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KihyunsHoneybun

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Posts posted by KihyunsHoneybun

  1. It only gets worse before it gets better tbh. Just hang in there.

     

    youre right about that and also lately i've been noticing that for some people it doesnt ever get better

    since i dont want that to happen to me and I don't want to keep feeling like this, i did look for better methods of working on myself like therapy etc

    the others in therapy say the same things i do

    they also feel that loneliness, sadness, feelings that others judge/hate/ignore them

    just feeling out of place with this world

    in a way its nice to be around other people who are suffering too

    all day long i see people who look so happy or who genuinely are decently happy and it just makes me so jealous

    like, why them and not me? I want happiness too!

    so yeah i am working on it

     

    thanks for understanding!

  2. Well then there ya go, slightly lacking doesnt sound like incapable of doing does it? From the way you put it here doesn't sound at all like the way you put it before which is good. From what it sounds like here, it doesnt sound impossible to achieve what you want. Things just may have not worked out here and there, which is pretty normal for everyone to experience.

     

    Also moving onto something else isn't quitting. It sounds like youre already giving it your all, and if you think that it will pay off enentually then by all means, keep going. But  you should also know that its okay to do something different. It doesnt mean that everything you did was a waste or that you just quit. I think working earnestly towards something is an achievement in itself.

     

    Also if you want to keep trying, its okay to give yourself breaks here and there. Its not a race to see how fast you can achieve your goal. If youre working towards it at your own pace then thats good enough. No need to wear yourself out.

     

    really? to me it sounds the same but just with more detail lol

     

    well i guess i see what you mean, it does sound more hopeful. it just doesn't FEEL any more hopeful to me lol My whole feeling right now is just really discouraged. i know it doesn't sound like it, but i'm just covering it by being really determined. 

     

    when i chose this path i asked myself at what point would i be willing to quit. and i decided never. i thought that even if it took me until i was old to get good that would still be worth having. so that was my decision from the outset.

     

    when i took stock of my skill set i decided that the biggest skill i had and best point to my personality was being obstinate and i saw in my life it had worked against me a lot and i decided that in this one thing i would make it work FOR me instead. i would make it carry me as far as i needed to go when i ran out of strength. id just bulldoze through it. i thought my second biggest skill was creativity. so even though i haven't been stellar with creativity so far, i have reason to believe that its in there somewhere. i just have to find it and harness it and direct it properly.

     

    i think you're right. maybe i need to accept that things not working out is kind of common. I've been trying to do that. when i fail i find workarounds. and i try to find them fast. i just get so tired. sometimes you just really need a win. a big one. and this is that time. it would really make me feel better to just have one thing come off really really well for a change

     

    i want to agree with you about choosing something else being okay and not a waste but......i just can't. I have a history of quitting and throwing away my efforts. i didn't realize i was like that or that it was making my life bad by doing that until one day i told my mom i was going to do something and she snorted and said. "You'll just quit. That's what you do." I was like "NO I DONT" and she ran down a lifelong list of times when i quit and wasted my efforts and her money. i couldn't even deny it. all i ever did was f*cking quit everything. lol even when i stood a good chance or was talented at something if it didn't come easy or fast enough or if there were pitfalls or difficulties of any kind, i'd  quit. so thats why im this way now. resolute in my decisions. quitting and choosing something else that i think would be better or easier has never gotten me anything in life, but it cost me and others a lot. thats why now i'm not a fan. now my motto is "kkeutkkaji" the korean word for "to the end." because thats what i do everything to now - the very end

     

    you're right, the last thing i need is burnout. but at the same time sometimes it gets darkest right before youre about to make a breakthrough. so working even harder when things are hard can pay off. im trying to do that but i wont push myself too far. you cant work at all if you dont take care of your condition mentally and physically. i'm trying to do that

  3. I mean its possible you're just not doing something you're good at and that's that. Sometimes we've just got to accept that we gave it our all and move onto something different. It doesn't mean we failed, nor does it mean we aren't able to succeed at anything.

     

    For instance, I was so sure I wanted to major in astronomy in college. I took all the hard science and math classes and halfway through high school I realized I'm complete rubbish at both of those. But then I took a legal systems class and realized all the concepts came easier to me and I actually enjoyed it a lot more than the sciences. But its not as if that passion for the solar system completely dissapeared. One of my favorite places to go is still the Planetarium near me, but Ive realized that even though I still enjoy it, its not necessarily the path for me. And thats okay.

     

    Its honestly never too late to start working towards something different. And instead of looking at it as something you have to do cause the other thing didnt pan out, you can think of it as an opportunity to delve into another thing that you are interested in and brings you joy.

     

    And honestly no problem at all. Everyone deserves for their pain to be heard by someone. Just keeping it all to yourself just isolates you and makes you feel alone.

     

    Well i would if it were that black and white

     

    the thing i do is complicated and has many parts. lets say maybe it has 3 major parts

    every time i think "im just not good at this i should give up" someone says im really good at one of the 3 parts

    so i think that right now im not bad at it altogether i'm:

     

    part a - really good

    part b - passable

    part c - slightly lacking

     

    and part c is the part that keeps f*cking me over. lol its like in this profession there's so much required and even if you know how to do all of it well separately you need to be able to do it well all together at the same time

     

    this is what i meant when i talked about knowing how to do the right things at the right times. i think thats a key element in being good at something. (also if there are any areas that are even slightly lacking they have to be brought up.)

     

    bringing everything you know together into something that solves problems is what i need to be able to do. i can do it sometimes, but i need that skill to be stronger so that i can do it better and do it all of the time. it's the part of my job that's artistry or talent based, not knowledge or info based. knowledge stuff is so much easier. its the talent stuff that no one can give you. you have to find it within yourself

     

    but ive come too far to quit. i've given up too much. i've watched things i cared about waste away while i was working on this. i dont believe in quitting. i want a return on my investment. i want the payoff that i've been giving blood sweat and tears to for years now. i want it. and as long as there is life in my body i will keep trying.

     

    i have a checklist for when i should quit or not and it looks like this:

     

    Are you dead?

    If yes, you can quit

    If no, you must keep trying

     

    there's also the fact that what i do does interest me and bring me joy. im not doing this because someone told me i had to. i'm not doing this because i had no other choice. this is the job that *I* chose. after researching jobs and looking at my own skills and seeing what would match up well and looking into what the work would actually be like. i made an informed decision to do something i wanted to do. i paid for schooling and i did well in it. so now i need to make those choices and investments pay off

     

    doing something else isn't always the answer. often the grass looks greener on the other side but its a fallacy. when you split your resources or you veer off your path you can end up taking a loss and you can end up without direction at all.

     

    in your case you found out you weren't good at two of the key things you needed. im good or almost decent in all three key aspects. there may be some things i still dont understand in terms of big picture thinking etc but that could come with time if i could just get myself basically operational

     

    if i could get myself basically impressive and get an entry level job. i could learn so much just by doing. then one day i could be the great "baker" person. I could be the jeon jungkook of "baking"

     

    but i'll never be that if i quit. thats the one thing i do know right now with 100% certainty. If I quit I get NOTHING

     

    even though i've never had an intention of giving up it still hurts every time i dont succeed or succeed enough and i still lay awake worrying at night. even if youre set on your goal, and youre confident that its right - its who you really are - that doesn't mean you would feel secure. you'd still panic. you'd still worry. and thats where i am

     

    im just worried and i'm disappointed. i thought that by now i would be there. but every milestone i gain brings me closer..........and still not quite there

     

    thats why i said i know i have to keep going. but im just really tired. i just know i cant be a person who didn't try to make it work with everything she had until the very end

     

    i think i could even forgive myself for not succeeding, but i could never forgive myself if i just quit

     

    This was where I was at 2 years ago.

     

    The trick is watching other ppl and copying little things they do. Try to do it consciously and after a while it will become a part of your personality.

     

     

    thats all i've been doing for years lol

    but youre right that does help

  4. I'm sorry you're having a bad day. Sometimes we all get those, where everything feels terrible and you feel like you're doing a terrible job. Something tells me that you are probably harder on yourself than anyone else is. If you give yourself unrealistic expectations for you to achieve then of course you're always going to fail.

     

    Like looking towards celebrities and feeling like you can't add up. Of course you can't. No one really can. Not even the celebrities themselves. The image of perfection that they project is something that no one can conceivably achieve. There's no way for Jungkook to be good at everything, its just not human. Though in equal parts its not possible to not have talent in anything. Even if you aren't able to see it yourself. I used to think like that too, like I was worthless and had no talents, but it took a long time to realize that I was the only person who thought that way about myself.

     

    Every person has worth and everyone has something their good at. It doesn't even have to be something significant. For instance I've found Im good at making a good cup of coffee. Its no skill in astrophysics, but at least it makes me feel better.

     

    As for money problems and concerts, its not so uncommon to not be able to afford them. Especially for someone like BTS. Those tickets are ridiculously expensive, so you can't beat yourself up for not being able to afford them.

     

    Sorry if I rambled a bit there, I can feel pretty similar at times so I just sorta wrote what I think Id like to hear when I feel like that.

     

    i think i gave the wrong impression a bit? or maybe a lot?

     

    the things i'm trying to succeed at are normal real world things. things i've been trained for and gone to school for. things i've worked towards for years. things i thought i'd be able to do and that technically i should be able to do and still can't. for some of these things there's no reason why i cant succeed. i just cant

     

    its like if you wanted to bake a cake and you had all the ingredients, learned how to mix them and measure them, you had a good recipe, all the supplies, a top of the line stove, and a timer that went off at the right time....and your cake still wasn't good. and you tried it over and over and every time something different was wrong. burnt, bland, misshapen. then people say "well maybe you just weren't meant to be a baker," but you love baking and went to school for baking and read baking books on weekends. if you're not a baker after everything you've been through what are you? you start to think...maybe nothing

     

    part of me feels like i just need to keep at it and one day it will be good. but i'm running out of hope/faith/steam and i'm running out of things to try 

     

    i'm not trying to be a kpop idol like jungkook. the thing he has that i wish i had is....well genius. but aside from that, the ability to figure out how to do the right things at the right times. which i guess is maybe another part of genius

     

    when i say he's good at everything i dont mean everything ever, i mean everything that i like to do myself and everything i admire in others

     

    also i wish it was just me being hard on myself but i'm typically not very. i'm usually happy for whatever i accomplish but then when i show it to other people or go try to apply for a job with that skill i find out that its still not enough. all i ever find out is that i'm not good enough. i always think that im good or talented and that's why its often so disappointing when the world lets me know that 'no, b*tch, you're really not." i'm the kind of person who'll do something for years and still be told "you're good for a beginner." ahmagahplz.png  never good ENOUGH to gain any respect or compensation

     

    i hope things are a little more clear now

    but i wont be surprised if not because i seem to consistently have a hard time communicating my thoughts, difficulties and experiences to other people. they always receive a different story than the one im intending to tell (also why my fictional stories flop) and often the story they get makes them feel negatively in some way

     

    but you are right, its not uncommon to not be able to afford bts tickets. the price is astronomical. i just wish.....i wish i could go. i wish i could have fun like i used to. i wish i could see the person that i love the most. but i dont really get the things i wish for

     

    i get where you're coming from though and i appreciate the response a lot. i didnt really expect one. i tend to be "too much" for other people to deal with

  5. i'm having a really terrible day

    i keep crying off and on all day

    i try really hard at everything and don't slack off but.....nothing pans out

    its just that nothing goes well for me

    i am very sad and lonely

    i normally deal well with it but i guess i cant today

    i know that i could probably try to find some friends or something, but im tired of trying

    and i cant help thinking that i'll stop failing if i just stop triyng

    every time i make friends it never goes well

    i used to say it was because of them but now i know that its because of me

    i am so f*cking weird

    nobody can like me even if they try

    im unlikable

    i'm not compatible with other people

    i never was

    lately the only thing that makes me happy is watching jungkook but he also makes me really sad. first because he's good at everything while im good at nothing. second because i couldn't afford the bts tickets. i can never afford. i always say i'll turn my money situation around and then do the things i want to do like go to concerts again, but i never do. nothing ever gets better because im useless. he also makes me sad bc he did the things he wanted to do. and i cant. i can't imagine what its like to be like him and have the world in m hands. its not that i'm jealous, im really happy for him but it really makes me sad that he's like that and i'm...like this omgwtf.png 

    why am i so f*cking lame?

    anyway, i'll stop here. people are probably mad at me anyway for something i've said. people are always mad at things i say. they always read too much into things i say or they just baseline find my feelings offensive. i stopped talking to people because i got tired of people always being angry at me. they get mad if i talk too much or too little. they get angry at my own feelings towards myself. everything i say and do is wrong.

    someone told me that i dont have a right to feel bad that other people succeed in their dreams while i can't no matter how hard i try. she said "as long as you get jealous of other people you'll never succeed." jokes on her, i was never gonna succeed anyway. i have no talent or friends. where did she think i was going in life?

    people like me don't succeed

    i don't really know what i expected from posting this. i guess nothing. i dont really have expectations anymore. not of anything or anyone. someone like me can't afford to. i really wish i had friends and support or something but that's not something someone like me can get. All i can get is told off by the people who are supposed to be my friends and locked out of everything i want in life. not to mention judged and lectured. i get a lot of that

    i guess im just venting

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