically I was all over his ig stories. He had no chance with our other friend that's younger because she really isn't into dating men.

But yes, I learnt from this to only trust my close friends that I've known for so long that have gone through this with me and to keep my trauma to myself. I think that since I wasn't going to therapy I also needed someone to trust.

Something weird that happened once is that he told me that everyone could get into a physically abusive relationship and I told him that for me it was different that with emotional, due to my trauma, I wouldn't stay once I saw someone true colors and there's no way to hide it once you're violent that way. And he got mad and tried to tell that it could happen to me.

But yes, my "friends" didn't understand that he couldn't get any information about me. They were taking it as me overreacting and buying into his delusion and basically, for example if he found out I apologized to my ex and we are on good terms that would make him get violent again. It's better to cut everyone off. They would just tell me that I didn't want to be friends with them because they were friends with him. He can't stand people being happy without him so if he finds out it's dangerous and now I guess I'm safe without them

When someone shows you who they are believe them. It isn’t about them just being violent but rather manipulative enough to make you stay and forgive them. He wasn't wrong since he could have done it to you.

Just keep your information privately and hopefully he won't come around.