redheart 7,440 Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 I hinted at it a few times here on OH that I have a bad year Shitty things kept happening to me the main one being that I've been denied my grant, a financial aid given by the government to students. Me being denied that grant had actually no substantial ground and even though I tried to counter that decision it didn't work, I was desperately looking for job but no matter how many offers I applied for I couldn't find anything it sent me in a spiral of self loathing and depression I lost interest in my art major despite the fact that I worked my butt off to get into that school I lost interest in everything actually I would literally lock myself in my appartement and spend all my time on my computer around OH or watch some silly shows, I stop talking to my family and friends at some point and even tho I'm one of the biggest foodie out there I lost appetite I didn't feel like eating anything anymore I thought about suicide several times and I still think about it a little bit I'm not gonna lie For as long as I can remember I've been depressed, I left my parents when I was 12 and I went to live with my older sister. I've always felt this loneliness and sadness that I don't know where it comes from even if I never ever really went to see a professional I've had several severe depressive episodes when I'd stop eating, lose interest in everything and have suicidal thoughts. To be completely honest I don't know why I'm still alive, seriously why should I keep living what kind of value do I bring to this world or the people around me that justify me staying alive at all cost? once again I'm being completely honest and genuine, I think there's none. The only thing that kept me going is the thought of my friends and family constantly trying for me constantly telling me that I'm deserving and brave that they love me, that I make them happy this is the reason why I'm still here even thought I don't genially feel that way about myself So what I'm trying to say with this post is first of all be strong there's always something to hold onto second of all be there for the people around and never miss an opportunity to tell them how important they are to you. You literally never know what your friends or relatives are going through so make sure they know that they are valuable for you. finally I've seen quite a few alarming suicidal post around OH lately and I sincerely hope those users are fine now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2020superman 358 Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 · Hidden by twinky, December 18, 2017 - No reason given Hidden by twinky, December 18, 2017 - No reason given Why are you trying to take all the glory? Link to comment
xQc 52 Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 I vent about my suicidal thoughts online all the time because it's the only place I feel safe to say these things. In real life I just stay detached and quiet. But I feel like this isn't the best time for me to vent about my own problems. Look at the comment above me for example *it got deleted so nvm* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milkcafe 3,438 Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 i'm glad you have such a strong support system op. i hope things start to look up for you, and you continue to have the strength to make it through each day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redheart 7,440 Posted December 18, 2017 Author Share Posted December 18, 2017 · Hidden by twinky, December 18, 2017 - No reason given Hidden by twinky, December 18, 2017 - No reason given Why are you trying to take all the glory? I'm really sad that you think it's what I'm trying to do Link to comment
High Fructose Yoongi Syrup 7,149 Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 The only thing that kept me going is the thought of my friends and family constantly trying for me constantly telling me that I'm deserving and brave that they love me, that I make them happy same Thats why we shouldnt give up no matter how painful it can get For our love ones Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deea 6,754 Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 Stay strong OP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nation’s Pick 3,191 Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 I'm glad you have a strong support system and I hope you can start believing in their words because what they're telling you is the truth. Also you said you've never seen a professional? I think it might help if you did, at least give it a try. I hope you will overcome this op and that things will get better for you. Stay strong X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miss_sushi 2,847 Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 My family and friends saved me too. Power of love and support is so strong, no kidding. I learned to look at things from more positive point of view. I hope everyone who is suffering will find that one thing to strongly hold onto like we did. I believe in all of you like I believed in myself, and like my family believed in me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fallingslowly 960 Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 I hope you find strength in the fact that many users will probably find strength and comfort in this. It must not be easy to admit this, but you're doing a whole lot of good by doing so. As someone who has been in those kinds of depths (I owe many, many thousands of dollars in student loans and those bills have actually skyrocketed this month, just in time for the holiday season *yay*; I have lacked an immense amount of clarity in my goals and aspirations because I always felt like I was falling behind everyone else and had no hope of catching up), I can tell you that life does go on, and things do even out. I have a job with my dream company (in the arts as well!), I make more than enough money to make ends meet, and I feel like I was lying to myself about falling behind all along. To everyone: there's a certain kind of despair that comes out of deep periods of sadness that's almost inhumane, because it forces you to turn against yourself — even when the only person you have is you. Don't listen to that voice. Love yourself enough to love what you once loved as deeply as you once did. Keep fighting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PanWink Is Real 13,912 Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 Pls sis be strong! Better days will comes soon for you too just be strong pls! If you feel to talk with somebody you can always pm me... I had depression this year too but glad my sister was there for me to help me.. Remember it's not a bad life, it's just a bad day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redheart 7,440 Posted December 18, 2017 Author Share Posted December 18, 2017 Stay strong OP hahaha, thank you I'm fine really I just felt like writing this post because, I don't know I felt like putting it out there today because I never talk about it Also I felt like there are a lot of people on OH who are in the same situation but I'm fine I've grown a thick skin and I have a good support system and I'll keep going Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milkybar 869 Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 ur strong for posting this. I genuinely hope ur able to overcome it one day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
125628 3,659 Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 thank you, i needed this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heyitsmira 2,042 Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 Thank you for this post. I relate to you a lot, and honestly, if not for my sister, I wouldn't be here today. It's all fun and games on the internet, but sometimes it's the only place we can actually find the hints to what people have been going through, since the anonymous option makes people more comfortable to be honest. I hope everyone that's going through hard times hang in there, even if just a little longer. Little by little, we should try to live our lives, for as much as we can. We never know if our happiness will finally come the next day, but we can't stop believing it now. Stay safe too, redheart-nim. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liliana 7,771 Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 You’re a strong person, redheart! I’m happy to read that you’re in a good environment that help you and show you the love you deserve. I wish you all the best strength for you to overcome this one day and wish you all the happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redheart 7,440 Posted December 18, 2017 Author Share Posted December 18, 2017 I'm glad you have a strong support system and I hope you can start believing in their words because what they're telling you is the truth. Also you said you've never seen a professional? I think it might help if you did, at least give it a try. I hope you will overcome this op and that things will get better for you. Stay strong X I've actually tried once I went to the appointment but I don't know why I freaked out ran away from it, I thought that I could do without it when I was younger we never talked about mental illness in my family my sister even made fun of people who went to see professionals it's only been 4 years or so that my parent kind of started trying to check on us (me and my siblings) and made sure that we were ok I guess that's why but I'm considering going again I hope you find strength in the fact that many users will probably find strength and comfort in this. It must not be easy to admit this, but you're doing a whole lot of good by doing so. As someone who has been in those kinds of depths (I owe many, many thousands of dollars in student loans and those bills have actually skyrocketed this month, just in time for the holiday season *yay*; I have lacked an immense amount of clarity in my goals and aspirations because I always felt like I was falling behind everyone else and had no hope of catching up), I can tell you that life does go on, and things do even out. I have a job with my dream company (in the arts as well!), I make more than enough money to make ends meet, and I feel like I was lying to myself about falling behind all along. To everyone: there's a certain kind of despair that comes out of deep periods of sadness that's almost inhumane, because it forces you to turn against yourself — even when the only person you have is you. Don't listen to that voice. Love yourself enough to love what you once loved as deeply as you once did. Keep fighting. Thank you for this comment too I think one of the reasons I lost interest in art school was because I kept telling myself that I was wasting my time anyways and I would never be able to build a stable career afterwards, I'm happy for you that you managed to do it as for now I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, I got better (with my depression), I'm taking a gap year, I'm doing small jobs here and there, I'm hopping to find a real full time job and save money for next year Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fourever 3,231 Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 I can tell you're a kind, caring indiividual. Trust me, we need more people like you, not less. Please continue living. Kind people are the only reason I've made it this far. I can only smile knowing there are people out there who understand my pain, feel it and still get on with life. I feel less alone when I read posts like this. I also gain strength seeing others fight through the same illness I have. We've never spoken before but I know we share similar thoughts and emotions. Others may never fully understand what we're going through but at least we can help those who are in a similar position to us. One person at a time, I hope we can help the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ducky2322 439 Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 You are strong OP! Remember in your darkest hours that the sun must come up at some point. True failure is when you stop trying. You have a lot to offer the world, don't give up yet. And when you graduate you should tell us Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwii 2,700 Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 Being online and reading other peoples stories made me realise just how big depression and mental health issues are. There are so many people who feel like this and it makes me happy that we have platform where we can share so everyone knows they're not alone and people can reach out to each other etc I personally find it easier to talk about myself in depth to bunch of strangers online then to my family& friends. I've had a shitty few years too and pretty much gave up on life From 16-19 i was literally just a walking mess and cut every body out of my life I'm doing much better now though, I've learnt to live for the small every day things instead of big goals or waiting for happiness to come to me or whatever I live because i wanna look after my little sister, watch my favourite drama, support my faves comeback, to watch the seasons change, eat good food etc. I really like your threads btw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redheart 7,440 Posted December 21, 2017 Author Share Posted December 21, 2017 Being online and reading other peoples stories made me realise just how big depression and mental health issues are. There are so many people who feel like this and it makes me happy that we have platform where we can share so everyone knows they're not alone and people can reach out to each other etc I personally find it easier to talk about myself in depth to bunch of strangers online then to my family& friends. I've had a shitty few years too and pretty much gave up on life From 16-19 i was literally just a walking mess and cut every body out of my life I'm doing much better now though, I've learnt to live for the small every day things instead of big goals or waiting for happiness to come to me or whatever I live because i wanna look after my little sister, watch my favourite drama, support my faves comeback, to watch the seasons change, eat good food etc. I really like your threads btw Thank you for sharing your story and experiences this is the exact reason why I made this thread because sadly a lot people can relate, and I hope we can all find strength together keep pushing trough and stay strong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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