Exovaries 613 Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 So a couple of months ago, I wrote this fic, but it was p much shit, so a friend and I crackified it. The result was glorious. The humor sucks at the beginning but keep going, it gets good at the end lol (it's not supposed to make sense btw) It was the sixth in the series of dreary days this week. Forlorn leaves danced across the wet ground, and mist shrouded the landscape. “Mmm, this atmosphere is so…moist,†I muttered to myself. I cast nervous glances at the shitty weather hanging overhead as I booked it towards my fucking house. Brushing strands of hair out of my face, I lifted my eyes to the sky just as the first few raindrops fell, scattered, onto the pavement. “Aww SHIAT!†I screamed as the droplets pierced my eyes like icicles falling over a fresh bed of the first fallen snow. FUCKING BRICKS OF SHIT. I needed to get back to my apartment, fast. The rain would turn to snow rapidly if the cold persisted. Skirting through a back alleyway, I pulled the hood of my coat over my head. Though the alleyway was a shortcut, it scared the fucking thong off of me, and I walked as quickly as possible, whilst pulling my wedgie out of my asshole. As I turned a corner, I stopped abruptly when I noticed a heap on the ground. It was unmistakably a human body. It was crumpled, limbs splayed across the ground. I was about to turn back the way I had come when a pitiful groan emitted from it. Of course as the desperate slut I was, I walked over.“I’m going to busy tonight.†I whispered under my breath while caressing his face. I stared at it as the rain hammered down around me, deciding whether to help or leave. I made up my mind--I couldn’t possibly just leave it there, like a discarded pad, overflowing with blood like fucking Sparta. I approached it warily and prodded it with my foot. It grunted and rolled over. I could see it’s face now; the features were faintly masculine, and his eyes were squeezed tightly shut. Mmm, I could squeeze something else tightly shut on you ;) I tapped him again. “Hey, are you okay?†When there was no response, I groped in my pocket for my phone, and began dialing the police. “Whatever, I’m calling the cops…†Almost immediately, the man’s eyes flew open in alarm. “No! Don’t call the cops!,†he uttered weakly. I stared at him, startled. That’s hella sketchy… Bending down to observe him closer, I noticed with surprise that his lips were faintly tinted red. Herpes? I inspected his face and realized he was safe to fuck. However, his features were pallid and he had Chanel foundation on. A fire of jealousy erupted in my stomach as I gazed at his perfection. He was panting faintly, and his body was hot underneath my touch. You turned on too, babe? ;) I ran a finger down his cheek. “This amount of rain is too damn high...maybe we should fuck somewhere elseâ€, I mused. I fixed my spandex and grabbed hold of his arms, pulling him slowly down the alleyway. It proved to be easier than expected...his body was astoundingly light. Making sure not to bump his head, I opened the back door of my apartment with my foot and pulled him inside. I lived on the second floor, so I was able to drag him up only one flight of stairs before shoving him inside my room. Once we were inside, I began to laugh at myself. I just dragged this million dollar mother fucker into my house, the hell am I supposed to do now? Shaking my head, I turned to look at the body that was collapsed against the door. I pulled him onto the carpet, then turned on the lights. It took shitloads of effort to not instantly orgasm as my eyes raked the body that was faintly visible beneath the sopping clothes plastered to it. ‘MMMMM HHHHHHHH AAAAAAA HHHHHHUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHBBBBFFFFFFF’ my horny brain screamed in agony. His hair was dyed the color of shit, and his clothes had so many fucking Gucci tags that Tao would have stripped them off and humped them into the majestic vermillion sunset. I turned on the heater and removed his sodden jacket. “Let’s get you out of those….hindrances, baby ;) ;)†I studied his face; something about it seemed vaguely familiar. Perhaps I had seen him in the sex toy shop? Hurrying across the room, I grabbed a magazine from the counter, shit wrong one. Seeing Kim Kardashian’s oiled down naked ass two times was two times too many. I grabbed the magazine under it and flipped to the first page. I stared down at the picture of one of Korea’s most popular idol groups, and found the face of the man lying in the center my kitchen. HOLD THE FUCK UP. WHAT? “Mmm, what a finneee piece of meat you are ;).†I sashayed across the room to where his body lay helplessly, and began to undress him. “Who the fuck are you?†He gave me a look like I was an abominable piece of vermin, and my mouth dropped open. “E-Excuse me?†I was so taken aback that my mouth opened and closed like an 85 year old’s vagina. He looked me over and cast me a skeptical look. “Sorry, let me rephrase that. Why am I in the presence of a repulsive bitch like you?†Ohhh, Kkaebsonggg. I seethed with anger. I hadn’t called the cops on his sorry ass, and I dropped my favorite thong in the process. He had absolutely no right to say that shit to me. “You egomaniacal dick!,†I sputtered. “You have the audacity to say that to me after I drag your pathetic ass over here instead of calling the cops?!†I took a deep breath. “Who do you even think you are?†He sneered at me. “Sweetheart,†he began, his voice dripping with menace, “-you know perfectly well who I am.†I pretended to be in deep thought. “Byun, wasn’t it?,†I mused, relishing the streak of annoyance that passed over his features. “Why aren’t you with the rest of EXO?†I put as much spite into the name as possible. He rolled his eyes at me. “I knew you commoners were fugly, but I didn’t know you were uneducated as well.†He gestured at the magazine in my hand. “Can you even read?†I shot him an angry look and read the title above the picture of EXO: ‘Baekhyun has requested a hiatus, fans speak out about his untimely leave-’ “You left? Did Chanyeol tell you to fuck off because you’re too gay for his straight ass?†“Don’t mention his fucking name-,†he spat, towering over me, “-or i’ll pour bubble tea down your pooper.†I was almost frightened by him, but I noticed the purple bruises stretching farther up his glowing white ass. Pushing him away roughly, I drew myself up to my grand height of 5’ 2, almost short enough to head butt his crotch. “Listen, I could malign you and your stupid boy band all day, but something’s wrong with you, and you better tell me.†“And why would I ever feel inclined to do that?†“Because I’m the only one who can help you--you can’t risk going out into the city like this, can you?†He frowned, forehead furrowing. “Fine. But if you even consider going to the media, I’ll have to...intervene.†I knew what he meant, and my vagina clenched. Baekhyun opened his mouth, hesitating slightly. He turned his face to the side to not make eye contact. “I…fucked myself in the asshole.†He swallowed and added hastily “By accident.†I wasn’t surprised, though I thought I would be; penises were an otherworldly concept. I didn’t involve myself with people that fucked themselves. In fact, I knew hardly anything about them. Original: Baekhyun turned his face to the side to not make eye contact. “Well...I…overdosed.†He swallowed and added hastily “By accident.†I wasn’t surprised, though I thought I would be; drugs were an otherworldly concept. I didn’t involve myself with people that did drugs. In fact, I knew hardly anything about them. i cried tbh "How in the name of Jesus’ striped panties did you manage to achieve that??†He licked his lips. “Lemme show you babe.†omg i can’t He pushed me against the wall behind me as our mouths crashed together hungrily. I raked my fingers through his soft shit-colored locks as his tongue ran over my bottom lip. His hand reached down to my thong. “Wow, you’re wetter than water!,†he exclaimed. “Just for you, my sexy little Snuggluffagus,†I whispered in his ear sensually. “The fuck is a Snuggluffagus?!,†Baekhyun looked like he just shat his pants. “Yeah, cuz wetter than water just makes me want to jump onto a queen size bed and fuck you. Please, Chanyeol’s crotch in skinny jeans is smoother than the shit you spout for sex,†I retorted. “I told you not to mention his name again…†I felt kind of bad for him, then I realized shit head was only here for my virginity. “Get the fuck to bed you million dollar bitch.†“Even you know how much I’m worth.†he silently snapped back before closing the bedroom door behind him. I thought I saw him smile. omfg crying ~ ^_^ ~ Not bothering to change out of my bunny suit and pumps, I walked out of my bedroom to see Baekhyun staring aimlessly at the television. He was watching Titanic like the motherfucking man he was. “The only thing smaller than your tiny Asian dick is the amount of oscars Leo’s won off of this movie. I can’t believe you’re watching this trash,†I said courteously, making my way to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. “Yeah, I bet your virgin ass is just so fresh so clean that Jesus decided to make a holiday for it. Please, you obviously like the size of my dick enough to drag me into your house.†Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SNSTD 4,470 Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 LMAO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yaeca 1,137 Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 when I die, I'm burying this fic with me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exovaries 613 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Share Posted May 17, 2015 LMAO girl haha I think? I guess it could be a boy ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°) when I die, I'm burying this fic with me this fic is my legacy tho Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suga's GF 3,185 Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 one time me and my friend tried to write a fic where ace killed all of exo i vaguely remember a scene where luhan called exo a "pencil dick cock nose asshole breath thin ankles having motherfucker" omG and suho was the first one to die and the only reason luhan found him was bc it interrupted his masturbating session Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PsychoLotus 1,546 Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 I'm dead Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exovaries 613 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Share Posted May 17, 2015 one time me and my friend tried to write a fic where ace killed all of exo i vaguely remember a scene where luhan called exo a "pencil dick cock nose asshole breath thin ankles having motherfucker" omG and suho was the first one to die and the only reason luhan found him was bc it interrupted his masturbating session that sounds like a masterpiece Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suga's GF 3,185 Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 that sounds like a masterpiece we didn't even give up writing it we just stopped idek why......................................... there goes my claim 2 fame Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SNSTD 4,470 Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 omg the new title Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exovaries 613 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 omg the new title yaeca said she was disappointed with the title so i changed it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yaeca 1,137 Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 yaeca said she was disappointed with the title so i changed it I feel like a proud mom now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exovaries 613 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 I feel like a proud mom now you're like 2 years older than me u curdled cock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yaeca 1,137 Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 you're like 2 years older than me u curdled cockbish more like 3 u sack of fermented semen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exovaries 613 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 bish more like 3 u sack of fermented semen guess what bitch semen is sugar based so when it ferments it turns into alcohol so i'm useful and a lot of people want me unlike your disgusting moldy meat rod Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiyu 2,891 Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 lmao Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PanicInParadise 896 Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 I want to comment smth on this .. but I don't even know what to say Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exovaries 613 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 I want to comment smth on this .. but I don't even know what to say my amazing writing skills have made u speechless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yaeca 1,137 Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 guess what bitch semen is sugar based so when it ferments it turns into alcohol so i'm useful and a lot of people want me unlike your disgusting moldy meat rodthnx for the info tbh. good job young grasshopperbut fym moldy meat rod. my body is sunkissed and voluptuous bye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChreamPie 539 Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 appropriate~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exovaries 613 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 thnx for the info tbh. good job young grasshopper but fym moldy meat rod. my body is sunkissed and voluptuous bye this young grasshopper is getting more cocks than you've had in your entire laifu this is me tbh all leg with a torso smaller than your lil dick and no titties Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yaeca 1,137 Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 this young grasshopper is getting more cocks than you've had in your entire laifu this is me tbh all leg with a torso smaller than your lil dick and no titties who needs a multitude of cock when kai's is the only one I need my dik small but my C cup sized tiddies aren't Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exovaries 613 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 who needs a multitude of cock when kai's is the only one I need my dik small but my C cup sized tiddies aren't too bad because kai and the rest of EXO are inside this pussy luhan and lay appreciate my small tiddies so bye but u lucky fuck i'm barely an A cup Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yaeca 1,137 Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 too bad because kai and the rest of EXO are inside this pussy luhan and lay appreciate my small tiddies so bye but u lucky fuck i'm barely an A cup sike u thoughtnah not rlly.. running is a pain in the ass all boobs are great boobs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exovaries 613 Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 sike u thought nah not rlly.. running is a pain in the ass all boobs are great boobs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yaeca 1,137 Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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