MadMadamMims 4,512 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 credit to Rich Witch for her legendary gfx skillz Thank you to everyone who participated including writers and judges! You will all receive your prizes very shortly. 1st place will be contacted via pm for their Album giveaway details and Events Team Coordi JM will be sending you your platinum tokens. Now without further ado~ Moonbean Wrath Blue Marble WINNER of 3 Bronze Tokens and 100k Won Critique Well written and intriguing, with nice structure and presentation. Very interesting to read and probably the most abstract, layered and complex of the entries presented. This poem, outside the context of the seven deadly sins and particularly 'wrath', would be quite stellar to critique and breakdown. However, when we read this we were going into it with that mindset of looking for the sin, and I think that's what got muddled for everyone. The switch in feeling/motivation from the robot and how he viewed the earth from beginning, middle and end was a bit too vague, and thus lacked a discernible direction in relation to the theme, which is what ultimately brought the score down. teal Gluttony WINNER of 3 Gold Tokens and 200k Won congealed fat stuck to the pannoodles and sauce on a glass dish, surrounded by bubbles in the sinka toothpick left behind on an arm rest, a bit of white gunk attached to the tipnapkins curled together, brown, filthy, and usedthe cat sneakily nibbling bits of meat which fell to the groundwine glasses half full, neglected for soda or teabird's bones mixed with pie crust and biscuit corners, stacked high on floral paper plates by the trashanother successful thanksgiving. Critique Well written, vivid descriptions and great concept. A unique take on Thanksgiving and Gluttony, inverting the usual feelings of warmth and connection to cold and neglect. There was a nice use of space, with very few words creating something which remained quirky and entertaining. With gluttony as a deadly sin, a certain amount of visceral disgust is anticipated at the thought of overindulgence in food, and you certainly achieved that. However, it felt like the poem was reaching towards a point or a direction that never came. It lacked an underlying meaning or subtext to elevate it beyond just describing a room and its contents. What could have helped this is if you'd maybe started off with the chicken bones line first and then made it seem like some bloody massacre had happened only to come to find out, nope — just Americans. This type of misdirection to where you think one thing, only to be surprised at the end, would have been something that could've taken it to the next level. Bluebells & Snowdrops Envy WINNER of 1 Platinum Token and 300k Won They say it's just a personality trait, that it is something caused by my upbringing. But it feels like it's always been there. This deep, demon-like feeling of longing for things. Not just objects, but also people, wealth, relationships, things that didn't belong to me, but to others. It has always been like this. My first memory of it, was when I was around 8 years old. My sister received a doll with brown hair, brown like her hair, and mine too. I got a blonde doll. She didn't look like me. At all. My mother said she'd try coloring the doll’s hair. But instead, I ended up with a doll, who not only had completely black hair, not the medium brown, long locks that resembled mine, but a black, frizzy mess, that was impossible to pull a comb through. Herr body had dark and black spot everywhere, some that couldn't be removed, however much soap and water I used. She looked even less like me than she did before. My mother didn't buy me a new doll. She told me and my sister to share hers, before throwing mine in the trash-can. But it wasn't enough for me. I wanted the doll. I wanted her to myself. Then later, when I was about 19, my sister, now 17 years old, brought her first boyfriend home. I didn't think he was attractive at first, he looked extremely average. Tall, lanky, with a blonde mop of hair planted securely on his head. Not anything I hadn't seen before. But the way he looked at my sister, like she was the sun, and he was the earth revolving around her, made me jealous. Not jealous of him, directly, but jealous of what they had, what she had, what she received. Love. For the first time in my life, I finally found a word for this ever-plaguing feeling: Envy. I was envious. At that point, I had never tried being in love before, let alone being “lovedâ€. My sister was tall, beautiful, social. I was shorter, despite being the older one of us, with glasses, around 5 books in my hands at all time, and although I was the smarter one of us, I rarely got attention from the guys. In the teenage years, beauty defeats brains, I quickly realized that. And here I am now, 25 years old. My sister stopped aging at 20. It wasn't totally my fault. She, who had never opened a book in her entire life, let alone finished one, graduated with an A in math. And I, who had spent the better part of the past 15 years with my face buried in books, having pulled several all-nighters to get all my assignments done in time, and had lost all ability to interact with other human beings. The one who had always been praised for being the best at math in the entire family, blanked at the exam, and left with a C. It was not fair. It was unfair. It had to be a joke. That was when I snapped. Of course, despite having watched countless crime shows on TV, I didn't get away with it. I don't think I could have either. If the police hadn't caught me with the bloody knife still in my hand, I might have used it on myself afterwards. My conscience had always been my biggest enemy, my one fatal flaw. They tell me it was my fault, that I killed her. But I don't think so. I loved her, no matter how much I sound like I didn't. The one who killed her wasn't me, but the cruel, sad demon that lived in my heart and my brain. The monster that had plagued me since I was 8 years old. The...the beast that had taken my sister life, I only knew by its name: Envy. Critique The theme was fully realized and it was very well-written. Descriptions were good, motivations were present and easily understandable. The short story had nice pacing. Using first person POV makes the story more believable, but it can also hinder the reader from empathizing with your main character and make certain things a seem little over-done. Delving into the feeling of longing a little more would have really emphasized the things that the main character wanted and couldn't have. Something you could work on next time would be giving your characters a more complex personality. If you gave the perfect sister a few more flaws, and maybe added a few more positive facets to the envious sister, the story would be less predictable. When the reader already knows the concept is envy, and the story line involves two sisters, it becomes instantly cliche for one sister to be envious of the other, and they automatically start to assume that the story will go in a darker direction. Now, as far as the ending goes, you could have implied that the sister was killed, rather than state it outright and leave more to the imagination. Or, go all out, and have her not only kill the sister, but become her. You could have gone super weird and had main character skin the sister and wear her skin around, now that would be some creepy envy right there, but she should have at least taken over her identity or started dating her boyfriend. Just something a little extra for the end to have a bigger impact. kaibibi Sloth Perfect World WINNER of 2 Platinum Tokens and 1 Million Won https://docs.google.com/document/d/10TsoGN2zSRWb-KIb7uk2iZFZZtAk5Af-ds3Qojx7C58/edit Critique Your main win for this story was the tone. It felt very immersed in this futuristic, detached, high-tech world. This sort of monotone, colorless aspect really defined the style of the piece. The judges appreciated a story inspired by the prompts, but not completely dictated by them. They felt it had enough complexity to stand on its own. Well written, good pacing, and nice world-building. Now, what got you set back a couple of points was, firstly, two judges actually thought your prompt was Greed instead of Sloth, possibly your focus on motivation, rather than outcome blurred the line between the two. Secondly, it started out very Black Mirror-esque, but by the time we switched POV to the sister, it was extremely easy to guess that this would unfold into essentially the ending of WALL-E. You don't have to reinvent the wheel by coming up with something that no one else has done before, but it would have helped if you had to made the punchline, more ~punchy. A few tweaks or twists could have made it less easy to predict. RenjunSlays Pride Regulus Black WINNER of a $30 Voucher to Kpoptown, 3 Platinum Tokens and 750k Won https://drive.google.com/file/d/14x_G4sc2guzKvQB5l3hCRBNaUWl7s6P4/view Critique It was very well written overall. Some of the judges know the Harry Potter books very well, some do not. I'm personally not sure how closely this follows the cannon story. The most polarizing part of this entry for the judges however, seemed to be the choice of using the color blue to symbolize Pride. But ignoring the specific color aspect, the way you used a color to explain emotions and even personify an antagonist (sin) that was otherwise not physically seen, was very well done and made the story a whole lot richer. The pacing was great, the opening was fabulous — always start with an immediate gripping motivation that resonates with a broad audience — you achieved that. Now, going back to the use of color, blue was a bit distracting for some of the judges, as they questioned how it fit into the theme, when it more often denotes sadness, or lacking oxygen. Was it a blue-blood link? In relation to the Harry Potter universe, blue is the color of Ravenclaw, and pride could definitely be seen as trait of that house, but the two houses being weighed in the story are Slytherin and Gryffindor. Now to Me — Mims Judge. I found that blue, considering your opening description relating it to the ocean, felt more like an all encompassing/ smothering/washing all over your body type of feeling, and even in the end, since he drowns, I think it makes perfect sense to use the color blue. Even if technically Purple is the associated color of Pride. So this really did not bother me and did not effect your points. I'd like to thank everyone again for participating and allowing your work to be evaluated. Special shout out to the judging team: Rich Witch, Pirine, Ruppi, Bryant and myself. Thanks to JM for donating Plats. If more interest is shown in the future, Press may do another one of these, so let me know #Buy WANT and Stan Taemin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DEEmoniac 3,158 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Grats Ren , you are really a good writer Congrats to everyone too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akidoki 1,453 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Congratulations to the Winners!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kai Ackerman 763 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Congratulations to all~~~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaibibi 2,286 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Thank you for hosting and judging! I had fun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pirine 4,209 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Congrats guys! It was fun reading all your submissions~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint Ren 4,272 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Thanks for hosting and I appreciate the critique, I had fun writing this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rich witch 20,592 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 congrats to all the winners! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
singnotes 1,628 Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 Oh, I can't believe I somehow missed this contest, haha. Congrats to the winners! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vroom 3,221 Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 not ren winning all the writing contests on oh and hogging all the prizes i will never trust you again you phake Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint Ren 4,272 Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 not ren winning all the writing contests on oh and hogging all the prizes i will never trust you again you phake Not my fault, they keep hosting writing contests. I bought 3 NCT albums with the prize so it was well spent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.