How can I stop feeling so insecure in my relationship?

[WestWorld]

I am really really insecure about myself and I get anxious over little things. It really ruins my relationship with others. Three of my past relationships were awful. One of them was abusive, the second cheated, and the third one just ghosted me and started dating another girl so I have a lot of trust issues. However, recently I got into a relationship with someone new. Right now it’s long distance; 11 hours to be exact. He’s a great guy, I can talk to him openly about my feelings. He’s not the type to be open about his feelings so it took some time to get used to his style of dating. He’s very considerate of my feelings and he’s the first person to tell me that I’m important to him. That makes me feel good but why do I keep feeling so anxious? I don’t want to push him away and I know it’s a huge problem with myself. For example he usually texts me around 7-9 pm EST. If he doesn’t text me during that time, I feel so anxious. I wonder what he’s doing, why isn’t he texting me. Sometimes I’ll senr him 2-3 messages and I end up feeling so embarrassed cause he’s usually tired from studying all day (he has to pass an exam to get a job). So he sleeps in late sometimes or he’s busy doing something else. We talk almost every day, sometimes when he doesn’t text me back for a long time or he does something and I end up waiting for him for a long time (all night), I get a bit upset. I talked to him about it and he said it felt like I was being controlling because I wanted him to tell me if he was busy and couldn’t talk. I realize he is right. I am the type of person to overthink things. Today I was waiting for him to message me first but he didn’t so I ended up messaging him first and he responded back immediately. At that time suddenly, I started thinking like oh did he lose interest in me, why didn’t he message me after he woke up like he usually does. I called him and he said he is watching Tv and he will call me later so we hung up. At that time I realize how ridiculous I am. I feel really immature. I don’t want to feel insecure or anxious over every little thing. He’s such a good person and I don’t want to push him away but I know if I keep reacting like this, he will get tired of it. I feel embarrassed writing about it on here because as I was typing, I realize how I look like To others. I don’t want to be like that type anymore; how can I change?

[kyulkyung]

hmm i dont know much about relationships but based on your description, i feel like you should try to be more secure about the relationship since you seem happy and trustful about it. maybe don't expect too much from him if he doesn't text you everyday since he seems busy and plan out days to talk when he's free? if you are worried and want to text him, try to relax and do something that will distract your mind. good luck lol hope i helped somewhat

[pumpernikiel]

Hmmm, I think that being cheated on and ghosted broken you somehow. I had similar experience...It would be good if the new guy is well aware of this fact, so he should be more understanding and forgiving about this things. I am sure you did already, but maybe talk to him again, calmly - that you don't want to control him or anything, you just to feel more secure and that's why you act like this - this is the effect of your past bad experience. And it would be good to thank him and appreciated him if he cope well with it - respond quickly, call first or sth. It is important to appreciate the other person, to compliment (with honesty, not empty words) - they will cope with your unwanted bad sides better then.

 

And an the same time you should try to work on your actions a little - it would probably be very hard. It was for me. I think that the best way is to get busy. I don't know your age, but either find the ambitious job, or hobby or anything - something that makes your mind (not body) super busy, so you don't have time to wonder about "why didn't he write to me" every 5 minutes. It would be best if this would be something new to you, not some old jogging or going to everyday classes. The thoughts will probably go back to you in morning or evenings, but during the day, you will not have time to do so. It really works wonders. 

EDIT: after a while you will stop treating it like "this is a cure for my relationship", and will be just "I fell great doing this". And this is actually the most important Take care of yourself first.

 

 

The thing that I feel anxious about in this whole story is the long-distance relationship after so many mishaps. It makes everything harder, since you cannot touch him, or hug him or see him, and have to rely purely on his word. On what basis can you built the trust if you cannot check it at the beggining... Normally while you get to know the person you put together what he says and what he does, and you see if he is an honest person. While being long-distance, you blindly have to believe the talking. I would hate it. I feel anxious even reading about it in your post. Do you guys meet up sometimes at all?

I always believed a long-distanse is impossible unless you have long long normal-distance relationship before. But some people do it well, so do as you please of course. 

[cake mf]

Just remember...no matter what they do to you, you’re still amazing. Who cares if they cheat? You can just dump them and find someone better.

[delfinos]

i can relate to this bc i used to do the same exact thing in one of my relationships where it was also long distance and honestly i think it contributed greatly into why it didnt work out. i think a lot of ppl struggle with relationship insecurity and/or anxiety. first off, i think its a good step that you actually realize the problem you are facing and want to change!

 

there is a lot of information online about dealing with this type of problem, i read around a lot to try to figure out why i was feeling the way i was feeling (ill try to post some helpful links at the end!) and one of the biggest things i read about was to keep yourself busy/value your independence. instead of waiting around at the time he usually texts you for a message, i would suggest busying yourself with a certain hobby or activity during that time so your core focus isn't twiddling your thumbs mulling why he hasn't texted you. this way, you are unable to begin to overthink and instead, are preoccupied with your a new show you're watching or a video game. and instead of getting anxious over what might be, you'll look over at your phone once and a while and see he texted you just like normal! 

 

the reason why you keep calling him or texting him repeatedly is because it is your way to soothe yourself when you get anxious from overthinking, and it makes you feel better momentarily when he answers, but then you realize the way you're acting is immature and then you feel bad and then repeat the cycle. i would do a test to figure out what your attachment style is, as that explains what you expect out of romantic relationships and how you bond with those around you. honestly i dont think you asking him if he could simply let you know if he was busy/too tired to talk that day is a controlling move on your part. i would approach that topic again him and ask him just to shoot you a text if he is unavailable, and you'd do the same. it would be better communication all around.

 

i dont want to make this post too long, but please feel free to pm me if youre looking for more advice or if youre struggling and want to talk! ive been through a similar situation so i really do know how it feels. overall, it seems like this guy is interested/wants to be with you. if he didn't, he would not be, given from what youve said about the long distance and his hectic schedule. when you find yourself overthinking, try to remember that fact as well. 

 

here are some links i figure could be of help! read them over and over again when you feel anxious

 

 

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-you-feel-anxious-in-relationships-and-how-to-stop/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/tests/relationships/relationship-attachment-style-test
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/7mmtkb/29f_how_do_i_deal_with_relationship_anxiety/
https://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety-types/relationship-anxiety

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/anxiety/ridding-yourself-of-attachment-anxiety/

 

[bbbaekho]

i know you'll think "a lot easier said than done" but honestly, just have more confidence in yourself. think you're the shit. the most amazing, beautiful person who anyone would love to be with!

 

being cheated on is the worst..it literally breaks and crushes your self confidence. i went through the same thing, from someone who never cared about others to worrying and comparing myself to every other girl, ex's,friends etc. it's such a toxic behavior to have especially for the next, new relationship.

 

just know that the person you're currently with is a completely different person than the person who cheated on you, ghosted you, etc in the past. it's not fair to him that you're acting up due to your past relationships or expecting him to hurt you the way they did. just keep yourself busy, take care of yourself, and realize that you're hot shit! 

[I-stan-all]

As you’ve recognized, you’re affected by what happened to you and thus, have become quite insecure. However, no matter how nice the guy (or girl) is, neediness and clinginess is a turnoff for most people.

 

I actually feel that you should take some time off relationships and build up your self-esteem.

 

Going from damaging relationships after damaging relationships is like heaping more and more storeys/levels on a building with a weak foundation.

It’ll be almost impossible to end up with a strong and steadfast building (relationship) when the foundation (your self-esteem) is so weak.

 

Think about what makes you tick. Your strengths and passions. You like being creative? Join a pottery class, start photography, sculpting, fashion design, painting. Start an Instagram account to showcase your work. You like sports? Learn mma, Muay Thai or join a recreational hockey/tennis/etc club. Want to be rich someday? Start a small business, learn trading, get passionate about the stock market. Also, volunteering for a cause that’s close to your heart can sometimes literally change your life.

 

These may seem so unrelated but it’s not. It’s beneficial in a few main ways.

 

A. You become a stronger person. Because your emotions and self-worth is no longer tethered to a person who may or may not let you down, but to things that come from within you, your calling, your interests, your passions, the pursuit of your own dreams and your achievements. In other words, you become less needy and more confident.

 

B. Usually when you put yourself out there by joining various interest groups, you’ll widen your circle of friends and thus, your social support network. Of course, for really solid friendships it’ll take time, sometimes years, to develop. But it’s so worth it. Whenever I’m down, nothing makes me feel better than going out with friends who really care and I can have fun with, who’d make me laugh, and help me to feel that things aren’t so bad.

 

C. You’ll start to attract guys who would really fall for who you are. I find that some of the best guys are people who respect, and are attracted by, a girl who’s independent (but not self-centered), strong and passionate.

 

Anyway, all the best.

[Suzy Quatro]

You need to focus on yourself more, like actually trying to improve your selfesteem overall.

 

In the end if someone is really going to appreciate and care for you is only you. So you need to improve just for your own sake and no one else.

 

By the way, this a long distance relationship is like the worse idea for someone like you. It's like the total opposite of what you need if you don't want to be insecure anymore.