SakuraMatcha 777 Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 So I have certain criteria for who I want to be in a long-term, committed relationship with...someone I can marry and have a family with at some point. I feel quite strongly about these things because I feel like they’re important to who I am as a person, and I’d honestly rather be alone than have to settle. But whenever I tell my family and friends why I haven’t found anyone to commit to yet, they say I’m being unreasonable, that I should “be more open-minded and flexibleâ€, that I’m never going to find the right guy with this attitude and the criteria I currently have. Maybe you guys can tell me specifically what I’m being unreasonable about? I feel like I need other perspectives, because maybe I am being a little too stubborn and need to hear it from someone other than family or friends. Please be as honest as you want... (This is besides all the important qualities, like being woke, being a good person, etc.) Be sexually compatible (I want a lifetime of good sex, is that so unreasonable to want to have in a marriage?) Be intellectually compatible (if or when the physical spark dies, I want us to be able to have meaningful conversations about things important to both of us, I want there to be something besides just good sex. I definitely don’t want him to be a lot smarter or dumber than me so that one of us develops a complex about it.) Not want biological children and want to adopt instead (this is so important to me. My family and friends: “what man is not going to want to have his own children?â€) Be a vegetarian like me or eat meat infrequently and respect my aversion to it (is food not one of the most important factors to consider in a household and in life, wouldn’t it be a lot less stressful for both of us to follow similar diets, for me to not have to cook or deal with meat if I don’t want to? My family and friends: “men love their meat, you’re going to have a hard time finding a vegetarian guyâ€.) Like watching football as much as I do (if we’re gonna be spending the rest of our lives together, is it too much to ask that we both enjoy this one form of escapism together?) If you think I need to get real, please say so and please elaborate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EasySteezy 860 Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 That's not unreasonable. I had a long list of things that would actually make me want to quit the player life and become committed and guess what? found a guy with all of them and we are saving up to get our own place. Never quit the search Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nimz 3,113 Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 That doesn't sound unreasonable. Everyone has their standards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReveLuvAZ 424 Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 Honestly, I don't think you're unreasonable. If those are the core values you hold dear, then asking your partner to respect and understand them (or adhere) is just fine. Shared values is actually far more important in a relationship than shared interests. That being said... if you have some very specific things you desire, it can take a lot longer and be more difficult to find that someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pururin 14,348 Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 the first 3 are reasonable to me if you're looking for a husband the last 2 are ok but like to find someone with all 5 might be difficult unless you have some kind of vegetarian football watching club idk good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noriko 314 Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 the first 3 are reasonable to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eriy.m 2,900 Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 I find the last two conditions definitely unreasonable. You want someone to be EXACTLY like you and that is just impossible. I'm not saying you're not allowed to have preferences but at least try to understand the other person and that, them too, even if they care about you, they must have values in life which they live by. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smrookies girls 1,085 Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 It's not unreasonable at all (they haven't seen my criterias lol). But I think that It will may be hard for you to find someone who doesn't want to have biological children. A lot of men have nothing against the adoption, but they still want a biological children because the "feeling" is not the same (i mean it's two different experiences. you don't live pregnancy and most of the times you miss the first years of the child when you adopt. It's something that a lot of people miss). Also for the vegetarian thing it will be hard, but not impossible. If you have vegetarians friends etc... it will be easier to find someone who will be vegetarian or doesn't eat meat often. But maybe you should just accept someone who respect that you are vegetarian and accept you as who you are? Just because you are wife and husband doesn't mean that you have to eat always the same thing. You can eat the same meals during the week and let him cook a steak for him during the weekend... For the last one... I agree that you should have common interests with your husband but it doesn't matter if he doesn't really enjoy football... that's just my opinion... But most men like football so I don't think it will be a problem to find a man who loves football But you have your own criterias and they are not unreasonable. Don't worry you'll find someone who think like you one day. You shouldn't have to lower your standards just to not be single Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frell 506 Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 the first 3 are reasonable to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilies 2,186 Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 the first 3 are reasonable to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fartsniffer 1,023 Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 Speaking as a man, I can accept all of them except 3. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessinwonderland 1,844 Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 The first three are good and i can understand but the last two might be hard to find. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starsocks 7,986 Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 Having high standards is never a bad thing. Especially if it's someone you want to marry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oli London 1,762 Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 Not at all. I have lower standards than that and... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oli London 1,762 Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 · Hidden by Yuri, March 4, 2018 - No reason given Hidden by Yuri, March 4, 2018 - No reason given . Link to comment
Loonathehoe 4,579 Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 I think it's okay, I think it's better to have high standards than go out with the first person that crosses Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meiqi's Maid 488 Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 That doesn't sound unreasonable. Everyone has their standards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seras 2,657 Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 By themselves, the points aren't that far fetched but if you want all that together in one person? Good luck finding him sis. Not want biological children and want to adopt instead Be a vegetarian like me or eat meat infrequently and respect my aversion to it Especially with these two points tbh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SakuraMatcha 777 Posted March 4, 2018 Author Share Posted March 4, 2018 That's not unreasonable. I had a long list of things that would actually make me want to quit the player life and become committed and guess what? found a guy with all of them and we are saving up to get our own place. Never quit the search That doesn't sound unreasonable. Everyone has their standards. Honestly, I don't think you're unreasonable. If those are the core values you hold dear, then asking your partner to respect and understand them (or adhere) is just fine. Shared values is actually far more important in a relationship than shared interests. That being said... if you have some very specific things you desire, it can take a lot longer and be more difficult to find that someone. Having high standards is never a bad thing. Especially if it's someone you want to marry. Not at all. I have lower standards than that and... I think it's okay, I think it's better to have high standards than go out with the first person that crosses That doesn't sound unreasonable. Everyone has their standards. Thanks for your input. That’s how I feel about it too, I’d rather hold on to my standards (especially when it comes to the core values) than compromise and resent the person I choose to spend my life with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SakuraMatcha 777 Posted March 4, 2018 Author Share Posted March 4, 2018 the first 3 are reasonable to me if you're looking for a husband the last 2 are ok but like to find someone with all 5 might be difficult unless you have some kind of vegetarian football watching club idk good luck Lmaooo someone tell me how I can get access to this club! Thanks for the laugh XDSeriously though, thanks for the input...I know him being a vegetarian isn’t that important as long as he can respect my choices, so I won’t be completely closed-off to omnivores haha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SakuraMatcha 777 Posted March 4, 2018 Author Share Posted March 4, 2018 the first 3 are reasonable to me the first 3 are reasonable to me the first 3 are reasonable to me The first three are good and i can understand but the last two might be hard to find.Thanks for the input, I will seriously consider it. I am definitely aware of how difficult it’ll be finding someone like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SakuraMatcha 777 Posted March 4, 2018 Author Share Posted March 4, 2018 I find the last two conditions definitely unreasonable. You want someone to be EXACTLY like you and that is just impossible. I'm not saying you're not allowed to have preferences but at least try to understand the other person and that, them too, even if they care about you, they must have values in life which they live by. Thanks for your input, I get what you’re saying. I just hope to find someone with similar values to my own, you know what I mean? I definitely don’t want them to be exactly like me, and of course I’d try to understand the other person the way you’re saying. I know him being a vegetarian isn’t that important as long as he can respect my choices, so I won’t be completely closed-off to someone who isn’t one. But the football thing...I have so many likes and dislikes but this is one thing I really enjoy in the company of others and I would love it if this was the one thing we had in common as partners too. It's not unreasonable at all (they haven't seen my criterias lol). But I think that It will may be hard for you to find someone who doesn't want to have biological children. A lot of men have nothing against the adoption, but they still want a biological children because the "feeling" is not the same (i mean it's two different experiences. you don't live pregnancy and most of the times you miss the first years of the child when you adopt. It's something that a lot of people miss). Also for the vegetarian thing it will be hard, but not impossible. If you have vegetarians friends etc... it will be easier to find someone who will be vegetarian or doesn't eat meat often. But maybe you should just accept someone who respect that you are vegetarian and accept you as who you are? Just because you are wife and husband doesn't mean that you have to eat always the same thing. You can eat the same meals during the week and let him cook a steak for him during the weekend... For the last one... I agree that you should have common interests with your husband but it doesn't matter if he doesn't really enjoy football... that's just my opinion... But most men like football so I don't think it will be a problem to find a man who loves football But you have your own criterias and they are not unreasonable. Don't worry you'll find someone who think like you one day. You shouldn't have to lower your standards just to not be single Thank you so much for your input! Honestly I agree with most of what you’re saying. You’re right, I’ll definitely keep all this in mind. You shouldn't have to lower your standards just to not be singleYeah, I feel the same way.Speaking as a man, I can accept all of them except 3. Do you mean three of the criteria I’ve listed or the third one? Can you explain why? I’m honestly curious to know a man’s perspective on this particular point (about not having biological children and adopting instead). By themselves, the points aren't that far fetched but if you want all that together in one person? Good luck finding him sis. Especially with these two points tbh. Lol I totally agree. The more I think about it the more I realize how rare all of this might be and I’m honestly resigned to being single long-term if need be. Thanks for your input! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noriko 314 Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 When you really love someone your criteria .. except for the first 3 well it doesn't matter sorry ... It's not because of your criteria you are single you just didn't fall in love. Your criteria is more about problems that can emerge if you are staying with someone a long time (like the third one can be difficult if not shared). Football : I have interest in others fields than my boyfriend and it's actually a good thing ! In a couple you also need to rest of your partenaire sometimes so football can stay your escapism and only yours, for me kpop is my escapism and I love it that's it's only mine. Well of course if he likes football it's all good too Food : it if it's really love you'll both find a way to adapt to the other (maybe will eat less meat with you, ...). Conclusion : partenaires built a relation and change for the other to construct the relation so you don't need to worry too much about your criteria, just let yourself be in love when you are Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fartsniffer 1,023 Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 Do you mean three of the criteria I’ve listed or the third one? Can you explain why? I’m honestly curious to know a man’s perspective on this particular point (about not having biological children and adopting instead). only number 3. it's quite simple, raising children requires finite resources. why should i spend it raising someone who isnt biologically related to me? this goes beyond logic, this is about instinct. why do you exist? why do animals exist? because the previous generation procreated and gave the next generation tools to succeed. if the previous generations didnt have such instincts, we wouldnt be born into this world. if i'm gonna have children, they better carry my genes. or we wont have any. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KaniPi 2,626 Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 No, I think those criteria is not unreasonable/impossible. 1) Sexual relations (uh every guy wants to be good there, thats a given) 2) Intellectual (there are smart guys, just need to look around) 3) Adoption (not as uncommon as you think) 4) Vegetarian (same as above) 5) Football lover (common as hell for a guy) Have you tried looking online on dating/marriage sites? However, I wouldn't miss someone amazing if they didn't fit all those criterias. Also, wouldn't that be quite boring though... if you were with someone exactly like you? few differences keep things going for long-term. Just my opinion. These two criteria may shortlist people for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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