Huffington Post: ArtSlop: Why Pop Music Sucked In 2013 and How to Fix It for the New Year

[Mr. Taxi]

 

While with certain debates, common ground is seemingly unattainable (abortion, Obamacare, the redemptive qualities of mayonnaise), there's still an issue on which I feel we can all unite in 2013: This has been one disturbingly horrific year for mainstream pop music.

Sure, there were glimmers of promise back in January: Justin had emerged from his bro-cave of tone-deaf acting, Beyonce conquered the Super Bowl and appeared to be on the path to her new record (and thus, our eternal salvation) and a small bird specimen from the Jungle of Disney known as "The Cyrus" was cooing ever so loudly about reincarnation. At the top of the year, we also anxiously awaited new decrees from the Council on Drunk-White-Girl-Scream-Alongs: GaGa, Perry and Spears. And of course, like the Hess truck at Christmas, no November would be complete without the requisite, factory-line hodgepodge we call "Yearly Rihanna Music Productâ„¢."

But as things turned out, exactly none of these things happened. Each release was either a bloated, masturbatory "meh" (Gaga, Timberlake), a bland retread aimed squarely at third graders (Perry), or a bafflingly mixed bag of roaring promise and faux-controversial poppycock (The fair Cyrus bird). Some albums never even materialized, leaving much of the pop heavy-lifting to newcomers like Lorde, AlunaGeorge, Charli XCX, Ariana Grande and IconaPop, who rose to the occasion and delivered some uniformly excellent records on their first go-arounds.

However, what of our fallen pop titans of yore (c. 2010) and how can they redeem themselves in the new year? That's where I come in. Below are my diagnoses and prescriptions for how some beloved pop veterans can turn the beat around in 2014.

Rihanna: Over the past eight years, Rihanna has rather inexplicably morphed into our most reliable pop star, consistently delivering bangers with multi-format appeal and experimenting with unapologetic (hardy har, I'm sorry, that was cheap) abandon. Rih's issue lies with her pace (seven albums in eight years!), a breakneck release schedule that has rendered her yearly albums into four great singles surrounded by 7 questionable though sometimes fleetingly-fun filler tracks. Even her best LPs (Good Girl Gone Bad, Loud) are a smorgasbord of genres that don't hold together as albums.

Rih's 2014 move is to make a pointed artistic statement. Or just any statement, really. Basically I will accept a record that is ethereally coherent as long as it's not 13 completely random tracks recorded with 16,879 different collaborators. And since Rihanna so openly loves the "D," I'm gonna go ahead and suggest two huge "D"s that could touch her in places she never even knew existed, artistically: Drake and Diplo. Drake would be a great executive producer if Rihanna opts for a moody, emo-futuristic R&B album. Diplo could serve the same function should she want to reconnect with her dancehall and reggae roots. Two "D"s, both exciting prospects. Whatever the case, the one "D" she needs to steer way clear of is David Guetta.

Beyonce: If Bey's fifth album had dropped at the beginning of the year as rumored, I woulda been cool with another exploratory record where she culled from her influences and produced an artful, well-executed set of tracks devoid of a hit single. Let's call it 4 II: Revenge of Blue Ivy. But after a year of delays, Bey needs to dish out so much more than just quality: Bitch needs a fucking hit. Not a "Run The World (Girls)," borderline, "aww, it's cute that you're here, Bey!" trifle. I'm talking a "Crazy In Love," "Single Ladies," culture-conquering, life-affirming, death-defying hit. I want to hear the new Beyonce single and feel certain that God exists.

The good news? I think Bey feels that, like with Blue Ivy in 2012, this is a gift that she is ready to bestow upon the world. Give us this gift, Bey. The gift of a hit. Give us two! All we want for New Years is a pretty box of Beyonce hits. Please. Hits. Big Ones.

Justin Timberlake: I've already said my piece on JT. Maybe it's time to give novel writing a spin?

Katy Perry: For you, Ms. Perry, my prescription is simple: Do anything else. Literally anything at all. Witch-house? Fine. A cover album of classic, medieval bard tunes from the Nordic region? Super! A dubstep / string-quartet hybrid where you appear playing only a distorted, wobbling electric viola for 14 tracks? Well, that'd be just stupendous. All I'm saying is do anything besides another album where an apparently intelligent, 30-year-old divorcee sings the lyrics "I went from zero to my own hero" with a straight face. Cool? Cool.

Chris Brown: Just don't, ever again.

Justin Bieber: You either.

Robin Thicke: You most of all.

Taylor Swift: Well, things have been pretty perfectly peachy for Tay over her entire twee career, haven't they? And frankly, each of her four albums have been pretty great. But #5 cannot be another folksy power-pop, name-that-celebrity break-up, diary porn, slumber party sob-fest. Time to sail the S.S. Tears in My Journal into uncharted waters.

The dubstep experiment went pretty good, right?! Maybe a dance album with Klas Ahlund? Or remember when she rapped "SuperBass'" and everyone was like, "Woah, white girl!?" I'm not saying she should rap (please don't rap) but maybe a little sultry R&B touch here and there wouldn't hurt proceedings, a little sexuality sprinkled on top of all that 7th-grade heartbreak? What about a spare protest album about ending violence in the Middle East? Actually, no, definitely don't do that.

Miley Cyrus: Please just relax. After the last three months, I think we could all use a serious time-out, ya know? We need some space.

Robyn: Not panicking here but, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN GIRL WE'RE DYING A SLOW ARDUOUS DEATH WITHOUT YOU.

Lady GaGa: I have to confess something: I kinda like ARTPOP in spite of itself. Sure, it's not the "reverse-Warholian" mind-fuck GaGa may or may not think it is, but we should be thanking God for that! It's mostly just fun, dumb pop songs with soaring melodies and a lot of GaGa's freakishly bizarre yet compelling personality.

That said, it's not a great album by any means (it contains a "trap" song called "Jewels 'N Drugs," after all) but I think GaGa might really have the potential for greatness. By my count, she needs to drive further towards the '80s arena-rock sound that she began to develop of Born This Way. Her most compelling post-"Bad Romance" tunes have been the Springsteen-ian "Edge of Glory," the Queen-esque (Queeny?) stomp of "You and I" and on her current album, the Bon Jovi-goes-Elton John bar-rattler, "Gypsy." Bottom line: GaGa's a classic rocker pretending to be a disco-queen and I believe her future success lies mostly in the former but with an eye on the fun inherent in the latter. Got it? Fun-spirited, unpretentious, post-Springsteenian arena rock mixed with a touch of nu-disco, sprinkled with club-shaking dance-pop and a big ole wink. See? Easy!

Pink: I gotta be honest, I really don't understand Pink's whole shtick at all but keep swingin' on that ole trapeze, I guess!

Adele: Sing. Just keep doing the singing, it's really marvelous.

Britney Spears: Dear Brit, Don't take this the wrong way, but it's been clear to some of us in the group for a while that your heart's really not in the whole song-and-dance routine anymore. Since I feel like no one's telling you this, I'm taking on the responsibility myself: You don't have to do this anymore! You're free!

Look: You did it, you made it to the top. We're all SOO proud! Now take your millions and Sean and Jaden and Jeremiah and whatever other kids you have stashed in that Malibu McMansion, go back to Louisiana and open up that roadside 'Po-Boy' stand you've always dreamed of! Cop an airboat at Home Depot and cruise around the bayou! Tan just a little bit too much and hunt some alligators. Watch all the football and eat all the Cheetos your precious little heart desires. You deserve it!

And on the note of deserving things, we deserve to never ever hear "Scream & Shout" ever again.

Ke$ha: I dunno man, Ke$ha. You seem smart, and I like some of your songs, but you're also kind of exhausting and I almost forgot to put you on here so I'm just jamming you in at the end. I guess the whole pretending to be a stupid, drunk party girl as a sorta commentary on stupid, drunk party girls has worn thin. Maybe don't do that routine again next time? That's really all I got. No more fake stupid, drunk party girl routine. Thoughts?

Lily Allen: You, my friend, may have saved the whole game with

. Bravo.

So that's that and you're welcome, Beyonce. Also, those of you mentioned above looking for new A&R, I clearly have tons of free time and am brimming with ideas for you! Think of me like a pop music doctor: Let me help you help me help you help humanity through frivolous radio music that basically just makes all of you rich while the rest of us can't afford health insurance. It's the American way! And Britney, please, go live the simple life. I'm saying it cuz I care.

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dj-lou...b_4268485.html

 

This is why J-music, Indie music & adult contemporary >>>>>>>>

[abra]

Needed

 

 

Based Queen Lily did a good job too

[youchewflop]

Robyn: Not panicking here but, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN GIRL WE'RE DYING A SLOW ARDUOUS DEATH WITHOUT YOU.

 

 

 

 

 

IKR

[evil4life]

completely agree with all of this if there was a genre that experienced a slump this year it wasn't K-pop after all but American pop!

[His Majesty Robosexual]

UKpop 2013 >>>>>>>>>>>> USpop 2013.

[mgl]

[Mischo]

American Pop and Kpop really sucked hard this year imo...

[Kitty Pryde]

I quickly glanced this but the commentary!

<3

 

The messages to Beyonce, Katy Perry, and Britney are my personal favorites lol

[Iljin Prince]

Not sure whether or not this person is wise or stupid.

[김민주]

I'm fine with Katy's music. I don't want her turning into a gaga and getting all weird. I'm fine with her experimenting, but no I don't want her to completely change her style to appease people like him.

[Sjofn]

Hard Out There is the worst song released this year.

 

 

 

 

Bye!

 

[whispershuzzy]

Beyonce never promised not one album this year, she said an album was in the works, and then people listened to twitter and *reliable sources*, but no confirmation from Bey or her camp directly. This ain't no YG-2ne1 type of situation. Y'all just need to stop believing everything you read without proper sources. That being said Run The World (Girls) was bad, but 4 was a great album, she just didn't promote it (because she got pregnant right before the era even began, did festivals for the entire summer in other countries, and then decided to bow out while not properly promoting her last singles). Also Single Ladies is not even one of her best songs...

This person praised Lily Allen. Bye. That song is uninspired and typical...plus she sounds bored on it. 

[Mako Yagami]

I agree with everything he said, everything.

[starcruise]

This person praised Lily Allen. Bye.

[gno]

the rihanna commentary seemed the most serious out of all the bits in the piece...

 

her albums are really just songs crammed in an album, thats it....since she constantly released albums every year, there's more lack of feeling and creativity, rather then songs that actually having songs with meaning behind them and have a concept.

 

 

"What Now" should be the concept of her next album, but it should dig back into her personal struggles as What now did...and she should actually work hard on crafting this album...

[Nanallena]

S&S was will.i.am's tho

 

2neways, Artpop was downright terrible. The album in its entirety(bar DWUW,Gypsy, Dope & Applause) is literally Scream&Shout tbh

[hyoyeon's lines in check]

American Pop and Kpop really sucked hard this year imo...

[......]

UKpop 2013 >>>>>>>>>>>> USpop 2013.

[duhleenuh]

Not sure whether or not this person is wise or stupid.

Huff Post is terrible so anything on there verges on stupid for me. However, this article is probably one of their least offensive because they can do what they do best without trying to be taken too seriously.

 

 

But what I have never understood is why people think that they have to compromise with pop music. If you're not liking it, then why not put energy into finding something you do like instead of forever diddling on the surface and telling people to spoonfeed you something better? And sure, disappointment occurs outside of the pop music realm, but the same idea still applies.

[DocumentaLy]

I honestly don't need a Beyonce hit. I'd rather have a solid album than a hit.

 

I do agree with most of the critiques. There's a reason I've been off US pop for years with the exception of Beyonce.

 

UKpop 2013 >>>>>>>>>>>> USpop 2013.

 

This is the case for most years. Nice shoutout to the AlunaGeorge album. Most of my favorite Western albums this year are British.

[Jezebel]

Eww @ this reviewer. Beyoncé has been shit for almost a decade now; accept it and move on. At least she's still a good performer. She should just retire from "making music" at this point, which seems to be her intention, and focus on touring. And in what world is ARTPOP a good album, or Lily Allen the savior of pop music? This article is among one of the most embarrassing things you've posted, Mr. Taxi, and that says a lot.

 

It makes me proud to see people like Mr. Taxi, this reviewer, DocumentaLy, etc. dislike Britney Spears. It's a sign that she's not done making quality pop yet.

[DocumentaLy]

Eww @ this reviewer. Beyoncé has been shit for almost a decade now; accept it and move on. At least she's still a good performer. She should just retire from "making music" at this point, which seems to be her intention, and focus on touring. And in what world is ARTPOP a good album, or Lily Allen the savior of pop music? This article is among one of the most embarrassing things you've posted, Mr. Taxi, and that says a lot.

 

It makes me proud to see people like Mr. Taxi, this reviewer, DocumentaLy, etc. dislike Britney Spears. It's a sign that she's not done making quality pop yet.

 

Sorry that we all don't like talentless robots but people who have actual talent.

[Jezebel]

Sorry that we all don't like talentless robots but people who have actual talent.

Bitch, we've both listened to 4. You're not pretending like you're some avant-garde music enthusiast when you stan for an album of that quality.

[DocumentaLy]

Bitch, we've both listened to 4. You're not pretending like you're some avant-garde music enthusiast when you stan for an album of that quality.

 

Who said it was avant garde though? Nobody. It was a nice R&B album that harkened back to the late 80s / early 90s by someone with actual vocal talent.  You shitting on this but stanning a robot who was known mostly for dancing / sex appeal a decade ago and is now just going through the movements poorly is a laugh. Stick to your talk singing icon.

[Jezebel]

Who said it was avant garde though? Nobody. It was a nice R&B album that harkened back to the late 80s / early 90s by someone with actual vocal talent.  You shitting on this but stanning a robot who was known mostly for dancing / sex appeal a decade ago and is now just going through the movements poorly is a laugh. Stick to your talk singing icon.

*legend. She may hate promotion/effort nowadays, but at least her albums are always worthwhile. She's gotten away with her lack of promo solely because she actually puts out good studio work.