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My views on depression and my experiences with it

Nowhere Boy

By Nowhere Boy
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Nowhere Boy Legend

Nowhere Boy

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Depression is a very real thing. A very real thing and one of the worst things that can happen to someone. There are people out there who try and say that depression is just “in your headâ€, or that depression is just being “angsty†or “whinyâ€, or that you’ll “snap out of it soon, it’s not the end of the world†but no, that’s nothing but a load of bullshit.

 

Mental illness is a very serious thing that should not be taken lightly. I understand that there are people who do not understand depression and/or the severity of it, but for those that do understand it, you will probably relate to nearly every word I’m about to say.

 

Depression is not your run of the mill illness. I haven’t developed a cough, I’m not puking, and I did not catch it from someone. It’s not something that you can just, catch out of nowhere. To me, depression is a lot of things, but one of those things that it is, is a monster. A monster that can keep growing, until it’s out of control. Eventually that monster is your greatest enemy.. and for some, their downfall.

 

It’s honestly a truly indescribable thing. I’ve tried my best to describe depression to people but I never feel like I can really describe it to its full potential. As for the way you feel, to me I just feel empty and broken. I feel as if I was accidentally put into this world, instead of someone else. I feel as if my life has no purpose, and that there’s just no place for me in this world. I ponder why I’m even here. Why the fuck am I here? What was so special about me, some random ass guy, to be put into this world? I think about what it’d be like if I wasn’t part of this world, every single day. I think about what it would be like if I didn’t have to experience this pain, this suffering. Feeling suicidal is probably the worst and most disgusting feeling in the entire world.

 

I lack motivation. My only goal is to sleep or just lay down. I spend most of my days lately laying in bed and/or sleeping now. I have my good days. Some days I’ll feel energetic and alive, I’ll feel like depression is just a little thing of the past. I feel like I’m a million bucks, like I’m going to have it all some day. But then, in just a small amount of time, I’m back to where I was. And it gets worse. Every. Single. Time.

 

Right now, I’m currently in one of my depression phases and it’s the worst I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never been so suicidal and I’ve never been so empty. Will it pass? Probably. That’s how depression is. You think you’re all good, but out of nowhere everything is fucked up again. All it takes is one little thing to trigger it. Sometimes, it doesn’t take anything. Sometimes it just fucking happens. That’s how depression is, we understand it but at the same time it’s a mystery. Why does this happen to us? Why do these feelings keep coming? Why won’t they go away?

 

The most depressing thing about depression to me is the possibility that.. it never goes away completely. Not everyone will agree Yeah, you may be happy, you may be loving life.. but those awful thoughts you had when you were depressed.. they’re still there, deep in the back of your mind.

“I’m not good enoughâ€

“I’m a loserâ€

“I’m the loneliest I’ve ever beenâ€

“I’m better off deadâ€

Those thoughts taint me and lots of other people. They’re thoughts that refuse to leave me the fuck alone, no matter how happy I am. They just always come back to haunt me, every single time.

 

Will I ever conquer depression and get over it? I like to believe so. I’ve thought to myself in the past that with treatment, strength, and most importantly, love, that I can get past this. But at the same time, I feel like I’m never going to get better. I feel as if I’m just like this and it’s how I’m meant to be. I sometimes believe that I’m just going to get worse and worse, until I’m finally gone. I’ve had times where I thought I was done with depression, but it always comes back. Hopefully it will stay gone.. for good one day.

 

As for treatment, yes, I am receiving treatment. It actually helped me a great deal for a while. I take Zoloft, an antidepressant. It has helped me tremendously, but lately it’s just not doing what it did in the past. I visit my psychiatrist on Tuesday, so maybe my dosage will he raised or I’ll try something new all together. I also see a therapist. I’ve only been twice, but it really does take a lot off of your chest to talk to someone about it. I of course have other outlets. I write songs, which helps tremendously. Just listening to music helps as well. I also smoke a lot of marijuana, which I don’t know if I’d recommend or not. I think pot is a great thing, but I don’t think you should use it as a crutch for depression. And of course, the most important “outletâ€, is the people I have in my life that care for me and make me feel like I’m actually worth something. The people that will voluntarily take time out of their day just to talk to my crazy ass self. That goes a long fucking way, and I cannot thank those enough that have taken time out of their days to sit down and help me. I love all of you more than you could ever know, you mean the world to me.

 

I hope my post did not depress or upset anyone, I just wanted to offer my views on depression and my experiences with it. Right now I’m in a really, really awful state and writing this has made me feel better. It always feels good to get everything out. To those reading this, I hope that you are happy right now, or that you find happiness in some form. It’s all you deserve, you deserve to be happy.

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glow Star

glow

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This is a beautiful and well written piece. 

 

Also,

The most depressing thing about depression to me is the possibility that.. it never goes away completely. Not everyone will agree Yeah, you may be happy, you may be loving life.. but those awful thoughts you had when you were depressed.. they’re still there, deep in the back of your mind.
“I’m not good enoughâ€
“I’m a loserâ€
“I’m the loneliest I’ve ever beenâ€
“I’m better off deadâ€
Those thoughts taint me and lots of other people. They’re thoughts that refuse to leave me the fuck alone, no matter how happy I am. They just always come back to haunt me, every single time.

Will I ever conquer depression and get over it? I like to believe so. I’ve thought to myself in the past that with treatment, strength, and most importantly, love, that I can get past this. But at the same time, I feel like I’m never going to get better. I feel as if I’m just like this and it’s how I’m meant to be. I sometimes believe that I’m just going to get worse and worse, until I’m finally gone. I’ve had times where I thought I was done with depression, but it always comes back. Hopefully it will stay gone.. for good one day.
 

I feel the same. Unlike the flu or something, mental illness is more something you manage and try to work with or around, it's not "cured" the same way as a physical illness, which makes it all the more tormenting. Thank you for such a thoughtful and caring post. 

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neosoul Senior Idol

neosoul

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This is a great post. I related to everything you wrote, in fact I have almost the same exact experience. I hope it doesn't come off wrong, but reading posts like this brings me comfort, because there's someone else going through / went through the same thing I did. I feel less alone.

 

Thanks for this post :-)

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atwork Senior Idol

atwork

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trust me it can be cured completely mine was way worse but now i am almost normal again i would say i am 80% normal again.. be positivist try to hangout with nice people read positive stories online that relate to you it can help. also seek professional help. we all can feel depressed at times it doesn't mean you will not be depressed again but you can control it better like normal people do.

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move-d Debutee

move-d

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This is a great post. I related to everything you wrote, in fact I have almost the same exact experience. I hope it doesn't come off wrong, but reading posts like this brings me comfort, because there's someone else going through / went through the same thing I did. I feel less alone.

 

Thanks for this post :-)

 

i will spoiler

 

what is wrong with me when i personally hate everything that tries to tell me that life is good? i don't want to live and i think there is nothing to hold on, nothing to fight for. no matter how many inspirational posts are posted. even from people who had similar thoughts?i believe everyone who has the will to fight it sure deserves happiness in their life though

 

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rootless Senior Idol

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OP I'm not good with words but thank you for sharing your experience and it's good you let it all out. It's sad that some people see depression as something that is "in your head" when it is not. We must raise awareness. I'm trying to do so through a school club I co-founded :) I'm happy to hear you have support from people around you and you have treatment. I hope everything works out & your medication helps you even more! I really appreciate your post. Even though I can't understand the depth of your feelings (idk if I'm expressing myself right but I don't mean this in a bad way), I hope you see brighter days and that you receive immeasurable love. My PM is open any time if you ever want to talk. Hugs!!

 

Edit: To everyone in this thread, my wishes of happiness and love, I wish them for you too. If you want to talk, I'm here <3

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mrs.otter Legend

mrs.otter

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Thank you for posting this <3 Lately I've been feeling so bad but I know it will pass soon... Hang in there everyone.

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lovely_me Global Superstar

lovely_me

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I feel as if I was accidentally put into this world, instead of someone else. I feel as if my life has no purpose, and that there’s just no place for me in this world. I ponder why I’m even here. Why the fuck am I here? What was so special about me, some random ass guy, to be put into this world? I think about what it’d be like if I wasn’t part of this world, every single day. 

 

yup i can relate.. 

It went as far that i many times asked my Mom directly why she even born me! No one asked me if i want to be born, it was decided over my head. I rlly want to know why me.. why i was the one to win and be born? What is my purpose here? 

The thing is even worse as the doctors told my Mom i may not survive as i was born, but i did.. again why? Its so complicated for my head. 

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Pirine Superstar

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Yes I can relate, unfortunately. Its a disease that takes away hope, you feels as though nothing matters and nothing can get better. Its a feeling thats just so hard to accurately put into words.

 

I think its near impossible for people to be able to understand that if theyve never experienced it themselves. I did however find a flash game that does its best to make people understand the feelings associated with depression a bit more. I thought it did a good job, at least I was able to relate to it.

http://gambit.mit.edu/loadgame/summer2010/elude_play.php

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EORUM Senior Idol

EORUM

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i agree, it's something very hard to explain

 

i was in undergrad when i experienced the worst of mine and the worst thing about it is my family literally has no idea depression exists and they can't understand my behavior and it was just very hard

 

like before its like u're full of life and then suddenly, even brushing ur teeth seems like a bad idea. its not even feeling sad hmm its like u're tired of life and ure lifeless and has no motivation to do anything. and then sometimes ull be happy for a bit but then u can feel urself getting bad again. like u sleep more and u don't shower and u isolate urself

 

but now im okay and im happy. yes its really true that there are better dayssss

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Shourie Idol

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An Amazing Post. Thanks for saying this out loud. Don't worry you can escape it. It's not impossible but I'll be quite harsh and say that it heavily depends on yourself whether you'll get better. No substance can "truly" remove this. Guidance from others is helpful but the hard part is performing them. 

 

Let's have a story time. People in any status whether he/she is fine or not or if he/she is suffering from depression they can still control their emotion or facial expression. One thing that urges Depression to happen(from my experience) is when you rest your body and mind uncomfortably. Resting is required for humans right? to function and to stay healthy. There's also another thing that resting do. It releases stress. Now, when you're alone sitting somewhere and you don't have anything to do. You'll either sleep or go into the phase where you'll talk with your sub-consciousness(You're still awake) and this is where things gets messy. Since you trust yourself you'll tend to spill allot of things to yourself. At first it can be positive things like whatever happy things happen to you you'll somehow think about it. but then your body will quickly recognize that you're "resting" making your mind release stress on that very same spot. Turning your good thoughts into negative ones. This is where you'll start questioning your existence and such. (Although people with strong/above average mentality or fortitude can block this easily without them even knowing.) It basically spawns when both your mind and body is in it's weakest phase. Outside factors like insults etc and tragedies can quickly damage your mental fortitude upon certain conditions. These are one of my observation upon myself and in an another individual I might as well share.

 

Depression is something that can be catch anywhere like seriously(you said this). A human's happiness is not easily filled there will always be a void where stress could build up. Loneliness can trigger it. Lack of Satisfaction, Lack of anything or too much of anything.

Sadly a (huge) portion of the world still hasn't accept this. Life promotes Happiness above all and they rarely ventures the darkness to try and understand those who are in pain. It's really bullshit when people take this kinds of things lightly.

 

My best advice to you is to first take care of your body. No weeds or other chemicals will remove depression. It can remove/block the past ones but your mind and body is weak already meaning you're very vulnerable and you'll just create another one. So no it won't help. You need to make your body healthy then start convincing yourself positivity with things you enjoy( subjective cause this depends on the person). Anyway I wish you good luck in the future. I hope you can surpass it. Thanks for sharing this. 

 

You can pm anyone here or me if you feel like you need to spill some things

 

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lordKEN Star

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I never really considered myself to have undergone depression. 

 

But the other I was thinking about my childhood. I went through child abuse (physical and psychological) as a kid. Since I was 4 years old, I pretty much questioned life and what is the point of living. I blamed myself for things I never did, pretty much brainwashed into thinking I am not worthy and deserve all the beatings and the random shit that was thrown my way. Like, I would talk to myself and scold myself for stuff I never did. It was rather messed up. There are a lot of side-effects of physical and psychological abuse. For me, I became a more angry child, which I eventually tried to correct at an early age because I realised how much my siblings hated me because of that. I also remember having some flashbacks every now and then - so maybe that’s PTSD?? Somehow, somewhere, I started to see school and basically any activity outside the house as an outlet. The home was hell to me. I am an introvert but I forced myself to be a more sociable person just to find a way to be “happierâ€. I started believing in the notion of how life will get better. Believing in this perceived future where all my problems will miraculously disappear. But to be honest, I am 22 now, and things never got better, I just learned how to deal with it and how to not let it affect my feelings. I have grown up fine but I am highly aware that my personality is shaped by my childhood. I do feel that my mental health was quite messed up as a kid and when my parents when through their divorce. My parents got divorced during my late teens, things went back down a downward spiral. I went through psychological abuse again. (I was actually blamed for the whole thing????) I've never felt so dark in a long time. There were a lot of flashbacks to my childhood memories. Managed to keep myself slightly sane by, again, focusing on school. I also contemplated suicide for a few hours until I managed to snap myself out of it. 

 

Okay, writing this post made me realised how messed up things are in my family. How am I still living here...

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Nowhere Boy Legend

Nowhere Boy

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This is a beautiful and well written piece. 

 

Also,

I feel the same. Unlike the flu or something, mental illness is more something you manage and try to work with or around, it's not "cured" the same way as a physical illness, which makes it all the more tormenting. Thank you for such a thoughtful and caring post. 

Thank you for reading :)

+1

I couldn't have said it better myself.

 

I hope you will find your inner peace soon

I hope you do too! Thank you so much for reading :)

This is a great post. I related to everything you wrote, in fact I have almost the same exact experience. I hope it doesn't come off wrong, but reading posts like this brings me comfort, because there's someone else going through / went through the same thing I did. I feel less alone.

 

Thanks for this post :-)

Thank you! That makes me so happy that this comforted you, that's one of the things that I wanted to achieve with this thread. Just know that you're not alone! Everyone!

trust me it can be cured completely mine was way worse but now i am almost normal again i would say i am 80% normal again.. be positivist try to hangout with nice people read positive stories online that relate to you it can help. also seek professional help. we all can feel depressed at times it doesn't mean you will not be depressed again but you can control it better like normal people do.

Thank you so much for reading :) I'm glad that you've been feeling better! you deserve it!!

I can relate to every single thing you said, OP. Thank you for this enlightening post and I really do hope you get better In the future smile.png.

Thank you :) I'm glad that you appreciated it and I hope you feel better too!!

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Nowhere Boy Legend

Nowhere Boy

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OP I'm not good with words but thank you for sharing your experience and it's good you let it all out. It's sad that some people see depression as something that is "in your head" when it is not. We must raise awareness. I'm trying to do so through a school club I co-founded smile.png I'm happy to hear you have support from people around you and you have treatment. I hope everything works out & your medication helps you even more! I really appreciate your post. Even though I can't understand the depth of your feelings (idk if I'm expressing myself right but I don't mean this in a bad way), I hope you see brighter days and that you receive immeasurable love. My PM is open any time if you ever want to talk. Hugs!!

 

Edit: To everyone in this thread, my wishes of happiness and love, I wish them for you too. If you want to talk, I'm here <3

It's okay, I thought your post was very well written! I appreciate you reading this and for being so kind!

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Nowhere Boy Legend

Nowhere Boy

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yup i can relate.. 

It went as far that i many times asked my Mom directly why she even born me! No one asked me if i want to be born, it was decided over my head. I rlly want to know why me.. why i was the one to win and be born? What is my purpose here? 

The thing is even worse as the doctors told my Mom i may not survive as i was born, but i did.. again why? Its so complicated for my head. 

I had a similar situation.. I didn't almost die, but I was as close as you can get to being born with Spinal Bifida. Basically I'd be paralyzed from the waist down for my entire life. I feel like as we get older, we find a purpose in life. I don't feel like I have a purpose in life right now, but part of me still knows that I do in the end. Thank you for reading!

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Nowhere Boy Legend

Nowhere Boy

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I honestly had depression but i bet my psychiatrist couldn't care less and I told my dad that I wasn't gonna continue and my dad agreed without a 2nd thought, so he couldn't probably care less too. Now I'm kinda suffering but I honestly don't know how to open my mouth......................

Please, please seek treatment immediately. I know it's difficult, but everyone here in this thread is here for you! There's a lot more people in the world that are here for you, too. Perhaps you could see a new psychiatrist, maybe that'd be for the best. Feel free to DM me about this anytime. Thank you for reading!

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JeanneD'Arc Debutee

JeanneD'Arc

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Please, please seek treatment immediately. I know it's difficult, but everyone here in this thread is here for you! There's a lot more people in the world that are here for you, too. Perhaps you could see a new psychiatrist, maybe that'd be for the best. Feel free to DM me about this anytime. Thank you for reading!

Thanks!

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Nowhere Boy Legend

Nowhere Boy

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Yes I can relate, unfortunately. Its a disease that takes away hope, you feels as though nothing matters and nothing can get better. Its a feeling thats just so hard to accurately put into words.

 

I think its near impossible for people to be able to understand that if theyve never experienced it themselves. I did however find a flash game that does its best to make people understand the feelings associated with depression a bit more. I thought it did a good job, at least I was able to relate to it.

http://gambit.mit.edu/loadgame/summer2010/elude_play.php

thank you for reading :) and wow, I played this a little and it's honestly quite scary how much i related to it.. i'm glad it's out there though. it describes it pretty well.

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Nowhere Boy Legend

Nowhere Boy

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i agree, it's something very hard to explain

 

i was in undergrad when i experienced the worst of mine and the worst thing about it is my family literally has no idea depression exists and they can't understand my behavior and it was just very hard

 

like before its like u're full of life and then suddenly, even brushing ur teeth seems like a bad idea. its not even feeling sad hmm its like u're tired of life and ure lifeless and has no motivation to do anything. and then sometimes ull be happy for a bit but then u can feel urself getting bad again. like u sleep more and u don't shower and u isolate urself

 

but now im okay and im happy. yes its really true that there are better dayssss

I appreciate you for reading :) I'm so glad that you're feeling better and happier! you deserve it

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