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Deathnote Fanfic -Advice please?


Kukkungie

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So I started this fanfic agess ago when I was absolutely obsessed with L from deathnote. I intended to keep L and Light alive in my version, and professedly in deep seated comradeship/love? with one another. 

 

I've only recently re-discovered it, and am unsure if I should continue? Also, I'm a pretty trashy writer, and take forever to get to the story line. Any help there or general criticisms would be much appreciated! I've got it pasted in the spoiler, advice please?

 

 

 

Blurb/Promo

 

Here lay thriving a tale of two masters. Their love for each other and their hate; where friendship is founded upon the labour of L and light. And foe is founded upon the ruin of Lawliet and Kira.

 
 Two men, incomparable in both intellect and endurance will strive in conflict. Each working to forge a new fate for their wasted future. A fate of reward and victory. A fate of peace at their virtues' expense.  
 
The question now remains, which fate will overpower?  Which will incur defeat? Will love pick up arms to play dirty, or will it lay a dead pacifist; struck with the deathnote's vanquish?
 
 
Chap 1- An end to a Beginning
 

An onslaught of rain deafens the sky, beating the drum to a deadly future. One man, though withered and worn, stands in the out-pour. His body a shade of ghostly white, and his hair no less lifeless than the eyes that acknowledge it. He stands soaking in overalls drenched; his top once white, now a shade of wilten grey, with it following a languish pair of blue trousers. No shoes. The man sees no reason for such comfort, instead he lets his feet cold and bare.

 

"Light-kun..?" L sighs, his head seeping a plethora emotions out onto waded skin. His face? A contortion of fear and love.

 

Behind eyes which don usual dilation, a glimpse of defeat follows through. One so hearty that it dares slice the soul in two and burn the remains in a fire ignited by once lust for one another. Shoulders sadden as they give way to gravity, and a beating drum deafens the dying body of Lawliet.

 

The friendless man sinks down as dead weight, struggling to breathe out the last of his silence.

"Light-kun, P-lease. please..don't leave me"

 

Today. He knew his confession were to be today, yet a tug at uppermost bottom of his heart pleads otherwise. And yet, if he were to fall to his death today without Light-kun knowing the verdict of their friendship, an eternity of hell would await. If he dared not tell Ligh-- no, Kira.. if he dared not tell kira of his love, then the man at question will claim not only L's life, but his peace too.

 

Moments pass before L notices himself. Tilting his head upwards, his hair gives room to a face squirming under the surging pelts from above. The sound of the storm so loud, it is clear now that L's desperation hadn't reached the ears of his first friend.

 

Lowering his gaze, L meets gormless eyes. Across lay his lover, his Light. A metallic bridge barricades the writhing love of one, and neutral emotion of another.This was it. This was L's end. 

 

Standing straight, untormented and unmoved. Lucid and dry, under critical eyes, a widespread umbrella covers Light. Across, the sad sight of a drenched, and despairing L elicits no emotion. This is not L's Light, but instead Lawliet's Kira staring back at the broken body across him.

 

And over the dying drum of his heart, Lawliet understands now; there was never a chance of birth for his love. Never a beginning.

 

:twitch: 

 

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