Jump to content
OneHallyu Will Be Closing End Of 2023 ×
OneHallyu

This is so sad. I'm legit crying.

fuckJohnny

By fuckJohnny
in Love & Relationships

Recommended Posts

fuckJohnny Legend

fuckJohnny

14,775
Posted
Posted

It's a real story btw.

 

Warning: Homosexuality. 

 

Title: I will wait for you until 35
Genre: BL
Author: Nakang
Translator: kotorichan 
Genre: true story
Rating: PG-13
Summary: The memory of a Chinese BL roman author about his break up with his boyfriend, shortly one year before his suicide.
 
 
Ailing Zhang once said: “To live, to die, to say good bye–these are all big matters, but they don’t rest in our hands. Compared to the power of the greater world, we humans are so small, so small. But we still want to say, ‘I always want to be with you. For a lifetime, we will not leave each other.’ As if we could take control of our fate.†
 
Some time ago, when we visited a furniture department, we found a brown sofa: broad, comfortable; it could almost bury half of a person inside of it. It cost around 4000 Yuan. I told him, “I will buy this for you, as wedding present.†He looked at me quizzically and said, “What are you talking about…?†and went away to curiously look at another table. 
 
He acted so obvious; even I could see it. It was an unnecessary act, but besides this, he probably had nothing else to do, nothing else to say. I looked at his back and smiled slightly. 
 
Actually, he did not know that I was not acting like an angry child or saying things to hurt him. I really just wanted to buy something for him. 
 
When we returned home, the suitcase lay open on the floor in the living room. He continued to pack his things. I pretended not to see it. What belonged to him, what belonged to me, I thought he would know all that. 
 
On the day he moved out of our apartment, many of our colleagues came to help. I sat on the couch in the living room, looking at all these people eagerly moving things around. A couple of times, people asked me to help, but I pretended as though I could not hear them. I tried to keep a good mood, but my face still ended up looking quite bad. 
 
When everything was taken down, he needed to go tidy up his new place. Some of our colleagues asked him to go out. At the end, there was still no chance for us to talk by ourselves.
 
I sat on my couch, listening carefully to what was happening downstairs. I heard his voice, heard how the engine started. I could not hold back and went out to the balcony to looked down at the car, slowly moving away. I looked toward it when it drove onto the road, looked toward it when it became hidden behind other buildings, looked toward it when it finally disappeared entirely. 
 
I began to pick up the papers and other rubbish on the floor. Then I also put all the dirty clothes into the washbasin, and I even cleaned all the windows. 
 
I think I just had to find something to do. 
 
From 1999 until 2006, I had loved this person for seven years, as if he had become a part of my own body, so much a part that was needless to mention its presence there. Sometimes, I even could not feel it. But after I had it cut off, I did not want to let it go. I wanted to cry. It hurt. 
 
He asked me if I would once choose another person. This was such a deep question, I could only make a laughing matter out of it. “Perhaps,†I said, “there might be a day when I’ll love someone else, leave everything behind me, and follow him to the end of the world.†
 
He started laughing. “I know what type you like: mature and serious. Definitely someone who would appear to be like a strong pillar in front of you.†
 
“Not only that! If there is love, I cannot do anything about it. If there is no love, however, he should not only be mature and look handsome, he’d need to have a lot of money to be able to get me!†I laughed like a stupid child. 
 
I have thought about this question many times as well. I do not know what kind of person I might love later, but wherever my mind stays, in the end, it still rests on him. His face appears again and again in my mind, and I am just not able to think of anyone else. It just has to be him. Sometimes, this is really despairing. 
 
In his mind, he had never accepted his homosexual self. Sometimes, I think, if it hadn’t been me, he might have fallen in love with a girl. He had never put the word “love†in his mouth. Even though we lived together, even though we often made love, he had never said it. It seemed as if once the words were said, he would have to accept his true self. I never said it to him either, only once or twice in letters. I imagined the day we’d break up, just like the scenes one often sees on TV, with the two main characters left alone among the scenery. At that time, I would say those three words. In reality, there were many other things I wanted to tell him besides those three words: “If one day, you cannot continue living your life, you can always come back to me. I will wait for you.†I wanted to plant a seed into his heart, to make him feel bad, so that he would always remember my good side. I wanted him to know that there was always a backdoor that would stay opened for him. I would wait for the chance when the seed would bloom and I could go harvesting. But I also wanted to tell him: “Since you decided on marriage, don’t think about the past anymore. From now on, just live your life happily.†Going with the mainstream would make life easier. This was definitely also a way to find happiness. One should not forget that there was still another woman involved. She was rather the most innocent person. 
 
I shifted between these two thoughts, not knowing how to decide. 
 
In the end, I still sent him the selfish message: “I will wait for you until thirty-five. At that time, if you still cannot come back, I will look for someone else.†
 
I am not innocent, but I am not guilty either. 
 
I just love someone. 
 
With another half month until his marriage, we had not met again since he moved out of the apartment, and neither had he replied to my message. I was wondering what he thought after reading that message. Just when I thought he might not have received it, he wrote an e-mail to me. He said that he missed me, that he liked me. He asked me not to blame him. Considering his horrible skills at writing, this might have been the best letter he had ever written in his life. I read his letter again and again with hundreds of feelings crossing in my heart. Why tell me all this after everything has already been decided…? Why is this person telling me that he likes me but still making me feel such a pain…? 
 
When we first started to date each other, I already knew that he was traditionally rooted. I knew that one day he would get married. He would not force himself to fight against social, moral and commonplace rules. Therefore, we never spoke about the future. There were a lot of things that did not have to be clarified. From the beginning, some things were already decided. If there had not been an outward glance, we might have been able to walk our way silently. But these things could not be avoided. I do not blame him, really. 
 
Recently, I have been thinking, maybe I should just leave this city. Until now, he has been here with me. But now, he has left me, and I should leave too. If I stay here, I always have to think of him being close to me, with his wife and, maybe later, a child at his side. No one in the world would wish him happiness as strongly as I would. But every time I think that I will have nothing to do with this happiness, a strong sadness hits me. 
 
On the wedding present, I will write down my favorite sentence wishing them happiness and blessings for the rest of their lives. I, myself, will never need these words anymore. 
 
The only good news to come about was that one of my good friends from the far north would be visiting me. During our time at the university, he was the only one among all our friends who knew about us. He said he hadn’t come home for a long time, so he wanted me to keep him company for a couple days. He said, “We will not go to his wedding.†
 
In my heart, I felt a little bit relieved. On one hand, I felt I should not miss his wedding, but on the other hand, I did not want to be the only one standing there with no thoughts of blessing this new couple. Putting a smile on my face and saying congratulations would be the cruelest things to ask of me. 
 
Someone once said that when your heart suffers up to the most unbearable degree, the wound might heal faster. But I did not want to risk it. I did not know if I would be able to endure that suffocating pain. 
 
My friend did not visit any of his other friends. He just took me with him, strolling around the city. On that day, we came home after shopping. I felt really tired, so I lay on the sofa with my eyes closed, trying to relax myself. After he left, my ability to sleep had gone to the worst. Even when I was really tired, I always stayed half awake, half asleep. Every little noise made me think of him, of the past, and the whole person wakes up immediately–thinking about this, thinking about that, making it impossible to fall asleep again, carrying on until the next morning. 
 
A long time ago, I heard a story about a widow. Every night, she would throw out a handful of coins and search for each one of them. She searched below the bed, in the corner, behind the cupboard. When she found them all, it would already be almost morning. She knew that she did this because she was lonely, but there was nothing that could be done about it. When I think about this story now, I just feel really sad. 
 
The person I am right now feels almost the same way as this widow did. I’m not able to fall asleep; I just stare into nothing. I’m not sad, but I just don’t know what to do in the meantime. He has left nothing but loneliness for me. Thinking about having this kind of a life for years and years, I start to get frightened. I become afraid that I won’t be able to hang on until thirty-five. 
 
On these nights, I remember the year when we were still freshmen, sleeping in the same dorm room. Those days, we were still so unclear but so excited about our relationship. On one night, I suddenly cried out his name two times in my dream and woke up. When I heard him softly mumble, “Yes…?†I knew that he was there and felt both at ease and safe at the same time. I turned myself around and fell asleep again. 
 
My friend asked me how I felt. That was the first time we confronted the subject. My friend is completely straight, so it wasn’t possible for him to understand exactly what I felt. But there was just no one else I could talk to besides him. When I heard his soft and consoling voice, I suddenly began to cry. The whole time, I had tried to suppress my sadness and pain, wearing a mask as if everything was completely fine, as if it was nothing. My whole mood had been so grey that I even got used it. I had already lost the ability to cry out loud. But the tears kept running out of my eyes, choking me, making it hard to breathe. 
 
“It hurts so much…†
 
My friend could not answer. Even good friends have limited ability when it comes to fixing things between two people. When I told my friend that I wanted to wait for him until thirty-five, my friend strongly objected, saying that it wasn’t a realistic thought at all. However, feelings are not realistic things either. I did not fall in love with this person because he is handsome, or because he is rich. He is neither handsome nor is he rich. He is frowzy, and he always waited until the last minute to take care of things. He is stupid and unable to improve his English. Sometimes, he is slimy too. But I just love him. I do not know where they come from, these feelings without conditions. 
 
“Nankang, Nankang, grow up, soon,†people told me. Like many people, I can grow up. One possibility is to find a nice person and live on. I might not like this person, but after a long time, there might emerge some feelings of being in a family. Another possibility is to break up early and keep searching for someone else. A third possibility is the most realistic one: kissing and hugging in the nights and turning into complete strangers in the mornings. 
 
I certainly can do all these. I am just afraid that all these people won’t replace this one person. Since they are not him, there will be only empty loneliness after the waking-ups. Most of the time, it isn’t that I don’t want to wait, but I just have to wait…knowing that a person that I love this much will not appear a second time in my life. 
 
Look at all these people in the street, making their way in a hurry. When two of them meet, dry glances pass in between their eyes. Not a single person can see the story behind the other person. No one knows, in the other’s heart, what kind of a person is living there. 
 
People say time is the greatest thing. It can erase everything, either happiness or sadness. In the end, nothing will be left behind. The only thing I can do is go on. Many years later, perhaps, then, my heart will beat for someone else, or perhaps I will still be waiting, having forgotten the reason for my existence, or perhaps he will have come back to me. 
 
———————————————————————
 
Background (from the translator): 
 
The author’s name is Nakang, a Chinese bl roman writer. “I will wait for you until 35†is the memory of his real life experience. In March 2008, he threw himself into the river, two years after breaking up with his boyfriend. His body flowed 15 days in the cold water when they finally found him. At that time he was only 28. He could not keep his promise to wait until 35, leaving his parents and his sisters speechless behind. They did not know that why he died or that he was homosexual. It was proven that he suffered from depression before he died. After he died, his readers wrote tons and tons of messages into the forum not believing what has happened. Many were just sad, some were angry; others were just saying he was stupid. His short story “I will wait for you until 35†has been published on to many forum and homepages, and there are two radio versions of it. 
 
It doesn’t not matter how many time listen to this, I always have tears in my eyes. The first time when I heard about his story I cried so heavily that I almost could not go to work the next days as I had such puffy eyes. This is one of the saddest and touching stories I have read and listened to. Therefore I want to share his story his story with you all. I hope Nakang’s words will stay among us forever. 
 
It is sad that your death took you away from our world. Your words and all the memory they carry, however, will last among us forever- giving more and more people the courage to love. 
 
– Wishing you happiness in another world, in another life. Rest in peace, Nankang
 
 
Original Chinese radio record: http://www.tudou.com/playlist/id/2166773/ (The voice lies heavily on my heart…)
 
cr. kotorichan 
Link to comment
Share on other sites
harley. Idol

harley.

78
Posted
Posted

you spend wayyy too much time on the internet. go make your own sad stories instead of reading about everyone else's. make something of yourself.

 

 

 

:derp:

 

 

I already have enough sad stories tbh.

 

 

 

im not surprised you missed the point.

you're crazy sit down.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Flex Star

Flex

1,467
Posted
Posted

Omg no. Please talk to someone.

If you don't have anyone to talk to please visit this thread http://onehallyu.com/index.php?/topic/23690-the-official-depression-support-group-thread/

 

I just posted there awhile ago. I guess no one's around.

And if you're wondering what happened, this http://onehallyu.com/index.php?/topic/36451-broken-can-i-have-your-opinionspieces-of-advice/

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.

 Accept Cookies  Reject Cookies
Back to Top