YEOJU 4,405 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 (I didn't know where to post a vent topic so I posted it in the Random section. Sorry if it goes somewhere else OTL) This is a public forum and all but I really don't care, I really need to let this out somewhere. If any of you have experienced mental sickness or are close to someone who has, you can relate. My ex-best friend suffers through anorexia nervosa. It's a pretty serious case, and she started developing it a few years back, back when we were like really close. When she was younger, she was a plump girl with masculine features and curly hair. Nobody considered her attractive, not even herself. She was bullied, bothered, until I came along. I treated her nicely, changed the subject, tried to get her moods up. Because I always knew she was beautiful on the inside. When we kept growing, so did our bodies. We're both tall girls, so while we grew taller, our bodies grew slimmer. I could see a significant change in her and I always told her so. Later on, when she started venturing more and more into the world of the internet, she started seeing all those pro-ana websites and started admiring how gorgeous all those girls looked extremely skinny. She then began a plan of eating less and less until she starved herself. At first she didn't tell me of this, because she knew I would freak out.. But I later on found out through other close friends. I asked her what the motive was, why was she doing this.. She told me it was because of me. She felt sick walking next to me knowing that I was beautiful and skinny and she was not. I was her 'thinspiration', if so you may call it, and I felt disgusted. The girl I wanted to make feel better was feeling worse because of me. Ironic. So, I started to try to gain some more weight, to no avail. (Yes, I cared that much about her.) There were times when even though lunch was horrible, I would fucking force myself to eat just to see her eat a spoonful. It was awful. It felt like a huge burden because nobody else knew about this and nobody else could keep an eye on her. If I let my guard down, and decided to venture off with my other friends to watch K-POP videos, she would take that as an opportunity to purge (force yourself into vomiting) all the food in her system. Imagine how I felt. I felt like a terrible friend, like a traitor for letting her do that to herself. Eventually her parents found out, but that wasn't much help. They put her in a mental institute for some months, and she tricked everyone into believing she had stopped when she really had not. She even fooled me, so I would stop worrying. And I felt stupid. I felt stupid because when I talked to her sweetly and with nice words and told her to stop, she listened, but she never tried to do anything about it. She does admit she has a mental illness, but uses it as her free pass to keep doing all this shit. It got so bad, she spent her whole Christmas break stuck in a hospital, connected to some cables and getting tube-fed because she tried starving herself. I had to fucking visit my friend at the hospital during Christmas, I was angry at her.. But I also felt like crying. She has spent months in the hospital. Whenever she recovers, they let her off with a warning, yet she returns a few months after. I remember once she spent a long time in the hospital, and I took the books of school to her, teached her the new material, did a few assignments with her... But she has never changed. I've found myself crying myself to sleep because losing a friend, to such a terrible manner, would really wreck me. She says she won't change until she looks like me, or even skinnier, and reaches the 'perfect weight' (which she refuses to tell me which number exactly that is). Her parents only know half the things she does. I don't know if they know she smokes weed. The teachers know nothing. And I don't know what the fuck to do. I just don't want anything bad to happen to her, you know? (sorry if my English is a bit off, it's not my main language) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoplz 2,333 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Damn...idk what to say Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YEOJU 4,405 Posted October 14, 2013 Author Share Posted October 14, 2013 Damn...idk what to say Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaco 53 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 :/, tell a teacher you trust at school, they should be able to get her the help she needs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fuckJohnny 14,775 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 She needs professional help. She is going to get herself killed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slowpoke X 1,319 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 well, that sucks just please, don't ever blame yourself for what's happening to her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YEOJU 4,405 Posted October 14, 2013 Author Share Posted October 14, 2013 :/, tell a teacher you trust at school, they should be able to get her the help she needs The social worker found out once. She tried helping. She was also tricked, like me.. She thought she had stopped, heck, I thought so too.. But she was hiding it so she could continue on with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaco 53 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 The social worker found out once. She tried helping. She was also tricked, like me.. She thought she had stopped, heck, I thought so too.. But she was hiding it so she could continue on with it. :/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YEOJU 4,405 Posted October 14, 2013 Author Share Posted October 14, 2013 She needs professional help. She is going to get herself killed. She already got professional help. I do reckon she needs more of it, though. well, that sucks just please, don't ever blame yourself for what's happening to her It does suck. And I try, but it's pretty hard when she tells you you're her 'thinspiration'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athena 21,718 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 I'm speechless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YEOJU 4,405 Posted October 14, 2013 Author Share Posted October 14, 2013 I'm speechless. Yeah :/ That was me a few days back when I walked in on her purging in the bathroom because she ate a packet of sweet cookies that, according to her, were ''totally unnecessary'' And then, I found out she was still purging, when she had personally told me she had stopped months ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lela 1,180 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 oh dear...I want to hug you T.T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ingenting 1,781 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 just... remember it's not your fault, what she does to herself is not your responsibility. don't feel bad when you can't do more than your best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midnightdreams 810 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 This is something she has to be willing to do. The only thing you can do is try to motivate her to stop. Try to find the thing that she wants more than to look like you/beautiful or something that scares her more than being 'ugly'. I know using the scare tactic is probably not the best way to approach this but it's better than nothing... The only reason my dad supposedly (Idk if he's keeping his word) stopped drinking is because he didn't want to lose the family.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slowpoke X 1,319 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 She already got professional help. I do reckon she needs more of it, though. It does suck. And I try, but it's pretty hard when she tells you you're her 'thinspiration'. i also had a some kind of similar experience about caring for other person who in that case suffered from depression, but didn't told anyone in situation like yours, it's very easy to start feeling "responsible" for other person, especially if they tell you everything, they burden you with emotions they are going through, and they even start saying that you caused the state you are in in situations like this, it's very easy to start feeling depressed yourself, and feeling guilty (this happens quite often that people who are next to others suffering from mental ilness, start suffering from it by themselves) but ultimately, even if you did everything to help that person, the decision to get better has to be decided by that person herself, so never ever blame yourself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruby Faith 5,082 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 This is a thread I made for people who would like to vent : http://onehallyu.com/index.php?/topic/23690-the-official-depression-support-group-thread/so if you ever need to talk or advice, me and a group of other people are there to listen and you can PM me if you need to talk, I am always here for you. Just please don't blame yourself, your friend has mental issues and seems very dysmorphic to me. Just because you were around when it happened, doesn't mean you caused it. You are a very nice and caring person for sticking with her through all this, just try to talk her into it, maybe she can enter a support group or meet some obese people so she'd know how overweight people actually look like. Be there for her and I hope that this will be be over soon, best of luck friend! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
montchery 3,185 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 I had a friend who went through the same... things got so bad, she ended up at the hospital once too. Got help thanks to her parents, had to take 2-3 pills everyday that would help her control ansiety and desires to throw up (since we all kept an eye on her eating, so she had to)... doctors showed her pics of how her internal organs would be affected if she continued the same, of how her mouth and teeth would look, etc. She stopped, I guess the support helped and the pills too. I hope she never ever goes back to it, it was very worrying. I hope your friend gets more proffesional help, she is risking her life, it seem like a really serious case :( I feel bad for you since it's no good to get all the pressure over you, and it's not fair and it's not your fault. Try talking about it to someone close to her, her family must step in. Sad part is she doesn't seem to want the help, and if that's the case then it won't be of much.. use, but when needed... something must be done. I'm sorry for you, wish your friend to get healthy again and do something for herself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YEOJU 4,405 Posted October 14, 2013 Author Share Posted October 14, 2013 oh dear...I want to hug you T.T :/ please do just... remember it's not your fault, what she does to herself is not your responsibility. don't feel bad when you can't do more than your best. Thank you This is something she has to be willing to do. The only thing you can do is try to motivate her to stop. Try to find the thing that she wants more than to look like you/beautiful or something that scares her more than being 'ugly'. I know using the scare tactic is probably not the best way to approach this but it's better than nothing... The only reason my dad supposedly (Idk if he's keeping his word) stopped drinking is because he didn't want to lose the family.. There used to be this guy at school she really liked, but he moved. Thing is, him being around made her happy and made her not think about appearances and perfection all the time. Also, he found her very pretty and attractive so that reaaaally helped her self-esteem. When he left, and there was nobody to remind her how pretty she was (other than me, but she called me a liar) things started to spiral down. i also had a some kind of similar experience about caring for other person who in that case suffered from depression, but didn't told anyone in situation like yours, it's very easy to start feeling "responsible" for other person, especially if they tell you everything, they burden you with emotions they are going through, and they even start saying that you caused the state you are in in situations like this, it's very easy to start feeling depressed yourself, and feeling guilty (this happens quite often that people who are next to others suffering from mental ilness, start suffering from it by themselves) but ultimately, even if you did everything to help that person, the decision to get better has to be decided by that person herself, so never ever blame yourself Exactly. I feel very respondible towards her because she trusts me. I have never felt depressed though, and guilty only a few couple of times. This is a thread I made for people who would like to vent : http://onehallyu.com/index.php?/topic/23690-the-official-depression-support-group-thread/so if you ever need to talk or advice, me and a group of other people are there to listen and you can PM me if you need to talk, I am always here for you. Just please don't blame yourself, your friend has mental issues and seems very dysmorphic to me. Just because you were around when it happened, doesn't mean you caused it. You are a very nice and caring person for sticking with her through all this, just try to talk her into it, maybe she can enter a support group or meet some obese people so she'd know how overweight people actually look like. Be there for her and I hope that this will be be over soon, best of luck friend! Thank you soo much, you're so cute T.T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midnightdreams 810 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 There used to be this guy at school she really liked, but he moved. Thing is, him being around made her happy and made her not think about appearances and perfection all the time. Also, he found her very pretty and attractive so that reaaaally helped her self-esteem. When he left, and there was nobody to remind her how pretty she was (other than me, but she called me a liar) things started to spiral down. hmm how much do you mean to her now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YEOJU 4,405 Posted October 14, 2013 Author Share Posted October 14, 2013 hmm how much do you mean to her now? How much do I mean to her? I honestly don't know.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midnightdreams 810 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 How much do I mean to her? I honestly don't know.. dang...do you know anyone close to her that worries about her anorexia? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YEOJU 4,405 Posted October 14, 2013 Author Share Posted October 14, 2013 dang... do you know anyone close to her that worries about her anorexia? She has told me and my other close friend. If it has spread from there, that is beyond me. My friend tries to help her, but doesn't put as much effort into it as I do because I guess she's a bit scared. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigManSam 244 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Sometimes people have got to get worse before they realise what theyre actually doing to themselves. Youve done your best, its down to her now. Que sera sera. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss.Miss 8,896 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Try not to take on all the responsibility by yourself. She doesn't just need professional help but she needs more people around her too, not just you, and the more burden you put on yourself the worse you'll feel and in the end that isn't helpful to either of you. I don't know much of what to advice except that try not to put yourself in a situation where you have to keep secrets for her (it's a burden on you and it helps her feel she can continue the way she is). I would say talk to her, be open about how it is affecting you and acknowledge that there are limits to what you can do for her as a friend, if you're going to let other people in her life (her parents, teacher, social worker, who ever you think will be more supportive) know the full story so they can share in the responsibility then let her know first and it's difficult but try to explain that you're not the only one responsible for her, she has some responsibilities to herself and to you as a friend as well as to her family and you can't be responsible for her if she doesn't take responsibility for herself first. Make sure you have support for yourself too, maybe speak to your parents or someone you can speak to confidentially. I know it's a difficult and shitty situation and really there's no magic solution and the change has to come from her. It might sound selfish but you have to look after yourself too and try and avoid this kind of relationship where you're made to feel guilty and responsible. It's not your fault and it's not your responsibility to make her better. I know it's difficult to think that when she tells you she was "inspired" by you but I'm thinking it's really just her way of maintaining the illusion that it's ok and that you will support her no matter what. Also don't think that if you choose to keep your distance that you'll be letting her down in some way because they are somethings she really might need to realize and do on her own. Sorry for the TL;DR but basically what I'm saying is that you should encourage her to get a healthier support system (not rely just on you) and continue with professional help. There's no quick fix so the best you can do is start looking after yourself and focus on yourself more, don't let her be dependent on you, hopefully that could also inspire her to start looking after herself better but even if it doesn't you can only do so much as a friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ajax 131 Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 I somehow can relate. But really, in my opinion there isn't really much you can do about it, you've tried everything, you've kept by her side but she still won't listen. I know, it hurts a lot because you could just tell everybody to fuck off and stop caring about her, but you can't, because you care too much, and it's there where I can see you're a really good friend. But it's her life, no one can change her if she isn't willing to change. You shouldn't blame yourself for that. On a side note: She needs srs help. Really, perhaps she's not getting the right treatment and that's why she keeps doing the same things all over again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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