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My goodbye to a man who deserved much more


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Honestly I debated on whether or not to write this, I truly did. I'm not someone who likes to go too emotionally into things because I prefer being emotionally constipated plus this topic is probably already so widely discussed but- 

 

When I had found out about Jonghyun it had been around 5:30 in the morning and I had woken up to finish my final paper for my art class. Today was my finals and I had woken up to news that Jonghyun had passed away. 

 

Its quite odd, to be honest, I had been shocked to a sudden silence and couldn't actually comprehend it, like I knew it happened- but my brain wasn't actually truly processing it? I was reading countless articles on it and translations about it and I was typing out my sympathies but I still wasn't just there yet.

 

I had my finals today so I couldn't actually afford to be distracted, but I still felt wrong about it? After all, Jonghyun was my first ever bias in Kpop, I had gotten sucked in by him and SHINee when they debuted with Replay and I had been so amazed by them and Jonghyun's voice. I loved him and called him "Oppa" like the Koreaboo I was when I first started. 

 

So it felt wrong that I hadn't felt nothing but numbness. 

 

When I got home I decided to re-watch their debut MV (Replay) and it was like a shock of emotions, I hadn't realized that I had been in denial until I saw Jonghyun singing on my computer screen, I remember the thought that had crossed my head in that moment "Oh...I'm not going to see this again" and I broke down in tears. 

 

I realized quickly that the reason why I was so numb is because this was the first time I lost a figure in my life that I care for immensely, no one in my family that I know personally has died and therefore this was the first time I was losing a pretty large loss. 

 

Please understand that no, I did not know Jonghyun personally- but he was my childhood, he was one of the sole reasons why I managed to escape my own deep depression back then and why I managed to find my smile again, losing him hurts. Its hurts really bad. 

 

He was such a good man- such a good person, a man who fought for Human rights and truly deserved much more in life. I will never fault him for killing himself (if this is true) as I am someone who has been through depression and knows personally how crushing it is to continue to live in this world while not loving it. I'm sure he did have a support system, but sometimes that isn't enough and thats understandable, he had suffered and now he decided to be free from it. That might be hard for some people to understand, but I am personally someone who can understand it. 

 

                     tumblr_o8vyljZ4RV1sjtil7o1_500.gif

 

 

I just wrote this to write my own goodbye to him, not to get attention or anything, but to be able to feel just a bit better because writing has always been my relief and therapy. 

 

Remember everyone, please don't remember him from how he died- remember him for how he smiled, how he laughed, how he sang and how he protected others. Remember him from how he lived and thats how we can honor him the most. 

 

Rest in peace Kim Jonghyun, you will always be missed and will always be loved. 

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