Is it immoral/wrong for a rape victim to not tell her fiancé?

[vocabulary]

Or any sexual abuse victims, regardless of gender, to not "confess" before marriage. What do y'all think?

 

Edit:!Okay the immoral part is a bit too much but yeah u know what I mean. It feels kinda wrong if u deliberately hide. It feels like you're doing something wrong by putting so much effort into deliberately hiding and coming up with lies to conceal further in case there are any suspicions.

 

Edit again: I'm so sorry if I offended anyone or come across as blaming any victims. I'm bad at expressing myself!

[Mees Madds]

As long as they haven't contacted any sexual disease from it that could affect their partner, I don't think they need to. But for a good marriage, in my opinion, it would be good to have full disclosure.

[taebb]

does every victim of robbery need to tell their fiancee that they've been robbed? if your house was once set on fire by arsonists, is it wrong for you not to tell your fiancee? 

 

 

what sort of time limits are we working with here? if the rape happened 30 years ago, does it still 'count'? 

[zuluu]

its not immoral but if they don't feel comfortable sharing they're issues with their future partner then they probably shouldn't be getting married

[Carlos]

No. Because its your very private business,it is okay because there will be a story that someone don't want to tell to anyone including to their parrents.

 

But if u trust your fiance, is it better that u telling the truth to your fiance. Beside, if your fiance mad at u or even want to cancel your marriage because of that, its mean that your fiance is asshole.

[BABOGIRL]

i dont find it "immoral", but if you were to marry someone it should be someone you'd give your 100% trust and unconditional love and vice versa... there should be no secrets between you two... 

 

gosh it's so easy to get married these days...

[ByulHarangBona]

It is not wrong and immoral. It is something negative that the victim feel and they have all rights to not tell their fiance unless they are comfortable with it.

[glitteringstars]

It's definitely not "immoral"

[You Need Some Milk]

It's not immoral... It's traumatic and tragic and hard to overcome. I wouldn't wish rape on anyone, it scars you for life. It's justified if they don't wanna disclose that to someone.

 

Marriage is a serious commitment.

Difficult things like that take a building of trust to go and tell. If they feel like they can trust someone enough to marry him/her/they, then they should tell. But they need time to heal and trust themselves first

[atreyuavenged]

 If a victim doesn't want to disclose such information, then I don't think they have to. If they feel close enough to the person over time then they might. As for whether or not they might have diseases, it is probably in their best interests to let any potential partner know.

[miharudesu]

As long as there is no risk of contacting diseases, then I think disclosing sensitive information is upon the prerogative of the victim. Besides, I would also assume that before agreeing to marriage sufficient trust and a good relationship has been established prior to it. If someone is willing to enter into a lifelong commitment then they must be comfortable with them, enough to share traumatic life experiences. 

[Sunny_]

Immoral? I'm sorry but what? If someone does not want to tell his/her fiance/boyfriend/girlfriend that they were raped or sexually abused, they have every right to do so. It's not about secrecy or lack of trust, it's about going through that hell again when you're talking about it and no one wants to go through that. 

[benseac]

No it's not wrong, immoral, etc. (S)he shouldn't have to disclose that information if (s)he doesn't want to.

[5th_wall]

What would be there to "confess" since that word is usually only used for something you have done wrong? What has a rape victim done wrong that they need to confess? And what is this about deliberately hiding? That's only happening if "hey doll, have you ever been raped" is a regular topic for the newly engaged.

 

Have you considered, perhaps, that someone who had the misfortune of being raped has decided to leave that horrible experience behind them and not be defined by it? And that implying that doing this is not only not their right but even something "wrong" makes you one of those people who - consciously or not - always manage to put blame to the victim?

[vocabulary]

What would be there to "confess" since that word is usually only used for something you have done wrong? What has a rape victim done wrong that they need to confess? And what is this about deliberately hiding? That's only happening if "hey doll, have you ever been raped" is a regular topic for the newly engaged.

 

Have you considered, perhaps, that someone who had the misfortune of being raped has decided to leave that horrible experience behind them and not be defined by it? And that implying that doing this is not only not their right but even something "wrong" makes you one of those people who - consciously or not - always manage to put blame to the victim?

Some people who have been traumatized may act secretive or differently. It may just escalate till that point. Of course not, "hey have u been raped" but more like "are u okay? What's wrong w u?" Etc. bc they may be averse to touches or overreact when touched. It'll arouse suspicion when someone gets too sensitive when touched and cannot provide an explanation.

 

I don't know how I keep coming across as blaming them or something but I absolutely will never mean it that way T.T idk how to phrase my words in a nicer way as well. I'm so sorry I suck at expressing myself.

[5th_wall]

"It'll arouse suspicion" is another way to talk about things that are shameful. Once again, there is nothing to be suspicious about. Rape victims have done nothing wrong. You wouldn't be suspicious about someone who might have been robbed at gunpoint.

 

Look, apparently the issue is that you are thinking of a woman, or man, who is physically unavailable to their future spouse. Ideally, the two people involved in that situation would be able to be open with each other and help each other through hard and difficult times. But the raped person does not owe it to their partner to tell them. Rather than saying it's bad or morally wrong not to tell, it would be better to see it as another sad side effect of the horrible crime that has happened. For the sake of the partnership it would be best if he knew, especially if it still affects the victim. But for the sake of the victim's well-being it would be best if they were allowed to tell at their own pace without people pressuring them lest they be 'immoral'.

 

Rape victims are not damaged goods.

[93_L]

It is neither immoral nor wrong for the rape victim to keep it a secret. That person would've been embarrassed, traumatized along with other effects especially mental. It is not that person's fault but there are misconception in which the victims were judged for letting it happen which will make that person feel even more insecure. If the fiancee truly loves her, he would have learn to understand and support her

[Suzy Quatro]

It's an issue for both of them but I wouldn't consider that as a morally wrong act although ethically speaking it can be consider as lying to hide that fact.

 

So for practical purposes I'd say it isn't something wrong or immoral, although it could also vary depending on the reasons for hiding it. For instance if the attack was recent it would be normal to be reluctant to talk about it, she might feel shameful sharing that and it could affect her self esteem or have other psychological issues derived from the assault. However I believe it would be an imperative necessity to share such information with his fiancé at some point and it's something that it shouldn't be left unresolved, I think that would be healthier to both of them as a couple and the ideal would be to resolve that before getting married.

[vocabulary]

"It'll arouse suspicion" is another way to talk about things that are shameful. Once again, there is nothing to be suspicious about. Rape victims have done nothing wrong. You wouldn't be suspicious about someone who might have been robbed at gunpoint.

 

Look, apparently the issue is that you are thinking of a woman, or man, who is physically unavailable to their future spouse. Ideally, the two people involved in that situation would be able to be open with each other and help each other through hard and difficult times. But the raped person does not owe it to their partner to tell them. Rather than saying it's bad or morally wrong not to tell, it would be better to see it as another sad side effect of the horrible crime that has happened. For the sake of the partnership it would be best if he knew, especially if it still affects the victim. But for the sake of the victim's well-being it would be best if they were allowed to tell at their own pace without people pressuring them lest they be 'immoral'.

 

Rape victims are not damaged goods.

 

I don't mean suspicious as in them doing something wrong but suspecting that they're hiding something. And if they have no idea what their partners hiding why wouldn't they feel suspicion?

 

Uh yeah I asked my male friends and most say they'll feel cheated/lied to and some say they'll even feel slight anger but most won't consider calling off the marriage. They just feel slight anger from the shock and apparent lack of trust. Things like that. I just tried to speaking from their POV (after hearing their answers (even if I don't personally agree) & trying to understand from their POV) The immoral part may have been an exaggeration but most guys (because I've yet to ask females) feel lied to because of how many lies the other party may have had to tell to cover up. Idk but what you're saying is quite idealistic (but I agree it should be that way) because in modern society (at least/especially in Asia), many people aren't that accepting yet.

 

Yes, but many are psychologically "damaged" and it'll take more effort from the partner which means if (s)he doesn't tell beforehand, the partner may not know what he/she is in for. They may be expecting a normal Sex life and marriage and if they only find out after marriage, it's not surpassing they'll feel cheated. But at this point, if they feel that way, then it's bc they don't love enough/are jerks, which is another point altogether. But the thing is if someone doesn't tell and have major "side effects" such as not daring to have sex etc while the partner got into marriage wanting kids, it'll be considered not so moral of the victim, would it not? When I posed the question, I meant to bring along any trauma the victims have. Gosh sorry I'm so confusing.

[orphan]

As op mentioned, immoral is not a good choice of words in this context.

 

To answer op, imho, it's not immoral or wrong to not disclose such a huge secret. Especially since the victim themselves are probably still going through the recovery process since they are in a dilemma about whether or not to disclose such dark matters to their S.O.

 

If the victim is trying to come to terms with their own situation, how can anyone expect their S.O to do the same. The fear is real to these victims. This I can personally attest to in my previous line of work.

 

In a nutshell, their choice in the end. I just pray and hope their S.O would understand and emphasize with their plight.

[Joon]

It's not immoral or wrong, but I think most victims would find comfort in being able to share their pain with someone they love and trust. At the same time, I also know that it isn't an easy subject to talk about, no matter how much you trust the person. I know that I didn't talk to anyone for years, mostly because I was scared but also because I didn't want anyone viewing me differently because of it, or to have them share my burden. I will never tell my parents, for example, because I know it would kill them inside to know something like that happened to their child. I don't need anyone else to share in the pain. Sometimes it would be nice for me to be able to explain WHY I had a lot of issues as a teen though...but nah...it's not worth it...

 

BTW, this is off topic, but sometimes I get angry when people say rape is worse than murder. For some victims that might be the case, but every person handles trauma differently. For myself I am very much glad to be alive. Yes I have pain, trauma, and scars that I will bear for my entire life, but I still would rather live. When I hear people say that, I can't help but feel a bit upset. It feels like it is empowering the person who did this to me, that now that it happened, my whole identity is changed. Yes it changed my life. But it doesn't DEFINE my life or my idendity. My life is still worth living and I experience happiness and joy just like everyone else. I know that other victims may feel differently...but I hear that phrase so often that I just had to vent about it. I don't blame anyone for making a statement like that eithee. It just gets frustrating, you know?

[JiMiJu]

Ideally there should be as few secrets as possible.