mysunandmoon 2,266 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Ok, so I used to have this friend who is depressed. We were both pretty sad people and we were friends for, like, three years. One day I kind of realised that she added to my sadness, and that her constant bouts of deep depression affected me really badly as well. Of course, I couldn't abandon her, so I tried to help her, I tried to help her for three years. I've only acknowledged recently that she kind of isolated me from other people, and got really jealous when I tried to make new connections, which I have a natural trouble with cause of social anxiety, but she enabled me kind of? Anyway, this year I decided enough was enough, and started hanging out with new people, I found myself getting happier and happier by spending more time with them, and without thinking about it, kind of cut this friend off. What I did to her was pretty mean, but it's also mean to myself to hang out with a person that makes me distinctly unhappy, and she openly resents me now because of it. I should also mention we still share a group of friends, in a way. TL:DR High School is shit, toxic people are shit, my socialising skills are shit, and I'd like your help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paige michalchuk 865 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 get her a bf. make her an okcupid account. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soleil 728 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 If she was affecting you negatively, then i'm glad you put yourself first, it's okay to be selfish at times. What you did wrong though was not confronting her by telling her how much her problems affected you. Maybe if you were more honest about it, she would have tried to change and not talk as much about her issues. All in all, what you did was the right thing to do, but I think there were better ways to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mysunandmoon 2,266 Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 If she was affecting you negatively, then i'm glad you put yourself first, it's okay to be selfish at times. What you did wrong though was not confronting her by telling her how much her problems affected you. Maybe if you were more honest about it, she would have tried to change and not talk as much about her issues. All in all, what you did was the right thing to do, but I think there were better ways to do it. I agree completely about the whole confronting her bit, I wish I could have. But I feel like it's too late now, and it's not like we could ever go back to being friends again if you know what I mean. Thank you very much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alisonn 5,454 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Does she actually have depression? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mysunandmoon 2,266 Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 Does she actually have depression? Yeah, we both did. It was a bad combination, but she was always a lot more self destructive than I was. Not just depression in the "oooh I'm so sad" way but clinically diagnosed and what have you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alisonn 5,454 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Yeah, we both did. It was a bad combination, but she was always a lot more self destructive than I was. Not just depression in the "oooh I'm so sad" way but clinically diagnosed and what have you. Was she getting help then? Whether you made the right choice or not, is well something for you to decide. You made yourself happy and you got better. Sometimes it's good to be selfish and really if you hadn't made new friends, maybe you would still have been in a horrible mindset. I actually suggest you confront her now. You may never be able to be friends again, but that doesn't mean you can't tell her where the problems in your previous relationship were. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
campfire 5,083 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 It's okay to be selfish and cut people out for your own good. You don't owe anything to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mysunandmoon 2,266 Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 Was she getting help then? Whether you made the right choice or not, is well something for you to decide. You made yourself happy and you got better, but you may have possibly added to her depression. Sometimes it's good to be selfish and really if you hadn't made new friends, maybe you would still have been in a horrible mindset. I actually suggest you confront her now. You may never be able to be friends again, but that doesn't mean you can't tell her where the problems in your previous relationship were. She refuses to get help. Several times, I tried to get her to go to her follow up appointments and meet with school counsellors, but she refused to every time. I don't think I can help her, and it took me this long to figure out that it isn't my job to. I agree that I should confront her, but having known her so well in the past, she's a really volatile person and, speaking honestly, I'm kind of scared of her. She would take anything I say and use it as a weapon against herself, she hears criticism very loudly, and when I tried to point out flaws in our friendship in the past, it only added to her self deprecation. For me, it's a very complex situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANTI-IKON 1,013 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Tell her to get some friends or invite her into your circle of friends. See how she reacts. If she doesnt improve, talk to an adult figure about how to get her help. Sounds like you want to save her but you don't owe anything to her. Don't let her depression prevent you from being happy. You found a way out so maybe she can, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No Heart 580 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 She refuses to get help. Several times, I tried to get her to go to her follow up appointments and meet with school counsellors, but she refused to every time. I don't think I can help her, and it took me this long to figure out that it isn't my job to. I agree that I should confront her, but having known her so well in the past, she's a really volatile person and, speaking honestly, I'm kind of scared of her. She would take anything I say and use it as a weapon against herself, she hears criticism very loudly, and when I tried to point out flaws in our friendship in the past, it only added to her self deprecation. For me, it's a very complex situation. You're doing the right thing. There is no point in trying to help someone who refuses it. Just move on with your life and let someone else worry about her. It, in no way whatsoever, makes you an asshole. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alisonn 5,454 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 She refuses to get help. Several times, I tried to get her to go to her follow up appointments and meet with school counsellors, but she refused to every time. I don't think I can help her, and it took me this long to figure out that it isn't my job to. I agree that I should confront her, but having known her so well in the past, she's a really volatile person and, speaking honestly, I'm kind of scared of her. She would take anything I say and use it as a weapon against herself, she hears criticism very loudly, and when I tried to point out flaws in our friendship in the past, it only added to her self deprecation. For me, it's a very complex situation. That path she's walking down doesn't look like it'd be a good one.... She has depression so it sounds right... Just do what makes you happy and don't walk down the path you may regret. If being friends with someone doesn't make you happy, then it's not a friendship really. You owe it to yourself to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy, so be glad that you finally are and make a clean break from what used to be holding you down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ringo 4,146 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 That's understandable. It sounds like she needs help you can't give. You have your own life to live, it's hardly living if you're miserable all the time because of this person, however bad their situation is. Sometimes miserable people try to drag others down with them, consciously or not. You've tried to get her to seek professional help, I see, but there's nothing you can do if she refuses. It's hard to face, but sometimes you just can't do anything for a person who's severely depressed. It's an illness that needs proper treatment, like any other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ccynd 912 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 I'm depressed too.... but that's only because of school, not no obsessed friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fgt 1,210 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 as a depressed person myself, I wouldn't want to be confronted by a "friend" and be told that my depression was affecting them negatively. but maybe that's just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zuluu 212 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 This is normal. I had a friend like that and we were toxic together. It wasn't one persons fault more than the other we just fed off each others bad habits. Don't feel guilty. Sometimes you have to be selfish for the sake of your own sanity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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