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VANTE, March 1, 2015 in The Lobby
im exhausted and overwhelmed with emotions. i don't know whats wrong with me these days. i've been feeling so agitated at the people whom i once cared for.
I feel selfish for thinking this but I've actually been enjoying my time in quarantine. I love that I don't have to leave the house and interact with people at my university. I was really struggling with my social anxiety around February/March and started spiralling because I was approaching the end of my first year and made no friends. I still feel anxious from time to time but I'm just glad this isn't a daily thing where I have to put on a front whenever I go to my lectures because that was just exhausting.
I know this is a dead thread but
the one and only person who was keeping me balanced walked out on me. Just like that. I'm a reclusive introvert, so I know how to be on my own, but I don't know how to deal with someone who was by my side for six years disappearing so suddenly. I had completely forgotten that without that distraction, my default is to be like this. It comes and goes, but it is so horrible oh my god.
I honestly don't think I can make it past this year, and the only place I can admit that without facing any consequences is a fcking kpop forum.
being unproductive during the quarantine.
my anxiety and depression gets worse when I am unproductive but that's something i only learned in recent years add on top of that being in my mid 20s
looking at jobs I had since 2011 there's those big gaps in between unfortunately i am not a celebrity who can use mental illness as an excuse to explain the gaps and the only way for me to get a break due to mental illness is quitting a job.
my original plan was to have a job in summer 2020 I had enough money that I saved since my last job in 2018, meanwhile late 2019 and early 2020 was probably some of the worst times I have went through in this decade I probably suffered the highest peak of my depression/anxiety/stress and now not being able to be productive in summer is just making me feel like I am gonna suffer another depression/anxiety peak this winter the problem is my mental state is so bad it effects my Physical health any sort of chronic illness i have gets worse each year as my mental health gets worse especially my autoimmune problems and chronic allergies.
My mind is constantly redirected to a source of frustrations that illuminate my view of the path I'm walking on. I don't know where the edge of the path is anymore. I can't tell if I'm walking on concrete or dirt. I'm still moving while my feet continue to bleed that cry in its own voice telling me to stop.
I'm opposed by a wave of resistance from people whom I most likely will never meet. How can someone who is loved, secure and safe be made to feel ashamed and unwanted? Does it not feel tiring to send unwarranted hatred in the form of passive-aggressiveness and fear-instilling actions? I want to curse these people openly. I restrain myself consciously from doing so, though, not out of fear, but because I know it will never be fully resolved/changed. As with most things, things evolve and become increasingly ruthless. Should I also be surprised at others joining as silent participants? No. They might have reasons for doing so, no matter how weak those excuses may seem to be. I should probably mentally brace myself for the worst. Honestly, ignoring never helped and only made things worse.
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