Living with depression

[ByulHarangBona]

I was 19 year old when I was first diagnosed with depression. Back then, I had just enlisted to serve in the Military (It is compulsory for my country males to serve for at least 2 years). My mental state when I enlisted for my military service was pretty poor as I had just lost to someone who is really important to me. Coupled with the tough training, I started having suicidal thoughts. I confided to my superiors about the thought I was having and I was sent to the Institute of Mental Health and was diagnosed with depression. I was warded for a few days before going on medical leave to recuperate. I was eventually posted to a different military unit where I was handed a non-combat role. During my time there, I continued having my treatments and I did started to become happier again.

 

By the time I completed my military service, I have really become my old self again or so I thought and I didn't have to take my medication again.

 

But depression is like a many headed hydra. It's never truly go away. Somewhere around last year, I started being depressed after my paternal grandma passed away. She is a very important person to me and someone who I visited every weekend. Not having her around left a void in me.

 

Here is a photo of me with her:

 

 

 

 

 

 

She really mean a lot to me and I miss her dearly. With her gone, I started being more and more depressed. And 2018 got off to the worst start for me, I lost an Army Officer who I am close to and really respect to an accident overseas, due to me being foolish, I lost a few great friends.

 

I spent 3/4 of my 2018 living my life in darkness. There was many times when I wanted to end my life. I came really close a few time. The social stigma on depression in my country had also lead me to being unable to confide in my parents and friends in real life. I had tried telling my friends in real life but they brushed it off because they simply could not believe that such a bright and cheerful person like me can have depression at all. I ended up shutting myself off from my friends, avoiding contacts with them. With my parent, they do know that I have depression but I just find it really hard to talk to them about it.

 

Depression really crippled my life. Sometime I just feel like giving up. For those who does not known, I was actually announced as a junior moderator back a few months ago but I quitted on the day of the announcement as my depression was crippling me, making me feel useless.

 

Still no matter how hard depression been crippling me, I still been fighting it again and again, daily.

 

The Mental Health Thread have users helping me which I am grateful for. But I will really like to say that there is a close friend of mine who have really helped me a lot this year, always listening to my problems, always encouraging and helping me. That person is none other than Yujuwon/Jiyo. Without her, I probably won't be around anymore on this world. Of course, my OH fam have always been here for me when I need them too (Seunghee's eyebrows, katsu • curry • chips and UMJI MOODS).

 

I am 26 year old now. While I am still living with depression in my life, I do not want to give up. I want to continue fighting and one day win my fight against depression. If you know of anyone who is suffering from depression or any mental help problem, please do be there for you.

 

Also give peoples around you a hug or a comforting word. You never know how tough their day have been, and sometime that hug or that word might save their life.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

P.s: Special thanks to these girl groups & soloists because their music brighten up my life: 4Minute, After School, AOA, Apink, April,

Berry Good, BlackPink, CLC, Cosmic Girls, Davichi, DIA, Dreamcatcher, Elris, EXID, F(x), Fiestar, Fromis_9, Gfriend, (G)I-DLE, Girls'Day, Girls' Generation, Gugudan, Hello Venus, IBI, IOI, IZ*ONE, KARA, Laboum , Loona, Lovelyz, Miss A, Momoland, Oh My Girl,Orange Caramel,Pristin, Pristin V, Rainbow, Red Velvet, Secret, Sistar, Sonamoo,TTS, T-ara, Twice, Weki Meki, WJMK, Wonder Girls,Chungha, Sunmi, BoA, IU, Taeyeon, Eunji, Ailee, Hong Jin Young, Kasper.

[Nimz]

Thank you so much for sharing, and I'm so glad you're still here. Never give up on your fight!

 

[JihyoStoleMyHeartAYAYAY]

Aweee this depression threads makes me cry and want to be stronger for my future self   Thank you and I hope you all the best 

[orengi]

sending u a virtual hug

[love]

thank you for sharing your experiences...you are never alone and your struggles are valid (even if others don't always understand them).  

 

 

sending support your way 

[UMJI MOODS]

We are always here for you.

[deobizone]

this was really moving... I've also been depressed for awhile. I'm 21 and I was diagnosed after at 12/13 when I told my mum I wanted to kill myself. after that I was under constant treatment like weekly therapy visit, and taking several pills a day (I also have avpd, ocd, ptsd) until I was 18 and didn't wanna sign off on therapy. I was ok w the pills but I cajt get them w/o therapy (legally) I also tried college when I was 18 but I got too depressed that i basically skipped all my classes and got 'kicked out'. for a long time I felt like failure and I'm going to grow old relying on family and that feeling just rly made me wanna die. bc I just couldn't see myself to go to even get 2 yr degree. I have a job but not a 'career's. but with the union I'm in at work, there's a online college I can go to for a 2 yr degree (for basically free) and..I think I'm going to do it next time enrollment opens. I really have Hope's for my future and feel like there's really something there now. and these days in a lot better at being around ppl, talking to them -it was like impossible before. when I breakdown, it's pretty bad. but I never thought before I'd be where I am now (mentally)

[Baby Pickle]

Thanks a lot for sharing and hope you feel happy and healthy

[eunheart]

You have the strength to fight it! You have my love and support for it

Or at least you have your OH fam to always be there for you ♥

 

 

Funny how we can entitled to just one impression when our inner self struggling the other way round. That happens a lot even for non-depressed persons. But more importantly, your will to fight for yourself, that's the best remedy to get you away from depression. And yes, you still have friends that you can call family, and I'm grateful to see that. I'm glad that you have a good support system and positive kpop vibes around you. Have strength and continue to fight on for your own happiness! Fighting!

 

[T R O L L A R C H]

Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play
Hey now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars break the mold

 

I'd like for you to gain some motivation by watching the video below

 

 

 

Please message me if you'd like to talk about anything at all. I have some great instrumental music to suggest.

[Decretum]

Hey, same age here. I've been going through a lot lately, and my depression is starting to reveal it's ugly self again, too. Keep your head up.

[Kai Ackerman]

Thank you for sharing something so important. I wish you happiness~

[GreenMJ]

I'm definitely sure you will meet happiness on your way! You deserve it!

[katsu curry chips]

biggest, warmest and realest hug to you hun. i empathise deeply with what you live with and what you have experienced. thank you for having the courage to share, and not be alone bc you're not. 

[Riserise]

what a beautiful post.

 

As you see by all the upvotes, lots of people liked reading it.

 

You're very brave.

[Leonitka]

I think if you don't want to get such situation you need to spend time with yourself and your hobbies. For example I like sport, writing, watch movies, cooking, to read different news media websites(like this), etc. These things make me happier!

[Riserise]

Exercising is one of the best ways to cope.