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I hate myself for the scars that I left on body. At the same time I'm still struggling and want to start to self-harm and even worse again, every day, every day. It's so fucking painful. It has been 7 years already, it's ruining my life which ads even more stress and I'm so scared it's only getting worse. I just can't take it anymore. I started to strangle myself  wih my own hands while I had one an anxiety attack(?)  because I knew deep down inside that I couldn't have done it to the end. My chest was hurting so much so I just tried to rub it while crying and silently screaming in the bathroom, it was all red and there was even blood on my whole hands and chest. My head hurts horribly too. This started to happen more often lately and it's only getting worse, more frequent and more intense, sometimes I just don't understand what I'm doing and can't control myslef anymore. I should have done it earlier but what if the doctor thinks I'm crazy if I tell them everything? I'll try to conact a doctor next week, and I just hope she won't tell me "It's not a big deal" like I was told by my own parents and adults at school a few years ago. I feel like it will completely break  me down. But I feel like I'm on the edge, if I don't kill myself, I'll just go crazy and completely lose my mind. But I don't want to go to the hospital either. But there will be no point if I start lying to them

Eevrytime I do everything to ignore it it comes back even stronger, I just can't