Surviving child abuse and severe depression

[Lil Ayy Big Gay]

This gonna be real long cause it has been a battle my entire life so strap in my boys!!

This isnt going to be a real cheery post cause I'm still not really over it, but I'm more aware of things

Also this shit is IMPORTANT, i see some of you talk of child abuse, too and i hope this.. i dunno, makes you feel not alone.

 

 

I grew up with extremely abusive parents. My dad was straight outta the projects from Brooklyn and he took no shit from no one.

 

I cannot even tell you guys how many times he has beaten the shit out of me and my siblings for no real reason other we made a slight fuck up. One time I recall him laying into me because I didn't wash a single fork. Not only that, he was a sick fuck and got joy out of this shit. He would beat our asses blue in our front yard so everyone could see, and living in an area at the time was overtook by gangs, no one was gonna do jack fuck

 

My dad is insanely hateful and always was. I can't even ever recall him saying I love you, I can't even recall him even saying something polite. He was ALWAYS livid. I legit couldn't even go "Hello" without him telling me to fuck off.

 

This obviously fucked with me so bad, and in ways I only to started to understand these past few years. I had my first suicide attempt when I was 7 or 8. I don't really remember , all I know is that I was in 3rd grade. Don't remember what I did, either, tbh, but I got diagonsed with severe clinical depression after that.

 

What's fucked is that I clearly was not in a safe enviroment to even begin treatment, I was in a place that made it much much worse. Way worse. My dad found out about my attempt and told me to see if jabbing a finger really hard at my throat could do something (Ps, it can kill you). He just thought it was funny, no empathy at all.

 

Years went by and I internalized shit, thought it was normal because it was all I knew. When I was 12, I had to do some school therapy to "help" with my depression. I told this women about my father and all the shit he does to me and my siblings and she obviously had to get the police involved. 

Word to everyone, they do not give a fuck, nothing happened. The school doesn't care, the teachers didn't care. They had a 'talk' with my dad and that was it, no one talked about it again, not even my teachers.

 

I LITERALLY had someone tell me, my counselor, 'You need to tell yourself that is just how your dad is', and I will NEVER  forget how awful it was to hear. That shit told me no one cared and I basically never spoke to anyone about my father until I was 17.

 

I had friends that I thought cared about me but they really didn't. I told them about my father and it was just a dead silence, no one spoke, and I really needed someone to tell me that my father was fucked and that I wasn't imagining it, but nothing. [[ So if you have friends in a similar situation please fucking talk to them, tell them that its fucked, what they are feeling is real, tell them this shit is not okay, they really need it, please, I know it sounds so obvious to you but it isnt to us, your assurance means everything, Stockholm is real as hell]]

 

This is when I become massive emo in years come. 20-24 was hell. Not even lying, I did not hang out with a single friend. I fucking hated everyone. I started to realize how badly everyone in life has fucked me over and over and how hateful my dad was. I didn't talk to no one but just played video games cause I could escape everything. There's nothing to say about these years. Yeah its fucked, sad and lonely, but I got to understand none of this shit was my fault, got to see how badly it skewed my perception of everything. 

 

I always thought my mom was the 'good parent' until this past year, I realized how many times my siblings and me told my mom 'dad beats us' and she would respond each time with 'didnt know that!!', 

 

My mom surrounded herself in work so she conveniently was never home. Thing is my mom made her own her hours, she was her own boss. She even told me she worked a lot to avoid my father... this didn't click with how fucked it was.. that I was like 10 years old, with my other siblings, getting beaten in our damn front yard, mom not home, she was at work 'avoiding' him. This shit hurt me to realize my mom was a full on coward, and couldnt stand up for us. I get that my dad is an abusive asshat, but we were little kids, getting beaten, my mom knew and she avoided it all by working.

Anyways, this past year shit been nice. I'm not letting anyone toy with me and I'm doing what I want. It took me so long to realize everything and maybe me saying this someone can relate and feel assured.

I'm not going to be sappy and say 'it gets better', I FUCKING HATED HEARING THAT, thing is if you were badly abused as a kid it may not, and it hurts like fuck how your childhood was taken cause someone was a pure evil cunt.

 

Someone said this to me and its a similar saying but its the actual reality
"It does get better but it doesn't ever go away"

 

If you are in an abusive situation, I want to let you know, I love you and I get you. You are so strong and you can get through this demonic shit.
Keep in your head and don't let anyone invade it. I lost myself in art and video games. Find your thing and immerse yourself in it. This is insanely important and I am not fucking around about that. It could be a matter of life or death. You need some piece of mind, you deserve it. And FUCK whoever is hurting you.

 

If you need someone to talk to, istg im here, i want to help, we need to help each other

 

ALSO, dont feel bad if you still lowkey love your abuser, it takes time, dont fault yourself. I still love my dad and it hurts me tbh but this shit takes time and healing.

 

+ AND dont feel bad if you fr want them dead, you do not need to justify having a strong emotion like this towards your abuser either!

 

Love you guys and yes, if you want, ask me questions

 

 

- https://onehallyu.com/topic/749207-you-are-not-alone/

[SJJD]

i’m sorry you went through all that. having gone through abuse as well i can really relate to feeling like you’ve had a part of your life stolen from you, and it’s hard because you can recover but you can never do anything about that. i’m really glad you’re doing better.

[Gaudy]

I love you baby );

 

Thank you for existing, seriously

[caffe]

The fact that earlier today I finally faced my emotionally abusive mom and told her straight how much damage she has done on me and my sister and brother.. And now reading your story. I know it's hard but I wish you'll never blame yourself for what happened.

You, and me, both of us, we were small children that should had been protected. It's a long and possibly never-ending journey to heal, but I hope that you'll never give up.

[Riserise]

Wow, I'm really impressed that you shared this with us and then finish by telling people you want to help them.

 

You're really an amazing human being.

[T R O L L A R C H]

Thank you for having the courage and passion to share this story with us. 

 

This is relatable in the sense that I've been and still kind of am being abused but mentally.