caffe 1,650 Posted December 16, 2018 Share Posted December 16, 2018 This is my submission for the event You are not alone. !! Contains possibly triggering topics like self harm and suicide !! (I want to apologize for my English, it's not my 1st language.) Today marks my 44th day at the psychiatric ward at my local hospital. I got myself admitted by my therapist, who had previously made me sign a promise to meet her on Friday, the 2nd of November. The previous night I had prepared everything: Written notes to the people I love, collected all my medicine and bought a big bottle of wine. When the psychiatric crisis team asked me, why I had arrived at the hospital, I told them that I was there to buy some more time. Someone asked what I meant by that. I answered: "There's no way out of it. I know I'm going to kill myself. But by coming here, maybe I'll get just few more days". Because the truth was that I didn't want to die. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to fall into a coma. But if I had to risk my own life to get there, I was ready to take that risk. Since the locked ward didn't have any rooms left that time, I was asked to sign a paper to promise not to leave the open unit. I had to promise that I'd stay inside and wouldn't hurt myself in any way. So I signed the paper and stayed inside. The first day I filled out few forms, including BDI (Depression rating scale). If you score 30 points or more, you supposedly have severe depression. My score was 52. First days were hazy. I did nothing but existed. There's a small aquarium at the parlour. I used to sit and stare at the fishes swimming in small aimless circles. I could relate to them on some level. I felt like I was in a locked artificial space where my only purpose was to breathe and occasionally eat. But even a small glass tank was better than the outside. The world had turned into a deep ocean where there was nothing but endless darkness and me, alone, swimming to reach nothing but more and more dark. At the hospital us patients have daily opportunities to talk with nurses specialized in psychiatry. First days I didn’t have lot to say. Everything I knew, everything I visualized, everything I wanted was death. Dying itself did horrify me, it absolutely did, and a lot, but even more than that, I was terrified of living. On Monday I met my doctor for the first time. She put me on a new medication. I was skeptical to say at least, but as the time went by, my anxiety started to decrease. This gave me a little hope and I managed to get myself do some simple things: Watch television, read a book, even check my Twitter, which was one of the countless things I had forbid myself from doing. My mind had successfully convinced me to believe that I didn't deserve such things. At first I had imagined that if I was able to get rid of the excruciating anxiety, everything would turn into better. But now that the my old safe friend anxiety was gone, I was left with nothing but grey dullness. I wasn’t in pain, I was just incapable of feeling. Music sounded like weird static, talking with friends felt like performance. This emptiness led me to feel an emotion very unfamiliar to me: Anger. I felt like breaking things. The thought of throwing my phone into a wall was particularly tempting. I tried to explain these feelings to nurses and my doctor. She told me that starting new antidepressants can cause some increase in aggression. Few weeks had passed. Although there had been some improvements, I grew more and more exhausted of my situation and the thought of being mentally ill. As naive, ugly and unfair it is, I really wanted to be anywhere at the hospital but the psychiatric ward. I was ready to replace my fucked up brain with any kind of cancer or tumor. The more lethal, the better. I jokingly asked my doctor to perform lobotomy on me, but I kid you not, there were moments when I would had given everything I have to get my emotions permanently removed. A week ago, on Friday, I was allowed to to quickly visit my apartment to check my post and just have some time outside of the hospital. When I left the unit, I was feeling alright, but as I arrived my apartment, I was filled with all that frustration and anger. "What have I done wrong?" "Why couldn’t I stop myself from relapsing?" "Why do I have to be ill?" I opened the bottle I had bought a month ago and downed it in 10 minutes. I started to get really high really fast. I took my mp3-player and a knife. The playlist was on shuffle and BTS’s Butterfly started to play. I wouldn’t had thought that I’d hear kpop as my last song, but to be honest, I really, deeply, love that song. For a moment I could feel joy. For a short moment there, I danced, I sang, I smiled and I cried. And I cut. On my wrist. Hitting the vein was my only intention. As I was still capable of walking, I went and took out some of the pills I had collected and swallowed them with water. I did want to die. I really did. And yet, at some level, I did not. I sent my sister and some friends messages telling them that I love them. As I didn’t answer my friends’ calls, they knew something was off and called an ambulance. I spent that night at the emergency room and the following day I was voluntarily admitted to the locked ward. As I had broken the rules of the open unit, it was now uncertain if they’d continue my treatment. I was terribly ashamed but most of all sad. I had worked for weeks with help of all the nurses and a great doctor and yet I broke everything we had built in less than an hour. Hearing my dad’s voice over phone after what I had done destroyed me. I was unable to cover the pain anymore. â€I just don’t want to be ill anymore, dadâ€. It has been about a week since that call. I’ve recovered, but I’m unable to bend my left ring finger properly. One of the wounds on my wrist didn’t shut properly and my wrist looks… I’ve never been ashamed of my self harm scars, but the way my wrist looks now won’t require many questions, if any. I’ll be signed out tomorrow. On my 45th day. My dad will come and get me although he’s in his 70s and lives over 300 kilometers away. During this time I’ve met many patients, seen many come and leave. Each time someone’s about to get out, I’ve asked how they feel. The answer is always the same. â€I’m scaredâ€. Psychiatric wards are filled with people stronger than tigers. They all arrive bruised and beaten and are in pain that has no instant medical remedy. At the hospital you’re safe and you’re allowed to rest but only for a little while. The ocean is still out there. It’s still deep and it’s dark. But just like Andrea Gibson has put it: You teach your sons and daughters there are sharks in the water But the only way to survive is to breathe deep and dive Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 16, 2018 Share Posted December 16, 2018 stay strong babe. if you ever need to speak to anyone, my pms are always open Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coval 9,036 Posted December 16, 2018 Share Posted December 16, 2018 This was a wild read tbh, it's so surreal to me how you can see a user post often, think you might have a fairly good idea of what they're like irl but in reality you will never understand what is truly happening in their minds and in their lives. The fact you were even able to write this in such specific detail is wonderful. I'm really glad you're able to take the steps, however small or large they may be to recovery. Hope you're able to feel positive feelings from now on<3 It will be hard to adjust at first, you may be petrified of it all resurfacing again so I hope you find strength, because this world is crazy and and bizarre and sometimes cruel but sometimes really truly beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing this with the forum. It's really made me think about my life in general. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Digiwon 5,843 Posted December 16, 2018 Share Posted December 16, 2018 Wait this is for a writing contest right? Because if it is you are a great and very convincing writer, and your text has a lot of despair. I hope everything's alright with you just in case. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caffe 1,650 Posted December 16, 2018 Author Share Posted December 16, 2018 stay strong babe. if you ever need to speak to anyone, my pms are always open Thank you so much <3 I'll try to keep that in mind. And don't hesitate to PM me if you have something, I'm not delicate This was a wild read tbh, it's so surreal to me how you can see a user post often, think you might have a fairly good idea of what they're like irl but in reality you will never understand what is truly happening in their minds and in their lives. The fact you were even able to write this in such specific detail is wonderful. I'm really glad you're able to take the steps, however small or large they may be to recovery. Hope you're able to feel positive feelings from now on<3 It will be hard to adjust at first, you may be petrified of it all resurfacing again so I hope you find strength, because this world is crazy and and bizarre and sometimes cruel but sometimes really truly beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing this with the forum. It's really made me think about my life in general. Thank you so much. It will be a long journey to heal but I already know that I'm about to go to the right direction! Wait this is for a writing contest right? Because if it is you are a great and very convincing writer, and your text has a lot of despair. I hope everything's alright with you just in case. It's a contest to share a story about your own mental health. Everything I wrote is legit. I'm at the psych ward and I'll leave tomorrow. Thank you for praising my writing, it took me really long to write it bcs English isn't my first language. But it was super therapeutic to look behind all these weeks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Digiwon 5,843 Posted December 16, 2018 Share Posted December 16, 2018 Thank you so much <3 I'll try to keep that in mind. And don't hesitate to PM me if you have something, I'm not delicate Thank you so much. It will be a long journey to heal but I already know that I'm about to go to the right direction! It's a contest to share a story about your own mental health. Everything I wrote is legit. I'm at the psych ward and I'll leave tomorrow. Thank you for praising my writing, it took me really long to write it bcs English isn't my first language. But it was super therapeutic to look behind all these weeks Wow. Please stay strong and believe in your healing always. And I didn't even noticed english is not your main language. The text is wonderfully written! I felt immersed in your story and couldnt stop reading. You have a talent to evoke emotions and interesting descriptions for things. I wish you a steady healing, thank you for writing this, it made me think a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
juu 3,359 Posted December 16, 2018 Share Posted December 16, 2018 thanks for sharing, you seem like a great person and i hope you will feel better in the future <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Repeat 1,397 Posted December 16, 2018 Share Posted December 16, 2018 Thank you for writing this, it took great strength. And I hope you will look back, not on the mistakes you have made, but on times when you have been strong like admitting you needed help and checking yourself into the hospital and be proud of yourself for it. I wish you steady progress in your recovery and a brighter future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caffe 1,650 Posted December 18, 2018 Author Share Posted December 18, 2018 Wow. Please stay strong and believe in your healing always. And I didn't even noticed english is not your main language. The text is wonderfully written! I felt immersed in your story and couldnt stop reading. You have a talent to evoke emotions and interesting descriptions for things. I wish you a steady healing, thank you for writing this, it made me think a lot. Thank you so much, your words make me really happy! I'll do my best thanks for sharing, you seem like a great person and i hope you will feel better in the future <3 Thank you, I hope so too! I'll do my best to get there Thank you for writing this, it took great strength. And I hope you will look back, not on the mistakes you have made, but on times when you have been strong like admitting you needed help and checking yourself into the hospital and be proud of yourself for it. I wish you steady progress in your recovery and a brighter future. It sometimes does feel like a failure but I'll do my best to always remember all of those fellow patients and how much great strength they possessed. I'll do my best to find that same energy in me! Thank you <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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