Don't want to go out with my friend (quite long)

[Hitomoshi]

Going out as in drinking, not in a relationship :P Plus it might seem really trivial to some, but I really have no idea on what to do

 

Anyway, I have been best friends with him for a few years now. We usually go out drinking most weekends, and he wants me to go out drinking with him tonight. I love him to pieces as a friend, but it is just going out drinking with him which is getting difficult now.

 

He used to have strong feelings towards me, and I do love him as a friend, but not in that way. I am quite a flirty drunk, so when I go out, I want to have a flirt with people or a cheeky kiss. When I am out with him, I can't do that. He says that he hasn't got those feelings for me anymore, but if someone I find attractive starts flirting with me and I flirt back, he will get upset. My confidence isn't the best, and there have been a few times when someone I have found attractive has started flirting with me, but I pretended not to be interested just to keep him happy. I do use dating apps, but he doesn't like me using my phone when we are out because he thinks I am talking to people on those apps.

 

A lot of the time we will get into drunken arguments over stupid things. If we don't, then he will usually send a text and it is a drunken rant about me. The most recent was saying how I have treated him like shit and that I have made him insecure. He always apologies the next day, but I know that part of what he says is true. Don't get me wrong, I am not a saint and I have done things which have hurt him in the past like kissing people in front of him, knowing that he had feelings for me and saying horrible things to him, but he is a lot more sensitive towards me due to how he feels about me.

 

He has been going through a difficult time recently which is why he wants to go out with me tonight. I also have been going through a difficult time, and found out that one of my friends has died earlier this week. I haven't told him about that yet because I like to keep things to myself and that is how I deal with things.

 

I just need a night out where I can properly enjoy myself. I want to be able flirt and meet new people without worrying about upsetting my friend or getting into a drunken argument.

 

I don't know what to say to him. If I say I don't want to go out, yet he finds out that I have been out, he will get upset. If I say I do want to go out, but not with him, then he will be upset.

 

Our friendship is good when sober, but can turn horrible very fast when drunk.

 

Any advice would be really appreciated please

[lunakitten]

Have you tried asking him if he would like you to be a wing women. You've explained that he isn' your type but how about if you do go wout drinking with you, you can help him flirt with others. Would that work? Then he has girls to flirt with so he isn't focused on you and can actually move on. You get to make new friends and flirt with others as well.

 

It's just a suggestion because it's a bit of bad situation to be in.

[Teru]

he needs to respect the fact that you're single and want to be able to be yourself and meet new people while also being his friend. if he can't accept that, he is not your friend, and clearly he thinks you have a relationship that is more than friendship even if you think otherwise.

 

if he gets upset seeing you flirt with and kiss other people, he's not over you. he's holding a torch for you and thinks that it's only a matter of time until you cave and accept a relationship with him and all he has to do is regularly go out with you until what he thinks is the inevitable will happen.

 

be upfront and say what you said here to him. if he gets upset it's his own fault when you've drawn the line before.

 

I understand you don't want to hurt his feelings but it is NOT your responsibility to be his keeper and tiptoe around him just to keep him happy while avoiding things you really want to do. live for yourself and not him. he needs to learn that you can't always get what you want and that you can't pressure people into being with you even if you do it passively.

 

it might not seem it to you but from reading this, I don't get the impression you have a healthy friendship, especially if he regularly berates and "rants" at you and calls you names and etc. that isn't a friend or someone who really cares for you.

[Hitomoshi]

he needs to respect the fact that you're single and want to be able to be yourself and meet new people while also being his friend. if he can't accept that, he is not your friend, and clearly he thinks you have a relationship that is more than friendship even if you think otherwise.

 

if he gets upset seeing you flirt with and kiss other people, he's not over you. he's holding a torch for you and thinks that it's only a matter of time until you cave and accept a relationship with him and all he has to do is regularly go out with you until what he thinks is the inevitable will happen.

 

be upfront and say what you said here to him. if he gets upset it's his own fault when you've drawn the line before.

 

I understand you don't want to hurt his feelings but it is NOT your responsibility to be his keeper and tiptoe around him just to keep him happy while avoiding things you really want to do. live for yourself and not him. he needs to learn that you can't always get what you want and that you can't pressure people into being with you even if you do it passively.

 

it might not seem it to you but from reading this, I don't get the impression you have a healthy friendship, especially if he regularly berates and "rants" at you and calls you names and etc. that isn't a friend or someone who really cares for you.

This is what I needed to hear tbh. I don't want to lose him as a friend, but I am tiptoeing around him, partially because I am worried of what he might do to himself. I do think that our friendship is becoming unhealthy and I knew a long time ago it would turn out to be considering the way he feels towards me. Told him I am going out by myself. He isn't happy, but tough luck xD Going to go out and enjoy myself

[Teru]

This is what I needed to hear tbh. I don't want to lose him as a friend, but I am tiptoeing around him, partially because I am worried of what he might do to himself. I do think that our friendship is becoming unhealthy and I knew a long time ago it would turn out to be considering the way he feels towards me. Told him I am going out by myself. He isn't happy, but tough luck xD Going to go out and enjoy myself

 

if you're worried he'll do something to himself in retaliation... that's emotional blackmail. fear isn't acceptable in any relationship.

 

I'm glad you drew the line, hope everything works out for you and have a great time