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jonghyun was finally sent off, I am not gonna lie to you, I was doing a little better until the moment of the funeral came because it suddenly hit me that he's gone and not coming back, watched the video that the media shared and seeing everyone in pain killed me, it was hard to deal with, I broke down and my own mental state was at stake, cried a lot and even said so many things that I won't say now because it would be replay o of what happened with me and it's triggering and too much information, I wasn't okay some hours ago but I am trying to be better now.

 

 

this pearl aqua moon eased my soul, I don't believe in so many supernatural things but this cannot be a simple coincidence, this is jonghyun telling us he's finally up there looking at us from above, good night jonghyun, sleep well, I love you and you shall not be forgotten, you did well!

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The pearl aqua moon did wonders for me, before that I'd broken again because of the funeral pics, seeing the raw grief and the realisation that it really was over, he's gone, but the moon, the moon healed some of my heart.

 

Thank you Jonghyun <3

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I want to say Im okay, but I dont think I am. I oscillate between numb and a really dark place. I havent really eaten in three days, and what I do eat I nearly throw up. I wish I was stronger, I want to be there for other people, I know theyre struggling just as much,probably even more so, but im just having a hard time.

 

The funeral today was really hard, seeing shinee like that was just so........soul crushing. But it was closure. The pearl aqua moon made me feel better though, It made it feel like he was finally at peace. That's the only thing really keeping me going at this point, that hes no longer in pain. That hes in a good place now.

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Crying on and off. Tried to distract myself with things that make me happy, but even then my mind constantly reminded me. The first thing I thought of when I woke up these last two days is that he's gone.

 

The pearl aqua moon also finally put me at ease, and I can finally watch his videos/listen to his music without wanting to break down. 

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Exhausted. Last Tuesday my family (husband, me, 5 kids ages 6-17) set out from Virginia to Baton Rouge, Louisiana for my husband's commencement at LSU for his masters degree. We spent 3 days there then went home the long way across the Florida panhandle, spent the night in Savannah, GA and then went to the beach in SC and then home. It was in the hotel room in Georgia early (for me) in the morning, I opened my Chromebook to check Facebook while I had wifi and the first thing I saw was the horrible news. I read the headline and slammed my computer shut. My oldest girls who are also Kpop fans immediately sensed something was wrong because I said "Oh, no!" I told them what little I had read then we spent the day sightseeing. After getting home hours later we read the rest of the reports and learned what had happened. After everyone went to bed I listened to "Breathe" and cried and cried.

 

Last year my sister's boyfriend stole a gun from my house and shot himself in my neighbor's yard while we looked for him. So when I thought about Jonghyun it wasn't just "he is dead", it was all the pain he felt, all the grief of those who loved him, all the confusion and doubt, the sorrow of his sister and mother. It is really more than I can handle right now so I try not to think about it. But I do. I lock myself in the bathroom and try to swallow the sobs. Suicide is so fucking painful because even if you knew, even if you thought there was something you should have noticed, something you could have done....you didn't. And really would it have made a difference? Some people are just too fragile for this world and in the end we must give them the freedom to make their own choices, even if it hurts. 

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each day i get a tiny bit better, but i still keep crying off and on and can't help but keep checking in for news or to see how everyone else is doing, just to find some sort of closure. i'm the sort of person who needs to be alone, but i don't want to mourn alone, as little sense as that makes. i don't want to talk to my friends about it, because i just don't think i can deal with that conversation, but at the same time i want to know that i'm not alone in how i'm feeling. sometimes i feel like i don't have the right to feel this way, because he was ultimately a stranger, and i'm someone who fangirls passively and isn't good at keeping up with interviews and variety shows and stuff. but i loved his music. i love shinee. i've always praised him for being such a thoughtful, kindhearted person. i want him back.

 

i don't know when my heart will heal, and i think being off on vacation until next month might be making it worse, because i don't really have anything to distract me through the day. i'll be okay, and then i'll start thinking about the fact that he's not here anymore, and the whole cycle begins again.

 

i admit i did watch the video of the procession and the wake. under normal circumstances i would never, ever do that, and while a part of me feels guilty, at the same time it helped to see other people go through the grieving process and see how truly loved he is. i wish i could be like other shawols and say that i've come to accept his passing, but i'm not at that point yet. i just can't. i can't really accept that he's gone yet. i start to think about the fact that he's not here anymore and i feel this tightness in my chest, almost like panic.

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I've been all over the place. There will be times where I think I'm doing okay and then I think about how the group will never physically be 5 again and I start bursting in tears. I know Jonghyun will always be there in spirit and the pearl aqua moon reminded me of that. I just don't really know when I'll fully be okay.

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this pearl aqua moon eased my soul, I don't believe in so many supernatural things but this cannot be a simple coincidence, this is jonghyun telling us he's finally up there looking at us from above, good night jonghyun, sleep well, I love you and you shall not be forgotten, you did well!

02e8e7bda7b764747d2f2e5b7a1e851d.jpg

someone in nb explain this:

 

As I’m saying, you can try it by yourself, if you have an iPhone (I don’t know other phones) and take pictures of the sun or near of it, this blue dot will appear, you can see the sun in all the pics being shared as the blue moon, it’s a reflection, I’m just saying, not trying to be salty or something, just clarifying.

https://discussions.apple.com/thread/7698529

 

sry but i just want you guys know this without disrespecting jh and his fans. rip

 

sry but i just want you guys know this without disrespecting jh and his fans. rip

i'll put it in spoiler

 

 

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the pearl aqua moon definitely lifted a lot of the pain off my heart, but ultimately i still feel very alone and i still miss him badly. if i think too much about it i cry, and since i am on break right now it's harder to distract myself. i haven't watched any of the videos yet and i'm avoiding pictures so i feel like it will be a big shock all over again when i finally do.

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I can't still believe it, I know he's gone but it doesn't feel real, right. Yesterday my internet was gone, and I'm a person that needs noise to not let herself go (this it's why I always have music on) and I wrote a letter, I wasn't thinking of doing anything, I cried a lot and had to take a bath: I thought about how he must've felt when he wrote his last letter, probably more light, free to let at of it go. I slept in a way I haven't in years, with a little headache for all the crying.

 

When I woke up, it got me again, he's gone. I started to think that it was hard to accept because it wasn't something you were prepared for: it was something that was there and wasn't given attention. It reminded of me, of people around me, people that I don't know but I value a lot; all these people could've gone tomorrow and we don't realize it.

 

It would get better, guys, be strong and all of you are amazing.

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it's been hard for me, so much more than i ever realized when i heard the news. i've been lucky enough to not have lost anyone i am close to yet (knock on wood) but god i can't imagine how i'll cope because i was a distant fan and yet my heart aches, my body aches, i can't think of him without getting sad, and while spending time with others has been the best help all my friends are leaving/have already left for the holidays so i'm just kind of going to be alone... honestly it just hit me right now how lonely the next week is going to be for me.

i cry several times a day bc i feel so much pain, for him and how he must have felt, for his sister and mother and other family, for his friends and band mates, for everyone who has ever had the pleasure of being acquainted with him because he genuinely left such a good impression on everyone. i cry for the fact that kpop, which has always been sort of an escape from my real life and own depression, is never going to be the same. i cry because i think of how much i relate to the struggle. i cry til my head hurts and then i cry more and then i sleep. it's kind of a vicious cycle.

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I get sad and start crying whenever I check the news about him but I'm fine every otherwise. Idk if I have actually accepted it though

 

I just keep worrying about those closest to him (the other 4, SNSD, exo, fx, etc). They are taking it really hard and I don't blame them

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I keep thinking about it which makes me more sad, can't seem to focus on any other things for the past few days...

 

Never been a (big) shawol but always loved their songs.

 

You worked hard Jonghyun, hope you are in a better place right now <3 

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I was ok the past few days but now that the funeral is over I feel like it’s starting to sink in..

 

I was watching some OT5 videos on insta. I was able to watch those yesterday, but suddenly just now it felt like it was so depressing. They were laughing and joking so much. But now I can’t watch it without feeling like they’ll never have that same kind of laughter and joy again. Their songs suddenly sound depressing to me. I can’t watch or listen to Exo’s videos or songs either.

 

I desperately need SHINee to be strong, for me. I want them to happy again.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using OneHallyu

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