How to not be affected by my mother's insult/verbal abuse?

[vocabulary]

My mother is very cruel with her words. Her insults are very degrading. Because it's my mother, I'll feel hurt and the pain usually lasts for quite long. I hate myself for being affected but I can't help it. It's national exam period but I can't study because I weep over things like this. She keeps putting me down. There was once I missed a day of school after she kept screaming at me. It wasn't so much the shouting but I was very triggered and scared because she used to hit me a lot whenever she was angry so I was afraid I was going to get beaten again. I got very scared because I kept thinking of the times she hit me or humiliated me in public etc. I really want to get into a top tier university. My grades are quite bad now. I can't even study because I get so emotionally affected.

 

Really hope for some advice. I want to do well. Only when I get high enough grades and get into a good enough university can I leave this place. I'm very afraid I can't do well when I know I could have without these issues. I'm very scared. I do not dare to tell my friends. I feel like I'll annoy my online friends or I'll trouble them. And many of the "real life friends" I have, I don't trust enough. Thank you, OH. Sorry for the negativity.

 

I'll update if need be

 

My mum isn't really pushing my grades. She doesn't care enough, she looks down on me. I was a bad student who didn't study too. It's only recently that I realize studying hard is the only way I can get away from my mum hence I'm so bent on doing it. I've wasted the past years of my life on many things, even dropped out of school for a while and got some jobs. I never took school seriously because I was already too emotionally distraught but now I want to change it. But it's really hard when my mood is so easily affected by someone I live with.

 

Tldr:

the previous years were a lot worse. The problem now is whenever she insults me I can't help but recall the past and end up crying for hours and being sad for days because the past was really a nightmare. But, for once in my life, I'm starting to value my grades because I realize it can help me escape my mother. It's hard to study when this always happens.

[PurachinaDisuko]

I know this sounds tough, but you need to talk to a school counselor or something. 

Please get some help, you don't need to live with someone who's clearly unstable :(

 

 

For the words: It's not your fault. If she's screaming at you then...something's wrong in her mind. She can't see you for the beautiful person you are. 

[ByulHarangBona]

Try to block out her words. Remember you are living your own life, not her. And if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to send me a PM even though I might take a long time to reply some time.

 

Cheer up. You are a lovely person! ^_^

[Sharekoube]

ah damn.. feels bad man.

 

i am lost rn so idk if i can give advice, but hopefully one day you can find someone thatt love you <3

[Teru]

it's not on you to try and magically make yourself impervious to her words. you're not at fault for being hurt by things that are hurtful, you're just human. more than that, you're a child who shouldn't be taken advantage of emotionally by an adult who is supposed to be your protector and nurturer

 

I agree with the above poster who suggests you find a school counsellor to talk to if you're afraid to talk to your mother directly. if your school has anything like this please find them. even if your school has a careers counsellor, ask to speak to them about what's happening and your concerns about it affecting your academic career. you're not "annoying" or bothering them by doing this, it's their job to help people like you.

 

telling someone about it is not putting a burden on anyone or showing weakness, nobody should have to put up with constant verbal and physical abuse, especially when you've done nothing wrong. your mother is at fault here, not you. she clearly has issues that require intervention and you will heave to appeal to other people to help you do that so that you can lead a happier life. best of luck

[rukish]

I have been through the same just try to distract yourself and forget about her just think about the good things.Go outside with your friends and laugh a lot even if you are not happy,fake it till you make it.

[♥ jae's bae ♥]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I had to go through a similar situation. I'd talk to someone in confidence about it and ask what would be the best course of action. And if you really don't want to do that, I'd say try and avoid her as much as possible...to avoid conflicts. You could also try to see her in your mind as not your mother but rather a spoilt child who is whining at you for attention. If you see her in your mind like this, you kind of take away the perception of authority she has over you (just in your mind though).

This stress as you said is affecting you negatively, but you have to realise you're so much more than your grades, and even though it might not be what you want to hear- it's not the end of the world if you don't get into the top tier university.But for combatting the stress your mother is causing at the moment, you could study more at the library or at a cafe with friends as opposed to home, go on walks, do exercise or practice mindfulness meditation or yoga in your spare time. So that you're releasing your stress and that your spare time away from studying is filled with calm activities other than worrying about the negativity from your mother. Your mum will hopefully one day regret the way she acted, I hope because she is at fault- but not all verbally abusive parents do. But by then she should know that she pushed you too hard emotionally- it happened with my mum. Good luck and I hope you find happiness 

[Waves in the sand~~]

Don't feel guilty, don't hate yourself for feeling like that because it's normal to feels those things when someone treats you that way. Don't be afraid to tell your problems to your friends, even if you do not have enough confidence. Try to tell them, maybe at least you'll feel a little more relieved when you tell your problems face-to-face with someone.

I don't know exactly what's the environment you live in, how old are you, if you have more family that can help you, but from what I see, it's probably that you need professional help. Say all of this to the counselor or psychologist in your school.

[nicophos]

hey there. im in the same place. 
my mother yells at me and i dont fight back because i know its wrong. i cant control my temper as well, i know when i get mad i get mad. so i dont fight back because im afraid, she is my mother after all. 
she yells at me but when talking to my younger bro, her voice is calm. what my brother's fault is, is my fault. 
when she starts yelling,  i turn into numb mode... i became a monotone. she would still yell but i dont show it, as from experience crying would make her yell more. 

i wish to leave asap but i cant because i havent finished school (already 2 colleges, 6+ years). (no, her yelling started way before college- which is one reason why i got delayed, i just shut down after i go numb mode, i dont go to school or anywhere, i just sleep)

but so far, what helps for a little while is my thinking about the next chapter of my fanfiction (i write naruto fanfics) and also me daydreaming about things i wished i have. 

I know my method is unhealthy... but im far from healthy. 



 

[�:EPIPHANY]

Maybe you can try to study outside, where you are unbothered by your mother.

Set big goals for yourself such as getting scholarships, getting into a specific university. Try to control your emotions and make yourself as still as a rock if she throws insults, only think about how to better yourself and don't let any of her comments get to you. Don't even talk back to her and just put your energy and time into studying.

The best way to escape is through burying your head into books and studying through the nights, be selfish and only think about how to get good grades, don't care about anyone else, not even a single ant. This period can either make or break you, get your ass to studying right now, get your ass to university and do so well in life that she can never make another insult again. 

[Chic Chick]

There is no way to be unaffected. Trust me, I've tried. Cuts deep, even when you convince yourself that she has no power over you. Just get a job and get out.

[Suzy Quatro]

That's a pretty bad environment and it sound like your mother has some issues herself and needs to see a therapist or something. I've never been in a situation like that and the only think I can think about would be to stay away from your mom as much as possible, like do your homework and study in the library and things like that.

 

I don't how old are you but I imagine by now you should be able to defend yourself if your mother tries to hit you, if that's the case then there's nothing to be afraid about but if you want more confidence take some self defense lessons or something like that. I'm not saying you need to beat your mother but knowing she can't hit you anymore should make feel less scared of her. At times is better to not reply back in order to not make someone more angry, if you're not interested in arguing, but as you're older now I think you need to defend yourself more and maybe talk with your mother about how it's not fair she keeps insulting you. If you don't feel confident telling your friends talk with some relatives that can help you.

[Oli London]

Cut her out of your life.

[nicophos]

Cut her out of your life.

a bit sad but this is a healthy option. 

[TickleMePink]

Cut her out of your life.

 

Sometimes this really is the best option if she's hurting you that much

[Kezini]

Become rich, give her lots of money and then never talk to her again.