Any thoughts?

[Aeolian]

So, basically, everytime I'm thinking, and that's pretty much what I do all day, about life or my friendships/interactions with other ppl, I'll always find the same answer "just kill yourself already".

 

Well, no worries I don't have any real intention of doing it as long as my mother is alive (it'd break her), so there's no need to convince me not to...

 

I'm just wondering how can I kick everybody out of my life without hurting them. The thing is that I care way too much, I always put others needs in front of my own.

 

As an example, there is this dude, he comes to my house really often (I avoid it as much as I can, but I just can't say "no") and he says that I'm his best friend here and that we understand each other well. But, you see, to me he is just someone that I know, didn't even fit my concept for "friend". He comes to my house, I feed him, I let he play my videogame and I listen when he wants to talk. I'm a friend to him. However, he interrupts me every goddamn time I want to speak. It's unpleasant and annoying. How come this dude consider me as a friend if he's not willing to freaking listen to me?

 

So that's pretty much the case with everyone I know/knew throughout my life. I was never one to talk a lot and when I tried to someone would cut me off, and now I've kinda lost the ability to do so, I literally only speak if I'm questioned. I can't even put my thoughts into words anymore.

 

The result: I know ppl much more than they assume I do, and nobody knows nothing about me. However they believe I'm their friend bc I hang with them, but I'm just tired of being alone with myself and want some company, eventho that the said company sucks.

 

Truth is that I've always felt lonely.

But I don't act like it when there's company and I really don't know why. Something like "better to try and enjoy what I have than ruinning the little I have and end up with nothing".

 

I'll not even rant about girls, bc I don't accept the "you-should-like-her-but-can't-show-it" and the "who-shows-less-interest" games, so I clearly gave up on love-stuff.

 

So, any thoughts?

 

Without you, the poetry within me is dead.