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How to deal with bf who thinks I'm cheating


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This is kinda long but please bear with me.

 

I'm a medical intern, female, I have a best friend since the first year of med school (male) who is partnered with me because our student numbers are placed next to each other. We've been covering each other's asses through all kinds of shit that med school threw us. We suffer together as some kind of unrelated siblings.

 

The thing is, my boyfriend doesn't like it. He's always been vocal about this. He is from another faculty and, yesterday, he went especially mad when he heard from his friend that sometimes we sleep together during night shifts (this is true especially when we are assigned to smaller hospitals and hectic divisions such as pediatrics - there is only one small bed for medical interns and after hours with literally no break neither of us want to sleep on the floor. It's quite common practice here).

 

I have consulted with my IRL friends but since they are also medical interns, but they dismiss my boyfriend as possessive and unreasonable and even told me to break up with him if he doesn't understand our situations at the hospital. I know they think this way because medical school has really desentisized all of us - we share clothes, use our groupmates' bodies of opposite genders for practicing physical examinations for OSCE, change in the same room, all that jazz.

 

But I don't want to break up with my boyfriend - I like him a lot, I really do, we rarely see each other because of our conflicting schedules and I think it upsets him to see me spending so many hours with someone else. I've tried talking to him multiple times that me and my bff are just friends and hospital partners, but he always retaliates by saying "what would you say if I sleep in my interning office with my female colleague" and I said that it's not the same thing, but he thinks I'm always defending my friend and is thinking I like him, and now he won't talk to me.

 

I honestly don't know what to do... I'd really appreciate if you can share your thoughts and suggestions from a neutral, outsiders' perspective. Thank you in advance D:

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I would ask "Do you not trust me?". Because this sounds like trust issues reflecting on your relationship. You've already explained the sitch to him. If he's refusing to make an effort to understand and keeps deflecting...maybe it's best to let that go.

 

I'd say at least give it one final go, even bring your guy friend and others along with them, but seriously..if he's not even making an effort to listen...nah. That's not something you want forever. 

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I would ask "Do you not trust me?". Because this sounds like trust issues reflecting on your relationship. You've already explained the sitch to him. If he's refusing to make an effort to understand and keeps deflecting...maybe it's best to let that go.

 

I'd say at least give it one final go, even bring your guy friend and others along with them, but seriously..if he's not even making an effort tot listen...nah. That's not something you want forever. 

 

pretty much said it all

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Honestly, both your situation and his insecurity are understandable ; you can't really do anything about spending so much time with your partner and sleeping with him etc, and it'll be difficult for your bf to not feel jealousy because of it. 

 

You said you really like your bf and don't want to break up. Have any solutions come up ? Have you asked him if he had thought up any solution ? Or told him exactly what you told us ?

 

Sorry, I'm not being of much help rn but I lack a bit of info of your relationship with your bf, what kind of guy he is, your circumstance, and mostly what you told him and how those discussions went. Because it could go either way : he is too possessive or he misunderstands because you defend bff or something.

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I would advise you to not bring your BFF to meet with your boyfriend just because there is a probability that your boyfriend could see that as the two of you teaming up against him. You don't want to create any more misunderstandings.

 

You gotta have a conversation with him and find out exactly why he is reacting the way he is. Is he misunderstanding the situation about you and your BFF sleeping on the same bed? Did he imagine that there was some kind of intimacy/physical contact while you guys were on that bed that didn't happen? Make sure you clarify the situation with him on what happened to make sure he's not making any assumptions. Secondly, you have to ask him questions on why he feels the way he does. Why does he feel insecure? Is it just because you aren't spending enough time together? Is it another issue that you don't notice that he does? Get to the root of his issue in your relationship. What underlying issues do you guys have? Remember that during your discussions, don't sound accusatory. Start with something like "I feel that you..." and ask him questions to find out about more about how he feels. 

 

If the discussion goes nowhere after you've reached out to understand him, and he still refuses to listen to you or understand you, then it's not a healthy relationship to begin with. Communication and trust are foundations for healthy relationships, and if he can't talk it through with you to try to reach an understanding with each other, then it's best to break up. 

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Is he cute?

If not, It's not worth it, Ugly guys are the most insecure they'll keep bugging and clingin on to you

 

I do think he's very very cute even though my friends say I'm hella biased (I think it'd be weird for me not to be biased tho laugh.png

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I have some friends who are in med schools and I think your bf does sound a bit unreasonable. Does he want you to sleep on the floor then?

 

I get what you're saying, even though I believe it's not his intention to imply that... My BFF has offered to sleep in the pharmacy waiting room chairs once before, because of this issue, but he ended up fucking his back. unsure.png I have yet to mention this to my boyfriend tho, I'm afraid he's in no calm state of mind and think of this as me talking about my BFF yet again. I hope a good opportunity would arise...

 

Thank you for replying btw!

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My ex boyfriend did that same thing you're doing and after some time i found out he cheated on me with that girl (they are also med students lol) 

 

Oh no I'm sorry it was really shitty of him amgplz.png I hope you have found someone much better as you deserve to!

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Maybe ask some of your friends to explain to him how the situation is?Hearing the truth from multiple sources might help him understand it better.

But I really don't like that He doesn't want to listen to you.

 

Ahh, that sounds like a good idea, I haven't tried this yet! Thank you very much for the suggestion rlytearpls.png  Someone in the other post made a very good point about not making him felt ganged up so I will find a way for some of our friends to bring this up to him as naturally as possible.

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I would ask "Do you not trust me?". Because this sounds like trust issues reflecting on your relationship. You've already explained the sitch to him. If he's refusing to make an effort to understand and keeps deflecting...maybe it's best to let that go.

 

I'd say at least give it one final go, even bring your guy friend and others along with them, but seriously..if he's not even making an effort to listen...nah. That's not something you want forever. 

 

I can honestly see your point and some part in my mind always tells me so... I've always seen that he's perennially in an unfavorable mood because he kinda hates my schedule and shifts and always says he wants to spend more time with me, so I had always lowkey hoped that it was just his mood that made him more stubborn and that's not his real personality.... 

 

I've always wanted to ask the question because naturally I want him to trust me, and am thinking of ways to make it not sound accusatory (I watched too many dramas smh..) and I'm gonna try once more by doing the suggestions yall have given me in the replies. I hope that'll be the last time I brace myself up and try confronting him for this particular issue - for better or for worse. I am deeply praying for the former. rlytearpls.png Thank you so much! 

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Honestly, both your situation and his insecurity are understandable ; you can't really do anything about spending so much time with your partner and sleeping with him etc, and it'll be difficult for your bf to not feel jealousy because of it. 

 

You said you really like your bf and don't want to break up. Have any solutions come up ? Have you asked him if he had thought up any solution ? Or told him exactly what you told us ?

 

Sorry, I'm not being of much help rn but I lack a bit of info of your relationship with your bf, what kind of guy he is, your circumstance, and mostly what you told him and how those discussions went. Because it could go either way : he is too possessive or he misunderstands because you defend bff or something.

 

Thank you for sharing your take on this! I have tried asking him if he had any solutions yes, he came up with some like asking either one of us to sleep somewhere else... He did once, in the pharmacy waiting room chairs, but he hurt his back afterwards. My bf also asked me to allocate more time to spend with him (and I understand this), but with my schedule/assignments and my shift, the only time I can cut off is my alone time (I need to recharge after being with someone else) or my sleep... and as selfish as it sounds, I don't want to because I really need both... warstarplz.png I already cut off my study time in weekends to go on mini-dates with him, and to compensate I take more assignments during workhours so the department can give me more credit points.

 

Some of the replies in here seem like good ideas and I'm gonna try those, I really hope those could be/lead up to solutions. Thank you again!

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I mean, what else is there you can do? You chose him for a reason. You're with him, not your best friend, and he should trust that it's because of love.

 

This is true warstarplz.png  I'm considering writing this on post-it notes and sneak my notebook full of them into his bag. Thank you~

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Hmm. that's not cute. Jealousy/insecurity isn't a good look on anyone. You should tell him to trust you and if he doesn't then you prob shouldnt be with him anyway.

 

I'll tell him! God, idk why but after reading some of your replies and self-introspection I realize I might have been too passive with him... Thank you sis

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I would advise you to not bring your BFF to meet with your boyfriend just because there is a probability that your boyfriend could see that as the two of you teaming up against him. You don't want to create any more misunderstandings.

 

You gotta have a conversation with him and find out exactly why he is reacting the way he is. Is he misunderstanding the situation about you and your BFF sleeping on the same bed? Did he imagine that there was some kind of intimacy/physical contact while you guys were on that bed that didn't happen? Make sure you clarify the situation with him on what happened to make sure he's not making any assumptions. Secondly, you have to ask him questions on why he feels the way he does. Why does he feel insecure? Is it just because you aren't spending enough time together? Is it another issue that you don't notice that he does? Get to the root of his issue in your relationship. What underlying issues do you guys have? Remember that during your discussions, don't sound accusatory. Start with something like "I feel that you..." and ask him questions to find out about more about how he feels. 

 

If the discussion goes nowhere after you've reached out to understand him, and he still refuses to listen to you or understand you, then it's not a healthy relationship to begin with. Communication and trust are foundations for healthy relationships, and if he can't talk it through with you to try to reach an understanding with each other, then it's best to break up. 

 

Omg, is it bad that I feel really touched right now because coincidentally I saw that this is your first post ever in here? Welcome rlytearpls.png  And thank you so much for all your thoughts! Damn, yeah, that makes sense, to be really honest I have considered bringing my BFF to make it clear that we're being open and transparent and there's nothing between us... But you have a valid point, that might be a good idea. I wasn't considering his feelings.

 

To be honest, the discussions on this issue mainly have been onesided (for his part) because I treasure what little time we have together and I kinda didn't want to bring this up whenever we meet because it always upsets him and sours the mood of our dates, unless he brings this up, but even then usually I don't speak much except trying to listen to him because I try to understand being in his shoes, because he has no idea how is it for desensitized interns like us... But now I realize my passive attitude had been half of the problem too. ohdearplz.png Thank you for your suggestions, I'm really planning to have a long heart to heart talk with him soon!

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I can honestly see your point and some part in my mind always tells me so... I've always seen that he's perennially in an unfavorable mood because he kinda hates my schedule and shifts and always says he wants to spend more time with me, so I had always lowkey hoped that it was just his mood that made him more stubborn and that's not his real personality.... 

 

I've always wanted to ask the question because naturally I want him to trust me, and am thinking of ways to make it not sound accusatory (I watched too many dramas smh..) and I'm gonna try once more by doing the suggestions yall have given me in the replies. I hope that'll be the last time I brace myself up and try confronting him for this particular issue - for better or for worse. I am deeply praying for the former. rlytearpls.png Thank you so much! 

 

You need to ask yourself if you're willing to put up with this in the long term. If he's constantly like that, then it is his real personality and this is how he will act every time he's upset with you. You shouldn't have to put up with something like this, you deserve someone who will be understanding of your circumstances, who you can easily communicate with, and most importantly someone who trusts you. You already have to deal with so much as a medical intern, you shouldn't have to deal with his attitude on top of all that

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