not even sure if i should post here.... clique problems

[darkishreality]

I am in so much agony over this because idk what or why im feeling like this and idk what i should do

 

some background/context of our friendship:

 

 

so i have known my clique in school since the start of this year, and my in clique there is a guy who's a year younger than me and a girl a year older than me. the guy is in the same class as me whereas the girl is from a different class. we knew each other through the orientation activities (Which lasted for a week but i left 2 days into it because i had to go overseas and i only came back when lessons have started) 

 

i was kinda wary about having guy friends because i never had one this close and i was afraid that i might fall for him, so i said stuff like 'i don't date younger guys' (the only exception to this rule is if they are v matured) and 'i like to go around breaking hearts of people' (when im always the one getting heartbroken) to deter him away from me. i wanted to get close to the female friend instead, but somehow it was never an easy task. Not just because we were in different classes, but we have no common topics that we can talk about. Both the guy and the girl had more common interests so naturally i tried to understand that they would definitely be way closer than i would be with them. 

 

 

 

As time flew by, we had more people joining our clique for lunch, but the bond between the 3 of us kind of grew, though i sometimes still felt that the bond between the 2 of them were much stronger. I was kinda okay at first but i don't know why, i felt kind of left out? and like i started to have really strong reactions whenever the both of them started to do excessive skinships with each other. (the guy does it with me too, like hand touching, footsies etc)(to the point where our classmates thought we were dating ?????? idk anymore)

 

the first time i had a huge reaction to it was the start of this month. the girl tried to playfully smack the guy and for some reason he held onto her hand for a rather long time... and i felt like i was about to throw up and burst into tears but i tried to repress it. Somehow the guy could tell something was wrong with me but he couldn't figure out why. I was in so much pain, i tried to drink 2 school days in a row to repress the feelings and it kind of alleviated a little but i realised i can't reek of alcohol in school so i stopped. i also cried at 3am on one of the days. Due to timetable changes because of exams in that period of time, i ended up spending more time with the guy because we had different breaks with the girl. 

 

He tried to ask if i was okay, and at first i didn't want to say it because it was such a dumb reason that was affecting me so much, but after 3 days i gave in. I thought he would then have understood it and tried to minimise the skinship and maybe try to include me more. I did see the effort, but only for 2 weeks. 

 

The same thing happened again last week. While we were waiting for our exams to start, he kept talking to her and i really wanted to talk to them but i was too nervous for the exams and i ended up staying quiet and just kept pacing around the waiting area and talking to random people. I then saw him kinda mildly slapping her face and she tried to choke him playfully. (yes it was wild i know that's how we always interact i nearly got flipped over by the girl once) and the bitter feelings started to resurface. At that moment i just wanted to collapse and cry. I don't even know why. 

 

After the exam was over i found out i had 4 days away from school, so i muted and archived their chats on whatsapp and muted the guy on instagram. (he often tag me in posts on instagram on his sibling's ipod and vents out his emotions to me when he can't do it on whatsapp his mum's phone.)(he doesn't have a phone btw). i wanted to see if i can go without talking to them for 4 days, and would i feel better after that. 

 

during these 4 days, i talked to my internet friends and other school friends and went out for long walks so as to distract my thoughts. i went out with a classmate of the girl who often came over to join us for breaks. The moment she mentioned the names of these two, i started to cry. I just went full on baby mode bawling into her arms. She too, sometimes felt that the skinship between them was a little too much, but her reaction was pretty mild compared to mine, which i guessed is because she only came in later. 

 

well today is the 4th day and i still felt like shit. i didn't felt anything for ignoring the girl but as for the guy ... i felt ... terrible? like idk i kept having thoughts like did i actually fall for him or fell for the idea of him? i did actually asked him what if the girl fell for him, and he just kept telling me that it wouldn't happen but idk man. what should i do? 

 

TL:DR : excessive skinship between my het friends are getting a bit too much and im confused over my exaggerated reactions towards it despite me having skinships with them too

[B612]

You want more attention, it seems.

 

I was never the type who would be sad over that kind of thing so It's hard for me to relate but hang in there,

[darkishreality]

You want more attention, it seems.

 

I was never the type who would be sad over that kind of thing so It's hard for me to relate but hang in there,

 

which sounds odd because i don't really like attention hahah

 

thank you ;;; 

[♩ ♪ ♫ ♬]

unless you like him, this whole thing really baffles me and is overdramatic

[chanychanchan]

I sorry I want to help but can you summarize that? I'm lazy  . 

But from skimming I think you do like him or liked the idea that he liked you and now that maybe he doesn't seem to have an interest in you, you feel disappointed?

 

Again, I skimmed. Don't know the full thing

[darkishreality]

unless you like him, this whole thing really baffles me and is overdramatic

 

i have no idea if i even like him tbh

 

I sorry I want to help but can you summarize that? I'm lazy  . 

But from skimming I think you do like him or liked the idea that he liked you and now that maybe he doesn't seem to have an interest in you, you feel disappointed?

 

Again, I skimmed. Don't know the full thing

 

i wrote a tldr at the bottom