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arineunha

Should I break up with my bf over this?

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Tonight he left the call when we were about to sleep together on the phone as usual, but when I came back he already left the call. I called about three times and he never picked up..until later on FaceTime then he said that he just wants to sleep and I’m making him angry. He tried to hang up multiple times, and I didn’t bother him. Normally I would really go out of my way and call him to sleep with me, but recently we had a fight in which we almost broke up because well he just wants to sleep. I feel like I want to talk about it in the morning, but he will probably shrug it off or find a way to blame me. I understand that people need their sleep and tomorrow is just a day like any other. I tried multiple times to fall asleep my heart hurts and I just find my self waking up all of a sudden like a jolt just passed through my  body, I  think I got too accustomed to sleeping with a partner. I cried and wished that I wish to be with someone who wants to sleep on call with me or is as clingy as me.

im feeling pretty bad but this is our one difference I guess, I don’t like being too clingy either but I think that it’s important for that intimacy aspect of a relationship. I’m torn about what to do, I want to just talk to him about it but I don’t know if it will fix anything. There has never been a night we haven’t slept together so it feels especially bad. He doesn’t seem bothered by it though, he turned his phone off and went to bed peacefully

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Maybe try to talk calmly with him about the situation. Try to understand why he didn't want to sleep in call like usual, and try to make him see things from your own perspective too.

I'm quite clingy, but there are nights that I need to be on my own too, I need to be in my thoughts and having my partner with me can be overwhelming for me. Maybe he had his reasons too, that weren't against you at all but his personal needs. If you are in love and having a good relationship outside of this event and the fight that happened before, trying to understand each other's need could help to grow as a couple.

But if you already think about breaking up, try to see if it's out of the emotions on the moment or if it's based on several things maybe?

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Don't worry! I don't know how long you guys have been together, but this seems like on of those things we do in the beginning of a relationship (even though if it bothers) just to make our partners happy, but eventually we got tired of it and just want it to be "normal"

But that doesn't mean he loves u less now, just means that maybe you're getting more intimate with each other so he don't feel like he needs to do anything just to please you 

There's nothing wrong with your relationship, you'll eventually do this again, but maybe not as frequently as before, and that's totally ok!

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Posted (edited)

a relationship is about compromise,

Maybe ask yourself why you always need to call him to fall asleep?. 

the idea of not being able to fall asleep without someone is romantic, but its not healthy. 

might need to compromise and do it only a few days a week.

Try to see it from his point of view.

Its about giving and taking.

Edited by HRH Ayyu
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1 hour ago, Koya said:

Maybe try to talk calmly with him about the situation. Try to understand why he didn't want to sleep in call like usual, and try to make him see things from your own perspective too.

I'm quite clingy, but there are nights that I need to be on my own too, I need to be in my thoughts and having my partner with me can be overwhelming for me. Maybe he had his reasons too, that weren't against you at all but his personal needs. If you are in love and having a good relationship outside of this event and the fight that happened before, trying to understand each other's need could help to grow as a couple.

But if you already think about breaking up, try to see if it's out of the emotions on the moment or if it's based on several things maybe?

I think that overall we fight alot and majority of the time, it almost leads into a break up. I did try to talk to him about the situation but majority of the time, he just said he wanted to sleep and didn't think too hard on it. He doesn't think he did anything wrong and he will continue to do what he did. When i explained all my feelings, he said i did that to myself..and i should just get over it. He didnt want to apologize but mostly just blamed me for not seeing his point of view. He then wanted to get back into bed, but this time i didnt want to join him.. because of the events that occured. He read that as I wanted to break up with him and blocked me (as usual)

 

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1 hour ago, HRH Ayyu said:

a relationship is about compromise,

Maybe ask yourself why you always need to call him to fall asleep?. 

the idea of not being able to fall asleep without someone is romantic, but its not healthy. 

might need to compromise and do it only a few days a week.

Try to see it from his point of view.

Its about giving and taking.

I know i should try to become more independent. I think this was the first night not sleeping together and i tried to sleep,but it was pretty hard. I kept waking up in the middle of sleep..i wish to have the ability to not care so much or detach as easily from others

 

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TBH I think you're in the wrong here, you're being overly clingy.

It's unreasonable to expect him to be able to fall asleep with you on the phone every night.

What if he wanted to sleep earlier or later? You can't always match your sleeping times perfectly. You also have to be able to adjust sometimes.

 

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36 minutes ago, arineunha said:

I know i should try to become more independent. I think this was the first night not sleeping together and i tried to sleep,but it was pretty hard. I kept waking up in the middle of sleep..i wish to have the ability to not care so much or detach as easily from others

 

its important to address your feeling together, but if you get depended on someone to the point it affects your health (not being able to sleep) its not healthy.

But you sound young, its part of a growing relationship to find a good balance with eachothers feelings/ desire and keeping the relationship healthy. 

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Sounds to me like he should be the one asking that question on here. 

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2 hours ago, HRH Ayyu said:

a relationship is about compromise,

Maybe ask yourself why you always need to call him to fall asleep?. 

the idea of not being able to fall asleep without someone is romantic, but its not healthy. 

might need to compromise and do it only a few days a week.

Try to see it from his point of view.

Its about giving and taking.

^^^^

You cannot expect too much, and i believe him willing to express his opinions clearly is a good thing. Relationships deteriorate if one side 'gives' too much. 

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5 hours ago, arineunha said:

I think that overall we fight alot and majority of the time, it almost leads into a break up. I did try to talk to him about the situation but majority of the time, he just said he wanted to sleep and didn't think too hard on it. He doesn't think he did anything wrong and he will continue to do what he did. When i explained all my feelings, he said i did that to myself..and i should just get over it. He didnt want to apologize but mostly just blamed me for not seeing his point of view. He then wanted to get back into bed, but this time i didnt want to join him.. because of the events that occured. He read that as I wanted to break up with him and blocked me (as usual)

Ask yourself how do you feel about those fights and try to have a more distant view on them. Are they the results of heated feelings? Of misunderstandings? Or a bad balance in the relationship as others above talked about? Maybe distancing yourself and thinking a bit about them could help. Because being in a relationship that is always on the edge of breaking up can be quite unhealthy for both of you.

He might not see how important those calls are for you, and he might have been tired or in a bad day just wanting to sleep without thinking much. Waiting a bit for things to calm down before talking calmly together might help.

However... blocking you... that's quite an immature response to a dispute in a relationship... And if it's usual that's clearly an issue...

 

By the way, as you sleep on phone, is this a long distance relationship or is it just that you can't sleep at each other's place? Because if it's long distance that often complicates a relationships a lot and both parts need to work even harder to make things work. A lot of talking, a lot of compromises, a lot efforts to try to be in each other's shoes if you want to give your relationship a chance might be needed.

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On 6/23/2020 at 9:01 PM, Koya said:

Ask yourself how do you feel about those fights and try to have a more distant view on them. Are they the results of heated feelings? Of misunderstandings? Or a bad balance in the relationship as others above talked about? Maybe distancing yourself and thinking a bit about them could help. Because being in a relationship that is always on the edge of breaking up can be quite unhealthy for both of you.

He might not see how important those calls are for you, and he might have been tired or in a bad day just wanting to sleep without thinking much. Waiting a bit for things to calm down before talking calmly together might help.

However... blocking you... that's quite an immature response to a dispute in a relationship... And if it's usual that's clearly an issue...

 

By the way, as you sleep on phone, is this a long distance relationship or is it just that you can't sleep at each other's place? Because if it's long distance that often complicates a relationships a lot and both parts need to work even harder to make things work. A lot of talking, a lot of compromises, a lot efforts to try to be in each other's shoes if you want to give your relationship a chance might be needed.

Yes it’s a long distance relationship, that’s why I think that sleeping together has been a priority from my side at least. We spend a lot of time together online though so it makes up for the fact that’s it’s long distance. We fight over things when we have disagreements and my bf on top of that has a hard time controlling his temper. His first response to conflict would be to block me, he says so he doesn’t explode on me. However majority of the time we made up afterwards in less than a day. I just feel like I really do like this person but I wish that every fight wouldn’t lead to a potential break up or blocking.

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1 hour ago, arineunha said:

Yes it’s a long distance relationship, that’s why I think that sleeping together has been a priority from my side at least. We spend a lot of time together online though so it makes up for the fact that’s it’s long distance. We fight over things when we have disagreements and my bf on top of that has a hard time controlling his temper. His first response to conflict would be to block me, he says so he doesn’t explode on me. However majority of the time we made up afterwards in less than a day. I just feel like I really do like this person but I wish that every fight wouldn’t lead to a potential break up or blocking.

I can understand. It looks like there's work to do on both sides. Your bf clearly needs to work on his temper because it's hurting both you and himself, always putting your relationship on edge... On your side maybe try to be less needing of that call at night. I totally understand it can be hard to not be on phone as you got used to, but if it's only a few nights without the phone call as long as it doesn't open the door for you 2 to grow apart, it won't hurt the bond you have together. It might even have the opposite effect as you could be both even more delighted when you get to sleep on call as it won't be a regular thing anymore.

The fights might be a result of spending too much time together. Even in a long distance relationship sometimes you need to have your time by yourself, maybe your bf needs this time more than you do, it really depends on your personal needs. And when you take some time for yourself you're even more glad to be back with your SO once you reunite~

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