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How do you make friends? (though I guess more rather, how does one get past social anxiety?)


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Do you have a specific approach to people or smth?

Do you struggle to make friends? Or is it easy?

 

Excuse to why I ask this:

 

Because rn I just started my lacrosse season and I already feel miserable and I need help man

 

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So, I got into the varsity team as a sophomore and I play goalie (this is high school if that helps). I've been playing for four years and counting so I grew to really like the sport a lot.

 

The problem is team bonding and culture and all that shit.

 

To start, the lacrosse crowd is not my general crowd. When I consider what my general crowd is, it's typically the hipsters, the nerds of any fandom, the theater geeks, the socially-anxious and/or introverted intellectuals (like me except much less gifted), the LGBT+ liberalists, etc. etc. The sports team crowd is full of extremely extroverted and/or popular people that have vastly different interests and they've all known each other for years already, so I'm pretty much the lone wolf while everyone else is so close they don't even need that much team bonding. (They're all the really nice ones though, just super duper cliquey) Typically, I have no friends whenever I'm on a team, and this year, my only friend that tried out got into Junior Varsity instead so we're separate most of the time. If I'm around anyone I'm not even remotely close with, then I get super shy. More than that actually, my social anxiety acts up.

 

Also, I'm way too soft + I've had social struggles and anxiety for essentially my entire life + I'm super duper shy so that pretty much makes for a not ideal experience in a sports team.

 

 

 

And yeah, I've struggled to make friends, and it's only been a little over a week and I feel absolutely terrible.

 

I always feel like everyone hates me, or finds me too cold or awkward. 

And fine, I'm quiet, but that's because I've never felt welcome enough to be loud like I usually am when I'm enthusiastic.

 

Whenever someone tries to talk to me, I honestly just freeze. My brain kind of just stops working and I never know how to reply so either I come out with something no one is interested in or something that they don't (or that I think they don't) like. Even if it's actually fine, my brain's accustomed to thinking that everyone hates me until otherwise stated, that everything I do infront of people is wrong, and I just worry way too much and I can't do anything. Even when I want to act normal, I feel like I need to run.

 

There's a 60% chance that I'll break down when someone finally tries to talk to me, because I get scared that I'm going to act dumb infront of them. And if I try to talk to them then that percentage gets higher. So I always wind up making my replies fast, and if I want to say something funny, I'll say it quietly and then it just trails down and no one hears it even if I wanted them to. At this point, no one's interested in me at all I think. Otherwise they would be talking to me and including me in conversations more.

 

And the senior goalie I train with (I'm her backup) is the star of the show pretty much, and while she gets all the praise for her work, I don't get anything at all. Not even a good job from most coaches (but one who is absolutely lovely) a lot of the time. I know I'm a backup, but when you're only criticized and not praised it feels ostracizing and terrible

 

Even worse, none of these people are new to me at all (fun fact: I played in Freshman, JV level, and Varsity level all in one season last year so I worked with literally everyone) and I still feel like I'm going to get nervous breakdowns and start crying on the field mid-game. Can't even make my calls to players a lot of the time because I worry that I'll get their name wrong, or I'll make a wrong call and they'll get mad at me for it. Or they'll judge me for being loud for once when I'm always the "quiet nerd".

 

 

 

TL;DR: No one ever talks to me; I can't talk to them without feeling like a nervous, ready-to-cry wreck, and it's a huge problem.

 

I know that it might be a bit too early to say all of this so early in my sports season, but this pattern has been going on my whole lacrosse career and I need change. I would absolutely hate to drop the only sport I play, especially when I love playing it, but if this is how it's gonna be for the whole season then I'm quitting next year.

 

 I don't expect to be "goody-goody" with any of them (especially with the seniors on the team), but I wish that I could get the fuck over this and actually get some kind of bond going on where I can actually feel comfortable on the team. I want to get to this level but my mind isn't letting me unsure.png

 

My brother says that this is all in my head, which kind of is, but at the same time he doesn't seem to understand my breakdowns over this and how I ' v e  b e e n  s u f f e r i n g  w i t h  t h i s  k i n d  o f  t h i n g  m y  w h o l e  l i f e.

 

Seriously guys I'm at my wit's end what do I do

 

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i honestly have the same problem as you and i never approach someone unless they approach me first.

 

i dont know how to help you sorry dsjfgjf but i hope it'll get better soon <3

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i honestly have the same problem as you and i never approach someone unless they approach me first.

 

i dont know how to help you sorry dsjfgjf but i hope it'll get better soon <3

 

tbh if we both have the same exact struggle then I understand rlytearpls.png 

I physically just can't make the first move man, it makes me way too nervous

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I suggest you to read this book to help you overcome your social anxiety. 

https://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Shyness-Social-Phobia-Step/dp/0765701200

 

I have social anxiety too and i think this book is pretty good to change your way of thinking. I still have anxiety but it helps me to be less anxious & not overthinking too much. + be more realistic

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tbh if we both have the same exact struggle then I understand rlytearpls.png 

I physically just can't make the first move man, it makes me way too nervous

 

same whenever i try to all i think abt is that if they hate me or not or think that im weird

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:( this used to be me, I feel ya

 

I honestly don't know how I got myself to make my personality become more open, but I did. 

 

I'm not gonna go too into detail about what I do differently now, but in general I just... give less of a shit about social situations. Or at least I seem like I do? And the funny thing is, people actually like that. 

 

I was kind of like you during track last year, but this year I've been able to talk to way more people, and some of them actually kinda disliked me back then. What I do now in track is basically take every opportunity I have to communicate with new people (don't come off as desperate though). No matter if the conversation is seconds long or hours, those small things build up. Small things like "good job!" during runs, or mentioning something track-related in passing, those all help. Even if those people won't view you as a "friend," exactly, they'll still be fine with, or even enjoy, talking to you. 

 

And if you feel like you can't do conversation, you just gotta put yourself out there and practice. Remember, just take baby steps. You'll get there eventually. 

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:( this used to be me, I feel ya

 

I honestly don't know how I got myself to make my personality become more open, but I did. 

 

I'm not gonna go too into detail about what I do differently now, but in general I just... give less of a shit about social situations. Or at least I seem like I do? And the funny thing is, people actually like that. 

 

I was kind of like you during track last year, but this year I've been able to talk to way more people, and some of them actually kinda disliked me back then. What I do now in track is basically take every opportunity I have to communicate with new people (don't come off as desperate though). No matter if the conversation is seconds long or hours, those small things build up. Small things like "good job!" during runs, or mentioning something track-related in passing, those all help. Even if those people won't view you as a "friend," exactly, they'll still be fine with, or even enjoy, talking to you. 

 

And if you feel like you can't do conversation, you just gotta put yourself out there and practice. Remember, just take baby steps. You'll get there eventually. 

 

But how do you start a conversation and what do you even talk about?

 

I'm so unrelatable to everyone else so it's hard (My personality when I'm not nervous is exactly like them just instead of talking about parties and boys, I speak of the arts and the random butterflies that fly around our field (oh, and K-Pop and all my geekier stuff when I'm around my general group of friends))

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But how do you start a conversation and what do you even talk about?

 

I'm so unrelatable to everyone else so it's hard (My personality when I'm not nervous is exactly like them just instead of talking about parties and boys, I speak of the arts and the random butterflies that fly around our field (oh, and K-Pop and all my geekier stuff when I'm around my general group of friends))

 

yeah, that's a tough one 

 

I do sometimes run out of things to talk about with certain people, and for no real reason. In that case, I just end the conversation and go off and do something else, but it's not like I will never talk to them again. I'd say ending a conversation is honestly trickier than starting one? Idk, I just spout some random ass shit when I want to talk to someone and it usually goes ok 

 

About being relatable - you don't really need to be. All you really need to do is to get used to talking to people, and they'll get used to you too. Then you can maybe have meaningful conversations. But for now, these girls on your lacrosse team don't really have to be friends yet, they can just be acquaintances. If a friendship really happens, that's great. But don't beat yourself up for not being able to be in that clique. I would consider the friendships you already have to be more valuable. 

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Social skills, just like any other skill can be trained with a lot of practice. Your issue is that you think people hate you or dislike you before they've even had the chance to really talk to you. You're bringing your self esteem down and underestimating yourself. You're also thinking way too difficult and way too deep about certain things. 

 

Imagine talking to a sibling or to your mom w/e, anyone you've known for a long time and are comfortable talking with. You'll see that you have no difficulty in talking to them, because it comes naturally. But when you talk to strangers or people you don't know that well, you freeze up. That's because you're seeing them as two separate things, when really, there shouldn't be that much of a difference.

 

They're people like you, and they themselves might be nervous to talk to you as well. I know it sounds cliche, but being yourself and not caring about what other people think of you is what people tend to be attracted to. If you stop placing so much value and pressure on conversations with 'strangers' the nervous aspect of it will become a lot less. 

 

I used to have problems with this as well. But challenge yourself. Put yourself in the situation where you approach someone. You'll have an idea of what you're gonna say so you won't be caught in a brainfart. You'll also learn to get better at handling uncomfortable situations. Really practice it, do it as much as possible, not just to the same people but to someone you might not even know. 

 

For example, if you see someone's bag is open, tell them. If their shoelaces have become untied, tell them. If they dropped something, pick it up and give it to them. If they're looking for something, ask them what they're looking for. If they can't reach something try to help them, or if u cant reach it yourself make a short people joke or smth. In all of these situations you can say something to the people as well. It's not necessarily the length of the conversation, but the fact that you're approaching people, and getting more well known with interacting with people.

 

And as a final tip. If people don't like you, that's their loss. If the conversation didn't end the way you wanted or ended up with them disliking you or w/e, that doesn't matter. It's not your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself for things like that. New people will come around. If u make a bad joke, that's that. Leave it there and move on. We all go through awkward situations, no one can escape from that. It's how you deal with them that really matters.

 

Lol sorry for the essay.

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What the fuck girl?!!! I'm literally feeling too stressed after reading all of this. amgplz.png

 

I don't even know how you have made up to this point where you're supposed to be already an experienced player but you sound like a ball of nerves that is going to have a breakdown at any time very soon. This doesn't sound good at all but the good thing is that most of it is just bullshit you make up on your mind, so it's a good thing as the problem doesn't lie in everyone else but in you so you do have control and a way to change this.

 

First of all I don't know what the fuck you're doing in a lacrosse team and what exactly do you enjoy about it and how you made up into the team. I assume you should be good and competent in the field despite your astonishing amount of nervousness and insecurity. Also practicing sports should be something that relieves you stress, not the other way around, and it also should give you confidence.

 

I was more or less like you in high school as I was more of an introverted person and my social circle weren't the sport or popular types. Still I joined the swimming team in high school as I was somewhat decent and had been swimming since I was a kid (although never in a competitive environment). I did play other sports with my friends but in the swimming team I only knew a girl (the one that convinced me to join) and she eventually dropped the team lol. I never had confidence issues but I never felt a bond with most of the guys and girls but they weren't bad with me or anything and only got really nervous when we had a competition. I just tried to go along with them and focusing on swimming getting better as an individual. It kind of got boring once the girl invited me drop out but on the other side it was also nice to compete and win some medals and I did make a couple of friends eventually. So all in all it was a nice experience and you need to learn to get along with different types of people.

 

So despite feeling you haven't much in common with them you have lacrosse and all the time you train together so that should count a lot. I think eventually they will approach to you or at least get used to you and at the same time you should be feeling more comfortable with them. You need to understand people can make mistakes and say/do dumb shit every now and then, nobody's perfect and you are surely meant to fuck up at one point and you need to accept this and be willing to fuck up in order to stop worrying about it. You can also be best friends with anyone but if you don't let anyone know you you won't make friends, as the only people who never make mistakes are the ones who never try. I don't know what's going with your life but you need to loosen up and be more confident about yourself and think of your teammates as equals.

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i honestly have the same problem as you and i never approach someone unless they approach me first.

 

i dont know how to help you sorry dsjfgjf but i hope it'll get better soon <3

 

Why is this me? I never had a friend up until I was 13 because there was never someone who understood me. We've been friends for 2 years now and I guess our main reasons is that we're both socially introverted people. And since everyone else was super extrovert, we just kind of migrated to each other. We became instant friends though after I found out she loved reading books and animes like I did.

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I understand how you feel 

 

I think that breaking out of your comfort zone and doing things you don't normally do is the best way to at least help your social anxiety

It sucks to do at first, but it may help over time

 

Everyone is different though, so my advice may suck 

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I had this struggle for a bit!

Honestly enrich yourself first. Watch some interesting shows, listen to some good music, read some books. Pick up a new sport, take an art class, go hiking, learn an instrument. We makes friends through hobbies, interests, and similarities. That's also how we make conversation with strangers/new friends. Find a passion and meet people through it! Good luck:)

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using OneHallyu mobile app

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