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Can you read my fanfic and tell me what's wrong with it?


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I just want someone to review it and tell me what they like and don't like it. Please read the tags too.

I really like the idea of this fic and the internal conflict but I'm curious as to whether it was executed well. Any and all responses are welcome

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First of all, editing. Please separate the different paragraphs or groups of action. I didn't read it because it isn't people I'm interested in and the crowded words made me back out as well.

 

I wrote it on my phone so that's why the words are crowded together like that
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Agreed on the spacing. I'd immediately be turned off from reading anything that's not properly spaced. Also a couple of grammar/spelling errors that could be easily fixed with proofreading.

 

In terms of plot, idk, it's a bit blatant maybe? Like childhood trauma CAN be well interwoven, but I think the blatancy of just a straight-up flashback doesn't leave much for readers to question. And since they just started the fic, there's not that much emotional investment to make it effective, either.

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Just do it here. Idc if it might 'sting' that's the only thing that will help me improve

 

 

English isn't your first language, right? Or maybe you're a young writer? Either way, it shows.

 

The story is very short. It's not enough to feel something from the story. I'm just like, oh, that's tragic. And then I move on.

 

Your writing is descriptive and promising. But you switch from past tense verbs to present tense, then back to past tense. It really interrupts the flow of the story.

 

I don't know if you want to go into that much detail about the sex abuse. I think you can write it in a way where the readers know the character was abused, but not be so graphic about it.

 

Personally, I don't think the story is believable and it leaves me with many questions. First of all, the main character reliving the trauma every week, triggered by just his members drinking to have fun. That's a little much. Everyone can be triggered and remember their past trauma, but remembering trauma on a weekly schedule?

 

Also being a non-drinker doesn't suit the character, especially if you're going to write him with his group members as if it were real life. It would be more believable if you wrote the story as if it happened in an alternate world or a parallel world where the character exists, but does not exist as X member of X group.

 

Do the other members know about the character's past trauma? If so, like you implied, that's a really shitty thing for them to do. Why didn't the character tell them they trigger him? But then again, I remembered you wrote they didn't consider how he felt, so he must have told them. Because he has to tell them or show them somehow for them to even consider his feelings.

 

That's pretty much it.

 

 

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English isn't your first language, right? Or maybe you're a young writer? Either way, it shows.

 

The story is very short. It's not enough to feel something from the story. I'm just like, oh, that's tragic. And then I move on.

 

Your writing is descriptive and promising. But you switch from past tense verbs to present tense, then back to past tense. It really interrupts the flow of the story.

 

I don't know if you want to go into that much detail about the sex abuse. I think you can write it in a way where the readers know the character was abused, but not be so graphic about it.

 

Personally, I don't think the story is believable and it leaves me with many questions. First of all, the main character reliving the trauma every week, triggered by just his members drinking to have fun. That's a little much. Everyone can be triggered and remember their past trauma, but remembering trauma on a weekly schedule?

 

Also being a non-drinker doesn't suit the character, especially if you're going to write him with his group members as if it were real life. It would be more believable if you wrote the story as if it happened in an alternate world or a parallel world where the character exists, but does not exist as X member of X group.

 

Do the other members know about the character's past trauma? If so, like you implied, that's a really shitty thing for them to do. Why didn't the character tell them they trigger him? But then again, I remembered you wrote they didn't consider how he felt, so he must have told them. Because he has to tell them or show them somehow for them to even consider his feelings.

 

That's pretty much it.

 

 

Thanks for the review. I wrote a reply to yours under my spoiler btw

 

 

I am a young writer, I'm kind of sad that it's so obvious lol.

The one thing that made me not want to post the story was how short it was. I hate to ask you for this but how do you think I could make it longer? By adding more background of like events leading up to it, like flashbacks and stuff?

 

Thank you for saying that is was descriptive and promising. I'm glad you found something positive about it. The reason why I kept switching between past and present tense was because I wanted to do a sort of flashback kind of thing but I guess that effect was not achieved given from your criticism, haha.

 

Oh, i didn't know that being so graphic about what happened was a bad thing.

 

So about your comment on how the character [Yoongi] being a non drinker wasn't very believable, I would like your opinion on a change I want to make. Do you, personally, think the story would work better and make more sense for the character to be replaced my jungkook or taehyung?

 

I wrote it with them ignoring him so there would be something to pick up with in the sequel.

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using OneHallyu mobile app

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Thanks for the review. I wrote a reply to yours under my spoiler btw

 

 

I am a young writer, I'm kind of sad that it's so obvious lol.

The one thing that made me not want to post the story was how short it was. I hate to ask you for this but how do you think I could make it longer? By adding more background of like events leading up to it, like flashbacks and stuff?

 

Thank you for saying that is was descriptive and promising. I'm glad you found something positive about it. The reason why I kept switching between past and present tense was because I wanted to do a sort of flashback kind of thing but I guess that effect was not achieved given from your criticism, haha.

 

Oh, i didn't know that being so graphic about what happened was a bad thing.

 

So about your comment on how the character [Yoongi] being a non drinker wasn't very believable, I would like your opinion on a change I want to make. Do you, personally, think the story would work better and make more sense for the character to be replaced my jungkook or taehyung?

 

I wrote it with them ignoring him so there would be something to pick up with in the sequel.

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using OneHallyu mobile app

 

 

Being a young writer is not necessarily a bad thing. It shoes you're still learning and it let's the readers know what to expect. It's not sad.

 

First of all, I'm not sure what the plot of your story is. If there is no plot, there is no story. I can summarize your story in like one sentence. Yoongi was molested as a child and he resents his members for not caring how he feels. So figure out your plot first, because you have little to write about now. It needs more conflict. Write about the conflict between Yoongi and the members. And yeah, you can elaborate on why yoongi feels the way he feels about himself and the members' actions.

 

What is going to confuse your readers about switching from past to present tense is because you write in past tense first. Then switch to present tense. You should write in present tense first, then in past tense for the flashbacks because the flashbacks happened in the past. Not the other way around. You get what I'm saying?

 

And sure, I guess it would make it more believable to write the main character as a younger member or a member that doesn't drink. But you don't have to write their personalities as they are or even write them in their group. You can do anything.

 

 

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