sillysone 6,340 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 It's really difficult for me to write this and share it here, but I'm not feeling well atm, and I have to get all these things out of my head. I'm putting my story under the spoiler, so if you don't wanna get your mood down, better leave and don't click it. I'm not asking for sympathy, but if you maybe have some advice, I'd really appreciate it. If you're also going through depression, you can share you own story in this thread. Thank you. I've been battling with severe case of depression for the past two years. I've never asked for professional help, nor have I taken any medication for it. It's been pretty much me trying to get up and be happy every single day and realising how I didn't succeed at the end of the day. The most difficult thing about it, is that I have no one to support me. I don't talk about it to anyone, to be honest. Whenever I tried to explain it to my parents or my sibling, it never really got through to them. They'd say things like: "Everyone is depressed every now and then, get over it, man up and stop being a pussy, be an adult, get up and do something." My sister has been very ruthless about it and would constantly go and belittle me, saying how it's all my fault, how I'm a loser, how she feels embarassed whenever someone asks her about me. She would also go and point out how I have no one, how I'm gonna die alone, how no one cares about me. And then'd she'd say how she's saying it all for my own good. I can't say that my depression dates back to only two years ago. I've been gloomy even as a child and as I got older it only got worse. Two years ago, I graduated from high school. I've always done really well at school (that was the only thing I was good at) and everyone expected me to enroll in a good university. And I did, even though it wasn't the university I wanted to go to. I couldn't say that to my parents though, they always pressured me to do well at school, and they really wanted me to study at that particular university. So I left my hometown and moved to the town where my university was located at. That's where my troubles started. It turned out that particular university was too big of a bite for me, and I failed to pass the exams and lost a year. This was pretty much a nightmare for me. For the first time in my life I wasn't doing well at my studies. My parents took this pretty hard and made me go through hell with their constant complaints and stuff. It was also difficult for me to see how my peers, classmates and friends from my hometown were doing not only well at uni, but their social lives were also pretty damn great. Yet I was failing at my studies and also failed to make any close friends. There was not a single aspect of life I was doing well at. I eventually ended up transferring to another university, that is not that difficult and is sorta looked down on by many. It was also really difficult for me to take that step, but at that point my parents were able to deal with the situation and show some support for me in their own way. I thought things might get better with a new start. However, when I told friends from my hometown about it, some of them were pretty blunt and told me how I made a bad choice and how I was too smart to go to "such a university". Hearing that made me feel even more bad about myself, and I've never really had a good image about myself to begin with. My self-esteem issues date back to my early childhood. I originally wanted to ask for help and see a therapist, but I'm honestly embarassed. Here where I live, depressed people are looked down on by society. Especially if you're male, you're expected to be strong and deal with anything life brings your way. But I'm honestly at a point where I don't know how to go on like this anymore. I'm tired of spending all of my time alone. I'm tired of pretending everything is alright when it's not. I'm tired of all of it. I just want to stop fucking struggling and be truly happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kagehina 802 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 hm...honestly, even though you said that it's looked down upon to be depressed you should still go to a therapist and get medicine think about it, your own health or being embarrassed? also, try talking to someone about it, online friend, a close irl friend, as long as you have someone to listen to you. Sorry if that didn't help much, but I hope everything goes okay for you and you get better soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*lesigh* 6,759 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Tbh I would never know you were depressed, you always seem quite happy and you're very friendly with me. You're quite brave for admitting this to an online forum, and I like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamitruth 2,561 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 There's always pressure of studying or choosing the right university but they do not secure an ideal future or happiness. The flaw of education is setting your standards too high or comparing it with your classmates. Don't be too hard on yourself or care what others think about you. As long as you tried your best at what you do, even if you don't succeed you should be proud of yourself that you gave it your all. Stay strong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sillysone 6,340 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 hm...honestly, even though you said that it's looked down upon to be depressed you should still go to a therapist and get medicine think about it, your own health or being embarrassed? also, try talking to someone about it, online friend, a close irl friend, as long as you have someone to listen to you. Sorry if that didn't help much, but I hope everything goes okay for you and you get better soon I think I eventually will if things don't get better.. Tbh I would never know you were depressed, you always seem quite happy and you're very friendly with me. You're quite brave for admitting this to an online forum, and I like that. I am like that in real life too. I don't let it show. People think I'm the funniest person around who doesn't give a damn about anything. Thank you, I thought it was a mistake to do, but I feel better after writing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fourever 3,231 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 These threads get made all then time in this forum and honestly the advice is the same you need to talk to someone- tell your parents about this. Talk to your doctor too.. they won't force you to take medication if you don't want to. Making a thread in OH is honestly not going to help and none of us can offer any advice that you haven't heard before. You've already moved Uni and are attending the less 'prestige' one right? so forget what happened because you can't change it. There's so many people who are average and go to average unis and there's nothing wrong with that. You'll come out with the same qualification and if you hustle hard enough you'll get to the same level life is never as it planned for most people and plans change all the time Your parents probably want to you be healthy more than anything and once you tell them the pressure you're feeling they probably will help you out a lot. Once you accept that you're an average human being your problems seem a lot smaller You have to make an effort every single day if you're depressed to get better and this thread shows that you still see hope so latch onto that hwaittttttttttttting oppa AKB ladies saying it how it is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MphuZ4EFZjU Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sillysone 6,340 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 There's always pressure of studying or choosing the right university but they do not secure an ideal future or happiness. The flaw of education is setting your standards too high or comparing it with your classmates. Don't be too hard on yourself or care what others think about you. As long as you tried your best at what you do, even if you don't succeed you should be proud of yourself that you gave it your all. Stay strong Thank you Kami Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cnude 1,928 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I can relate to a lot of what you're saying (I failed 2 years in university and then quit) minus the being a male part and I don't really have anyone saying that sort of stuff to me. But seriously, if you feel like you're about to explode, please see a therapist. Or maybe just chat to someone you don't know irl, it feels good to take some weigh off your shoulders, even if it's temporarily. Those people who are judging you don't know what you're going through, so that's why seeing a therapist is the best option. They can help you find your way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*lesigh* 6,759 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I think I eventually will if things don't get better.. I am like that in real life too. I don't let it show. People think I'm the funniest person around who doesn't give a damn about anything. Thank you, I thought it was a mistake to do, but I feel better after writing it. I see. In that sense, you seem to be like Princess Diana. Even when she was depressed because of her marriage's breakdown, she tried not to show it for the sake of the public. Hell, sometimes I get like that but it's obvious how I'm really feeling. Diana did eventually get some help, and overcame her depression and her eating disorder. I recommend you do that, no matter how looked down upon it is in society. Your mental health is most important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sillysone 6,340 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 These threads get made all then time in this forum and honestly the advice is the same you need to talk to someone- tell your parents about this. Talk to your doctor too.. they won't force you to take medication if you don't want to. Making a thread in OH is honestly not going to help and none of us can offer any advice that you haven't heard before. You've already moved Uni and are attending the less 'prestige' one right? so forget what happened because you can't change it. There's so many people who are average and go to average unis and there's nothing wrong with that. You'll come out with the same qualification and if you hustle hard enough you'll get to the same level life is never as it planned for most people and plans change all the time Your parents probably want to you be healthy more than anything and once you tell them the pressure you're feeling they probably will help you out a lot. Once you accept that you're an average human being your problems seem a lot smaller You have to make an effort every single day if you're depressed to get better and this thread shows that you still see hope so latch onto that hwaittttttttttttting oppa AKB ladies saying it how it is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MphuZ4EFZjU Thank you, everything you said is true. You're being really nice about it and I really appreciate it. I've always liked that AKB song ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ñyan 1,712 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Don't be sad my baby, I totally understand you, I developed an axiety disorder due to depression and started a treatment several months after... Before treatment I was unable to eat and go outside, then I start treatment, now I can at least go to school without freaking out in the middle of the street. It is not embarrasing looking for help, cheer up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sillysone 6,340 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 I see. In that sense, you seem to be like Princess Diana. Even when she was depressed because of her marriage's breakdown, she tried not to show it for the sake of the public. Hell, sometimes I get like that but it's obvious how I'm really feeling. Diana did eventually get some help, and overcame her depression and her eating disorder. I recommend you do that, no matter how looked down upon it is in society. Your mental health is most important. Thank you so much for your advice, Jessicant! I'll try to get my messy life in order. Keep your love for Diana unchanged! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sillysone 6,340 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 Don't be sad my baby, I totally understand you, I developed an axiety disorder due to depression and started a treatment several months after... Before treatment I was unable to eat and go outside, then I start treatment, now I can at least go to school without freaking out in the middle of the street. It is not embarrasing looking for help, cheer up Thank you Bitsh! Everyone is being so nice, thanks guys! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*lesigh* 6,759 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Thank you so much for your advice, Jessicant! I'll try to get my messy life in order. Keep your love for Diana unchanged! OMG you're welcome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
。Beach Angel 。 955 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 So it feels like everyone is screaming at you. Sometimes intelligent and capable people are the most sensitive you know? i'm not really sure which country you're from and etc However, when I told friends from my hometown about it, some of them were pretty blunt and told me how I made a bad choice and how I was too smart to go to "such a university". Hearing that made me feel even more bad about myself, and I've never really had a good image about myself to begin with. My self-esteem issues date back to my early childhood. They're really not criticizing you and they're more like ..trying to praise you ... it's kind of opposite of looking down on you . It's not that your feelings arent invalid, its just that depression can tint your thinking. How about you try to "fake" some confidence? It's seems like you're tired of this and it's definitely not your fault either. Have you listened to tedtalks? they're interesting, perhaps it'll give you some perspective. But you'll have to actually practice what they tell you for it to actually work. Click on the video and give it a listen, its about 10 minutes. http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en and everyone has problems from their childhood and some of them dont know it... some of them are trying to fix it... self-esteem issues are just tricky Also, confidence and self-esteem and depression are connected, hopefully if you pull up and fix some parts, you'll be on a happier path. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sillysone 6,340 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 So it feels like everyone is screaming at you. Sometimes intelligent and capable people are the most sensitive you know? i'm not really sure which country you're from and etc They're really not criticizing you and they're more like ..trying to praise you ... it's kind of opposite of looking down on you . It's not that your feelings arent invalid, its just that depression can tint your thinking. How about you try to "fake" some confidence? It's seems like you're tired of this and it's definitely not your fault either. Have you listened to tedtalks? they're interesting, perhaps it'll give you some perspective. But you'll have to actually practice what they tell you for it to actually work. Click on the video and give it a listen, its about 10 minutes. http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en and everyone has problems from their childhood and some of them dont know it... some of them are trying to fix it... self-esteem issues are just tricky Also, confidence and self-esteem and depression are connected, hopefully if you pull up and fix some parts, you'll be on a happier path. Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. That video was really informative, I'll check more of their stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
little_me 219 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I have been on medication for anxiety and depression for the past 5 years. I am actually hoping to come off it soon. Honestly going to see a doctor about it was the scariest, but also the best thing I ever did. It had got to the point where I hated everything about my life and all I wanted to do was either cry or sleep. The doctor sent me to have CBT and it helped me so much. The counselor was really nice and helped me get through it. I feel so much better now compared to where I was 5 years ago! So basically my advise is talk to a doctor about it. It won't be as bad as you think and there is help out there! Even if you feel you are all alone at the moment, trust me you're not! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AsterL 56 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Oh sillysone, *hugs forever and doesn't let go* I'll have you know I cannot understand the courage it takes to post something like this on an online public forum. To quote Haruki Murakami; "What happens when people open their hearts?" "They get better." I think you should see your therapist, most of them really want to help despite TV showing mentally ill characters functioning in society enough to survive. What they don't show is the nights they spend in loneliness, and the long road they have travelled without anyone who to share their suffering with. But that's what our mess of society is, you show vulnerability and they tell you to suck it up. A man is at his best when he is most vulnerable, because that means he is open, he is willing to be understood if someone only tries to understand! As for your education, once you are healed (because just because it's not physical does not mean you aren't wounded) I'm sure you can put your mind to it. The textbooks are big and scary but practical experience is much better, and googling the topic to learn it instead helps better because you can learn additional stuff and doing past papers is like gold...anyway enough of the study tips I plead guilty to not following all of them sorry OTL And don't force yourself to be funny. Most of the time we smile and forget that this is real life, not some movie where people are going to see through it like a psychic even if you happen to be in a relationship with them. Humans are dense and shallow after all, but they can also be very caring and warm. If anything I'm sure there are people at OneHallyu who support you I mean, just look at the response to this thread! And I'm just a newbie who just finished his exams and got time to log on, though I have to deal with SAT and univeristy stuff this year. OTL Anyways, good luck and FIGHTING! Kim Junsu supports this message. JK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dazzlingpaw 819 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Even though I don't know you, I'll try to help with my message. It must have took you a lot of courage to post this online as others have mentioned above, and I admire that tbh. I'm still learning a lot about different subjects that concerns the human, so I'm sorry in advance if it's not the best help that you can get (I'll try really hard to make it readable, I'm not a specialist :'///). First, the real happiness isn't something that can come and go just like this. It's extremely difficult to reach it, but it's possible. Imagine that the ''negative'' is a shadow, and that the ''positive'' is a light. Those are two things that will always be there in our lives, you can't just choose to have the light and ignore the shadow (which mostly represent your problems, etc) because that's not real happiness. You must find the strength to be neutral about the shadow, without actually forget that it's there and it will always exist. Take for exemple the fact that your sister is bringing you down. Do you think that she's happy while doing this act towards you? Somebody who's truly happy will never feel the need to criticize other people to make himself/herself better, and unfortunately that's something that humans do quite often. People like to satisfy their ego. Your parents are a great exemple. They pushed you over a choice that wasn't yours, so do you think that it was for your satisfaction or theirs? Live with the thought that it's YOUR life and YOUR choices. What society thinks is ideal isn't ideal for everyone. What is the most important is life is to achieve your dreams and ambitions, and if you still don't know what they are, it's okay. It's not everyone who knows exactly what will be their future job in a fraction of second, and never let people and society pressure you with it. Enjoy your hobbies, and search where your heart wants to guide you. It can take all the time that you need, there's no rush. Remember that you can always find help out there when you need it. (okay I hope it was helpful otherwise I tried my best ) Have a good day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sillysone 6,340 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 Oh sillysone, *hugs forever and doesn't let go* I'll have you know I cannot understand the courage it takes to post something like this on an online public forum. To quote Haruki Murakami; "What happens when people open their hearts?" "They get better." I think you should see your therapist, most of them really want to help despite TV showing mentally ill characters functioning in society enough to survive. What they don't show is the nights they spend in loneliness, and the long road they have travelled without anyone who to share their suffering with. But that's what our mess of society is, you show vulnerability and they tell you to suck it up. A man is at his best when he is most vulnerable, because that means he is open, he is willing to be understood if someone only tries to understand! As for your education, once you are healed (because just because it's not physical does not mean you aren't wounded) I'm sure you can put your mind to it. The textbooks are big and scary but practical experience is much better, and googling the topic to learn it instead helps better because you can learn additional stuff and doing past papers is like gold...anyway enough of the study tips I plead guilty to not following all of them sorry OTL And don't force yourself to be funny. Most of the time we smile and forget that this is real life, not some movie where people are going to see through it like a psychic even if you happen to be in a relationship with them. Humans are dense and shallow after all, but they can also be very caring and warm. If anything I'm sure there are people at OneHallyu who support you I mean, just look at the response to this thread! And I'm just a newbie who just finished his exams and got time to log on, though I have to deal with SAT and univeristy stuff this year. OTL Anyways, good luck and FIGHTING! Kim Junsu supports this message. JK Thank you so so much *hugs back* Dat Murakami quote :'( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sillysone 6,340 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 I have been on medication for anxiety and depression for the past 5 years. I am actually hoping to come off it soon. Honestly going to see a doctor about it was the scariest, but also the best thing I ever did. It had got to the point where I hated everything about my life and all I wanted to do was either cry or sleep. The doctor sent me to have CBT and it helped me so much. The counselor was really nice and helped me get through it. I feel so much better now compared to where I was 5 years ago! So basically my advise is talk to a doctor about it. It won't be as bad as you think and there is help out there! Even if you feel you are all alone at the moment, trust me you're not! Thank you for your input and for sharing your story. I'm still reluctant about seeing a therapist, but I might get there eventually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sillysone 6,340 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 Even though I don't know you, I'll try to help with my message. It must have took you a lot of courage to post this online as others have mentioned above, and I admire that tbh. I'm still learning a lot about different subjects that concerns the human, so I'm sorry in advance if it's not the best help that you can get (I'll try really hard to make it readable, I'm not a specialist :'///). First, the real happiness isn't something that can come and go just like this. It's extremely difficult to reach it, but it's possible. Imagine that the ''negative'' is a shadow, and that the ''positive'' is a light. Those are two things that will always be there in our lives, you can't just choose to have the light and ignore the shadow (which mostly represent your problems, etc) because that's not real happiness. You must find the strength to be neutral about the shadow, without actually forget that it's there and it will always exist. Take for exemple the fact that your sister is bringing you down. Do you think that she's happy while doing this act towards you? Somebody who's truly happy will never feel the need to criticize other people to make himself/herself better, and unfortunately that's something that humans do quite often. People like to satisfy their ego. Your parents are a great exemple. They pushed you over a choice that wasn't yours, so do you think that it was for your satisfaction or theirs? Live with the thought that it's YOUR life and YOUR choices. What society thinks is ideal isn't ideal for everyone. What is the most important is life is to achieve your dreams and ambitions, and if you still don't know what they are, it's okay. It's not everyone who knows exactly what will be their future job in a fraction of second, and never let people and society pressure you with it. Enjoy your hobbies, and search where your heart wants to guide you. It can take all the time that you need, there's no rush. Remember that you can always find help out there when you need it. (okay I hope it was helpful otherwise I tried my best ) Have a good day! Your advice is really helpful, thank you. You understood what I was talking about, I'm really grateful. ^^ All of you guys are being so nice to me, I honestly don't deserve it. :'( After writing that and reading your replies I feel much, much better. I feel like I've put a lot of weight off my shoulders. I never really wrote down my thoughts and feelings, so I think this helped me to look at my situation a bit more objectively. Once again, thank you everyone. I'm truly grateful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErikaEGO 8,626 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I know I'm too young to actually be giving out advice, but it's as simple as doing what makes you happy . Tell your parents it's YOUR life , not theirs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dazzlingpaw 819 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Your advice is really helpful, thank you. You understood what I was talking about, I'm really grateful. ^^ All of you guys are being so nice to me, I honestly don't deserve it. :'( After writing that and reading your replies I feel much, much better. I feel like I've put a lot of weight off my shoulders. I never really wrote down my thoughts and feelings, so I think this helped me to look at my situation a bit more objectively. Once again, thank you everyone. I'm truly grateful. I'm so glad that you feel better and that it was helpful Never say that you don't deserve it, everyone deserves happiness buddy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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