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Homiez

My brain is messed up!

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Posted (edited)

I am female bisexual and I have few things in my mind to clear up

First

I had almost 10 years crush over a girl which i never been into a serious relationship with her but at the very first year when i was 18 we are close friend very close that at that time no matter how many of our friends claimed us as girlfriend but i kept denying because i dont think its that serious i just like her as friend and yeah we are friend. We fought and then we okay and things happened in circle until the day which i started getting wet without reason when i sleep with her in her bed which can count like i almost never sleep in my bed which in different dorms anymore. Everything in control until one night she kiss me on my lips in her sleep almost bite one and i hesitated kissed her back. Its not a fanfic but the next day when i asked her she said she dont know anything and she always bite things in sleep if she eat chocolate before sleep. I took it as mistake but not the 2nd time she did because i was so sure there's no chocolate night before. Things kept secret between us until one big day we had big fight that we never talk anymore and last thing i knew she dated a guy who we was so sure knew that guy was originally my guy crush. I heard bout they holding hands and happy being together that i decided detached myself. I thought everything was okay i try to converse with her few times but its awkwardly weird and i dont talk to her anymore until we graduated college next year. When i was in university, i knew she further study overseas and also i am so aware that she still dated that guy for years through social media. Few years later, I started feel the ache the feels that why i still thinking of her even until now and yeah i still like her even now. Unfortunately i couldnt reached her anymore as she soft block me in her every social media accounts but one thing i discovered i actually love her. I prayed one day if i met her if she's not getting marry yet or single i want to confess. I prayed hard every single day. Every single night i cry because of her. When i discovered i like girls too, i dated a lot of girls after i reached 25. Things not that smooth while i'm casual date anyone without an official relationship status i'm being a fuccboi left every girls at the corner just because i think i still love my first love and no one can compare to her. Early this year i stopped being fuccboi and i promise myself i wont date anyone if i just had a fling or crush. I dont want to date anyone just to forget my first love because it never happened. I never forget her. I gather courage this year and I tried to get her phone number from our mutual close friend but she never want to contact me. I almost give up by then. Last few months, miracle happened. My first love accepted my years friend request thru instagram and yes its her. Its my time to confess i knew she's single. But things is the only word i speak to her since few months she accepted my friend request was "Hey happy birthday" and she replied "Thanks *my name*" Oh hell. Now curse me. I dont know what to say i know she's not into girl? perhaps but i wont confess because i thought i will lose her again and i dont and never want to lose her again. 

I still love her what should i do?

Second

Ok here we go

I had a guy crush when i was 11 and he knew it very well even though he never liking me back until we separated when we were 13. When i was 15 i got his phone number from her little brother which in same school with me and we started befriend again. For GOD sake, every 6 years we coincidentally met and every 6 years my puppy love faded eventually. I still do like him as friend. If things wont go well with any girl i promise myself i will marry him. He's a keeper and i knew he kinda like me. He sang a birthday song to me, text me even not frequently, treat my birthday and everything was so fine when we met every 6 years. But one thing so sure i soft block him everytime he want to tackle my heart. I always gave a reason that i like a girl only. But yeah thats kinda thru i never date a guy and he's the only one in my mind. But i never love him. Its sound shit but i keep him as my back up plan in case no one treat me well. Ever since kids, i bed time story under the blankets bout him to my cousins and they kinda knew it that we are that close. He's the only guy i close and he's the only guy my cousins knew. Everything is fine until last month i heard my very close cousin dated him forreal and last week they engaged. I dont know what to think anymore. She's my cousin and we are superb close. My mom likes her the most and always comparing me with her yknow right how moms. But things wont be same again. Its not that i am jealous but i cant lie i quite envy and things are so sudden i couldnt accept everything in once. I just had a little crush on that guy thats for sure but things wont go well right because he's gonna marry my cousin and be one of my family too. I know its not my place to be sad or envy but i do feel like every time i love or like someone i always messed up. Things wont go well. They will like someone else especially who are close with me. I dont deserved anyone. I dont qualified to be in love i made a lot of girls cries in past time and this is a karma. I should just disappear. I dont know anymore.

I dont know what to feel anymore.

What should i do?

Third

Ok i feel like a crap right now. Usually when things happened i immediately run away and stay in seoul for weeks for a healing. But during this covid-19 i can only have a short trip within country and i planned to go to a beach even i'm not a beach person. I never talk bout this 2 things to anyone like the far i had tell someone else was about my first love, that girl but not that deep one. I am comfortable here because nobody know me as person. And i dont know who i can talk to anymore. I dealt with depression twice when i was 16 and last year when i was 26 it happened like in every 10 years. Is that a curse again? But i dealt everything by myself. I am confirmed i am optimistic person and i am clever enough to settle by myself about my life works, family, money or everything but not love. I have everything i want. I can do anything i want. I can buy anything i wish. But one thing i lack is how to love. I do love my family a lot. They are very supportive and lovely. I am so grateful. But as a middle child, i dont talk bout my problem regarding hearts a lot to them. I am the one who comfort them when they are sad. I am the strong one when its regarding heartbreaks. I am the fighter in family. When everything messed up i clean it with calm although the younger me used to run away a lot. Thanks to my family i received a lot of love. But not that kind of love. You get from strangers who turn to someone u might love and you want to be with in future. Its not like i dont want to fall in love anymore but i just need a rest and i dont want to get marry in a moment. 

Do you think i can love again?

Or?

 

 

Edited by Homiez

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first, your brain is not messed up! you are very valid in what you feel for your friend. the thing is, I'm not sure if you should confess to her. unless you're thinking about starting to talk again and rekindling your friendship to build up to the point where you confess, it would be weird. I do feel there is a chance she could be into women because of what you mentioned happened in bed so I don't think you should feel messed up for believing same. if you don't want to lose her, when the time comes that you confess, make sure to have a serious conversation with her if she doesn't feel the same way, that way you won't be left with any unknowns or lack of closure like you were left with the last time you stopped talking.

I don't really have much else to say because this is your life and not mine and my opinion shouldn't really matter all the way, but I really wish the best for you! I hope things work out and you can reunite with your first love. 💖

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First of all damn op your romance life is so not dead wow

in my opinion you should confess to your friend. I say dont expect much from it, but at least you can be done with it. That is ofc if you dont plan on having friendship anymore which seems like there is already not much if she soft blocked you from everywhere.

Second, for your guy friend, I think you are allowed to feel weirded out etc. because afterall you did had feelings for him, no matter small. Otherwise no it is not a karma op, love life is complicated, sometimes you fail sometimes you succeed, sometimes you are not even sure of that. You should try to be happy for them tho, i am not saying be happy but just pretend to do so if needed. You were not going out with him nor had serious feelings about him, I think both you and him deserves someone that loves, rather than think as a back burner. At least that is my view op.

And for last one, OP, I believe you can love again. I lived through a depression as well, and learned to be more open, open enough to weird people out at some point (I balanced it out afterwards) and here my suggestion is having at least one person you can be fully yourself, without feeling guilty about how you are bothering them. For me, it was easy, that person was my mom, I told her what I like what I hate, and if there is something that makes me uncomfortable is happening I ask her for guidance or ask her to change herself in certain points. I still struggle at times, but I think having someone to open and my cat were biggest blessings for me. So OP, I dont know how possible it is for you, but just try to have one close person that you can be free with. It can be anyone, mom dad sister grandma etc... Anyone. Then, if possible get a pet that actually interacts with you, cats dogs parrots, not fishes for example. These animals can actually calm people alot, I am certainly happier since I got my cat honestly and he always tries to cheer me up. Lastly, going somewhere else is great idea, but do things that actually forces your mind to be busy as well. Writing is a great example, any hand work is also one, drawing etc. Anything literally that can keep you busy when you feel dark again

I hope I am some kind of help op, feel free to PM me if you need something!!

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